Feedback on a query letter please?

[Gregg Bell]

It's for my suspense novel American Ballerina. Initially it was a blurb but I have decided to query agents with it and so I turned it into a query letter. Thanks.

Dear Agent,

Twenty-five-year-old Lily Russell moved to London, England, to make a fresh start. She’s managed to land a job as a secretary, but despite being out of shape and never having taken a ballet lesson in her life, she believes what she’s really destined to do is dance at the world-class Royal Ballet. Jeremy, her jealous ex-lover, scheming to get Lily back, fuels her fantasies.

Then one day riding the train, Lily meets a boxer pursuing a dream of his own. As well as being a hunk, Lily thinks Edmund might be able to help straighten out her delusional thinking. Before long she’s falling for him.

When Jeremy finds out Lily’s seeing Edmund, though, trouble’s sure to follow. But Lily would’ve never expected the shocking crime that changes everything—and implicates her. Now, with the police closing in, Lily desperately needs to separate what’s real from what’s fantasy. She embarks on a frantic search to find the one thing that can save her sanity and even her life—the truth.

Readers who like The Girl on the Train will enjoy this book, which is fully complete.

I have had short stories published in literary magazines, including Washington Square (under the pseudonym Drazen Bell). I live and write out of suburban Chicago.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Gregg Bell

[Cinisajoy]

Leave out the reference to Girl on a train.
Oh and if you want an agent, you dang well better have all the actual details correct.

[issybird]

Two grammar/diction questions:

Is Lily the hunk? If not, that sentence needs to be fixed.

Is there such a thing as partially complete?

Generally, the diction and punctuation should be cleaned up and tightened before you send this out.

[issybird]

Some more issues:

London, England is redundant in this context.

Surely it's not necessary to say the Royal Ballet is world-class?

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by issybird

Two grammar/diction questions:

Is Lily the hunk? If not, that sentence needs to be fixed.

Is there such a thing as partially complete?

Generally, the diction and punctuation should be cleaned up and tightened before you send this out.

The 'partially complete' issue may be similar to the 'horribly mutilated' issue I read about quite often.

[theducks]

issybird
There are places named London in other countries and here in the states.

I do agree, the Context: "Royal Ballet" clears out this possible confusion, making the country redundant

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by issybird

Two grammar/diction questions:

Is Lily the hunk? If not, that sentence needs to be fixed.

True. Thanks.

[HarryT]

Putting the blurb immediately after the salutation seems wrong to me; I'd add a bit of explanatory text first. Something like "I've recently completed a new book and am hoping you'd considering adding it to your portfolio", or something similar?

Also, address the person by name. "Dear Mr X" or "Dear Ms Y". Nobody likes to receive form letters.

[HarryT]

Originally Posted by issybird

Surely it's not necessary to say the Royal Ballet is world-class?

And even if you do, "world famous" would be better than "world-class".

[Hitch]

This:

Then one day riding the train, Lily meets a boxer pursuing a dream of his own. As well as being a hunk, Lily thinks Edmund might be able to help straighten out her delusional thinking. Before long she’s falling for him.

...makes NO sense to me. Sorry to always be kibbitzing, but someone who KNOWS that they have delusions, isn't delusional. Unless you have this entire backstory set up, where Lily's been a medicated schizophrenic, and knows that she has a mental illness, this dog, as they say in the south, doesn't hunt.

If Lily knows she's delusional, you either have more backstory or no story. Edmund can't help Lily straighten out her fantasies, unless he's a psychiatrist. If the other guy is fueling her delusions, then she's more likely to stay delusional. Having Lily want him, due to hunkiness, is fine. Having a plotline where he helps straighten out her delusions is also fine (if fantastical). But having a plotline where she wants to be with this guy, to help straighten out her delusions...that doesn't work.

As I said, if she knows she has delusions, your plot-line with Jeremy doesn't make sense--how could he "feed" her delusions? Because if she knows she has them, then she's likely medicated, and NOT having them. It's cake and having it too-ish-ness. Like cognitive dissonance; having two ideas that are directly opposite in your head at the same time.

If that's your plotline, then take it out of the query letter, and only talk about how much she wants the new guy.

Good luck.

Hitch

[pendragginp]

Well, unless this is 'delusional thinking' only in a colloquial sense, not in a medical sense. We do it all the time; 'You're delusional,' we say. 'I was just delusional.' We don't actually mean schizophrenic.

