Feedback on a query letter please?

[Cinisajoy]

Love the first line. The rest is a bit wordy.
Welcome back.

[Gregg Bell]

Thanks. And thanks.

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

It's for my suspense novel American Ballerina. Initially it was a blurb but I have decided to query agents with it and so I turned it into a query letter. Thanks.

Dear Agent,

Twenty-five-year-old Lily Russell moved to London, England, to make a fresh start. She’s managed to land a job as a secretary, but despite being out of shape and never having taken a ballet lesson in her life, she believes what she’s really destined to do is dance at the world-class Royal Ballet. Jeremy, her jealous ex-lover, scheming to get Lily back, fuels her fantasies.

Then one day riding the train, Lily meets a boxer pursuing a dream of his own. As well as being a hunk, Lily thinks Edmund might be able to help straighten out her delusional thinking. Before long she’s falling for him.

When Jeremy finds out Lily’s seeing Edmund, though, trouble’s sure to follow. But Lily would’ve never expected the shocking crime that changes everything—and implicates her. Now, with the police closing in, Lily desperately needs to separate what’s real from what’s fantasy. She embarks on a frantic search to find the one thing that can save her sanity and even her life—the truth.

Readers who like The Girl on the Train will enjoy this book, which is fully complete.

I have had short stories published in literary magazines, including Washington Square (under the pseudonym Drazen Bell). I live and write out of suburban Chicago.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Gregg Bell

I think my version reads better. You may use it if you wish. If it's made into a film, however, a stipulation for its use is that you buy me a ticket, or at least the video.


Dear Agent,

Twenty-five-year-old Lily Russell McGonnigle moved to London, England, to make a fresh start as a paperclip saleslady. She’s managed to land a job, but finds the job quite challenging, even though she is out of shape and fat. Despite taking ballet lessons while wearing a moo-moo, being out of shape and being fat does not deter this wannabe dancer, who believes what she’s really destined to do is dance at the world-class X-Girls-XXX Club this coming Sunday night. Jeremy, Bob, Jose, Carlos, William, and Teresa – being Lily Russell McGonnigle’s ex-lovers last week - all scheme to steal her moo-moo, but they are thwarted by the Security Guards, who also have designs on her moo-moo.

Then one day, while disguised as a hobo riding the rails, Lily Russell McGonnigle meets a boxer with cauliflower ears, an 89-year-old who is also pursuing a dream of his own. As well as being a hunk, Lily Russell McGonnigle thinks Edmund is also a hunk, someone who might be able to help straighten out her delusional thinking as a former paperclip saleslady turned topless moo-moo dancer. While practicing the Samba, she falls for Edmund; but, in falling, she breaks her left leg. While convalescing, she meets Dr. Penzdance, a former dancer at an all-male bottom-less club, but who is now a world-renowned Doctor. Talk about a happy ending!

I can write more, if you need it. Just say the word. But don't forget my ticket! Or video!

[Catlady]

Originally Posted by Dr. Drib

I think my version reads better. You may use it if you wish. If it's made into a film, however, a stipulation for its use is that you buy me a ticket, or at least the video.


Dear Agent,

Twenty-five-year-old Lily Russell McGonnigle moved to London, England, to make a fresh start as a paperclip saleslady. She’s managed to land a job, but finds the job quite challenging, even though she is out of shape and fat. Despite taking ballet lessons while wearing a moo-moo, being out of shape and being fat does not deter this wannabe dancer, who believes what she’s really destined to do is dance at the world-class X-Girls-XXX Club this coming Sunday night. Jeremy, Bob, Jose, Carlos, William, and Teresa – being Lily Russell McGonnigle’s ex-lovers last week - all scheme to steal her moo-moo, but they are thwarted by the Security Guards, who also have designs on her moo-moo.

Then one day, while disguised as a hobo riding the rails, Lily Russell McGonnigle meets a boxer with cauliflower ears, an 89-year-old who is also pursuing a dream of his own. As well as being a hunk, Lily Russell McGonnigle thinks Edmund is also a hunk, someone who might be able to help straighten out her delusional thinking as a former paperclip saleslady turned topless moo-moo dancer. While practicing the Samba, she falls for Edmund; but, in falling, she breaks her left leg. While convalescing, she meets Dr. Penzdance, a former dancer at an all-male bottom-less club, but who is now a world-renowned Doctor. Talk about a happy ending!