I agree it isn't clear, and for a query it must be. I wonder if changing the idea to something like 'delusions of grandeur' would work.

[HarryT]

I think that almost by definition, "delusional" is a judgement that can only be offered by a third party. If you yourself know that your dreams are unrealistic, then they are not delusions, and, on the other hand, if you don't know that they are delusions, then you couldn't apply the term to yourself.

[Cinisajoy]

Originally Posted by HarryT

I think that almost by definition, "delusional" is a judgement that can only be offered by a third party. If you yourself know that your dreams are unrealistic, then they are not delusions, and, on the other hand, if you don't know that they are delusions, then you couldn't apply the term to yourself.

This in a nutshell.

It would be like me saying I am the world's greatest singer and actually believing it. The people around would know I was delusional but I wouldn't see it.

Now if I said I was the greatest singer one night in a bar in about 1996, that would be a true fact in that specific content and no delusions. It would be delusional for me to think I am a great singer because of that night.

Now I was delusional in thinking that my now very ex husband was what he presented himself to be.
Luckily I got over that one quickly.

[Hitch]

Originally Posted by HarryT

I think that almost by definition, "delusional" is a judgement that can only be offered by a third party. If you yourself know that your dreams are unrealistic, then they are not delusions, and, on the other hand, if you don't know that they are delusions, then you couldn't apply the term to yourself.

Yes, thank you, Harry. THAT. That was part of what I was trying to say.

My note was instigated by the fact that I have a relative who's married to a bipolar gentleman. He does have delusions, when his meds go wrong, etc. When he's having them, he thinks they're real. When he's medicated, he knows that his delusion of <insert something wild here> was, indeed, a delusion. But he certainly doesn't know, at the time, that he's having delusions.

The same is true, however, with delusions of grandeur. You certainly don't know if you're non-medically "deluded" in this case, EITHER. If you have someone you know that, at the age of 40-something, still thinks that he's going to be the Next Big Thing in Rock-n-Roll, or she's going to be the Next Big Debutante in movies...they don't think those dreams are deluded, EITHER.

That line just doesn't make sense to me, in either sense of the word. The whole point of "delusions" is either medically, you don't know you have them, or colloquially, you don't know that you're having delusions of grandeur, either. And the concept that you'd hook up with someone, so s/he would "help you" with your delusions seems utterly contraindicated. The last thing someone in either state wants is "help" with their delusions--they want to keep them, not lose them (generally, especially if the delusion is a long-held fantastical dream).

Given that the protagonist appears not to even be trained in dance, either scenario here could be right, but as it's so far out of whack, it seems to be medical in nature. Schizophrenic-level delusions--an untrained person dancing at the Royal Ballet. It's bizarreness, as opposed to delusions of grandeur. So...I keep circling back to...it doesn't make any sense, medically or common-sense-wise, for her to be seeking "help" (from a stranger, no less) with her delusions.

Thanks, Harry, for the clarity in what was bugging me.

Hitch

[Gregg Bell]

I'm getting delusional listening to all of you talk about being delusional.

Anyway, here's the latest version.


Lily Russell has a problem with letting her imagination run away with her. It’s cost her jobs, friendships and come close to costing her sanity. One of her fantasies is to dance at the Royal Ballet. Her jealous former lover Jeremy tries to weasel his way back into her life by fueling that fantasy, telling her he can get her an audition. Lily’s tempted but wary. Jeremy’s conniving, at times violent and can disappear for months at a time without a word. And he’s so not happy when Lily starts seeing a boxer named Edmund, who opens doors for her, pulls out chairs and calls when he says he will.

When Edmund goes down in the first round of a prize fight and dies, the astonished medical examiner discovers that a vicious left hook wasn't the fatal blow. The reason he fought so poorly was because someone laced his traditional pre-fight meal with massive amounts of Codeine. What's more, Lily has a big bottle of Codeine on her kitchen counter.

Lily knows Jeremy’s the killer, but when she tells the police and they investigate, they can find no trace Jeremy even exists.

Lily panics and runs. Only one thing can save her—finding Jeremy before the police find her. But his friends deny knowing him, he has no family and there’s nothing about him online. Now even she’s beginning to wonder if he’s real or she imagined him.