I can write more, if you need it. Just say the word. But don't forget my ticket! Or video!

Muumuu.

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by Catlady

Muumuu.

Depends on how you say 'moo'.

Spelling noted, however.

I'm still waiting to hear back from Gregg, the final arbiter.

[Cinisajoy]

Originally Posted by Dr. Drib

I think my version reads better. You may use it if you wish. If it's made into a film, however, a stipulation for its use is that you buy me a ticket, or at least the video.


Dear Agent,

Twenty-five-year-old Lily Russell McGonnigle moved to London, England, to make a fresh start as a paperclip saleslady. She’s managed to land a job, but finds the job quite challenging, even though she is out of shape and fat. Despite taking ballet lessons while wearing a moo-moo, being out of shape and being fat does not deter this wannabe dancer, who believes what she’s really destined to do is dance at the world-class X-Girls-XXX Club this coming Sunday night. Jeremy, Bob, Jose, Carlos, William, and Teresa – being Lily Russell McGonnigle’s ex-lovers last week - all scheme to steal her moo-moo, but they are thwarted by the Security Guards, who also have designs on her moo-moo.

Then one day, while disguised as a hobo riding the rails, Lily Russell McGonnigle meets a boxer with cauliflower ears, an 89-year-old who is also pursuing a dream of his own. As well as being a hunk, Lily Russell McGonnigle thinks Edmund is also a hunk, someone who might be able to help straighten out her delusional thinking as a former paperclip saleslady turned topless moo-moo dancer. While practicing the Samba, she falls for Edmund; but, in falling, she breaks her left leg. While convalescing, she meets Dr. Penzdance, a former dancer at an all-male bottom-less club, but who is now a world-renowned Doctor. Talk about a happy ending!

I can write more, if you need it. Just say the word. But don't forget my ticket! Or video!

Most wonderful thing I have read except I thought they were last night's not last week's lovers.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Dr. Drib

I think my version reads better. You may use it if you wish. If it's made into a film, however, a stipulation for its use is that you buy me a ticket, or at least the video.


Dear Agent,

Twenty-five-year-old Lily Russell McGonnigle moved to London, England, to make a fresh start as a paperclip saleslady. She’s managed to land a job, but finds the job quite challenging, even though she is out of shape and fat. Despite taking ballet lessons while wearing a moo-moo, being out of shape and being fat does not deter this wannabe dancer, who believes what she’s really destined to do is dance at the world-class X-Girls-XXX Club this coming Sunday night. Jeremy, Bob, Jose, Carlos, William, and Teresa – being Lily Russell McGonnigle’s ex-lovers last week - all scheme to steal her moo-moo, but they are thwarted by the Security Guards, who also have designs on her moo-moo.

Then one day, while disguised as a hobo riding the rails, Lily Russell McGonnigle meets a boxer with cauliflower ears, an 89-year-old who is also pursuing a dream of his own. As well as being a hunk, Lily Russell McGonnigle thinks Edmund is also a hunk, someone who might be able to help straighten out her delusional thinking as a former paperclip saleslady turned topless moo-moo dancer. While practicing the Samba, she falls for Edmund; but, in falling, she breaks her left leg. While convalescing, she meets Dr. Penzdance, a former dancer at an all-male bottom-less club, but who is now a world-renowned Doctor. Talk about a happy ending!

I can write more, if you need it. Just say the word. But don't forget my ticket! Or video!

You need therapy.

[gmw]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

You need therapy.

He's getting it. He was told that he needs to get such thoughts out in the open where they could be studied, and what could be more open than here?

[Witty Username]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Anyway, here's the latest version.

If it helps, the second version made me want to read the book whereas the original didn't spark any interest.

[Rizla]

I agree the second one is good.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by gmw

He's getting it. He was told that he needs to get such thoughts out in the open where they could be studied, and what could be more open than here?

Ha!!!