Suspense blurb feedback? - Page 11

gmw · 10-11-2015, 06:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HarryT

It is, but I would still advise against using slang expressions in the description of a book. This is not dialogue (where such expressions would be entirely appropriate), but a factual description whose purpose is to entice the reader into buying the book.

I can understand why you suggest this, but I'm not sure I agree in this instance. If the book is written using such language then the appearance in the blurb may actually be a good thing (advance notice that anyone who doesn't understand the phrasing of the blurb isn't going to have fun in the book). Also related is an earlier comment that the use of "stoked" actually adds some sense of character to the blurb. Stoked seems, to me at least, in common enough usage to be fairly safe.

Gregg Bell · 10-11-2015, 01:57 PM

Interesting, Harry. "Stoked" is pretty ubiquitous here. "Excited" is functional but as GMW was saying "stoked" really adds to the characterization. (It's something a 17-year-old would say.)

I think "pumped" would be better than "excited" but not as good as "stoked."

Would you get "pumped" (as meaning "excited")?

HarryT · 10-11-2015, 02:17 PM

No, I wouldn't get "pumped" either (other than by context, of course). I just don't like slang expressions in book descriptions. Just my personal preference. I'm old-fashioned that way

.

Gregg Bell · 10-12-2015, 11:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HarryT

No, I wouldn't get "pumped" either (other than by context, of course). I just don't like slang expressions in book descriptions. Just my personal preference. I'm old-fashioned that way

.

Okay, thanks, man.

Gregg Bell · 10-14-2015, 11:06 PM

Yes, just call me Jason. I'm back again. (I'm getting closer though.) Two new versions. Which is better? (Thanks.)

#1)
Seventeen-year old Annie Rebarchek is stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. To her, it's the perfect summer job--the kind that will look good on her college applications.

She was wrong.

And now, she's on the run with a baby, the police are closing in, and she finds herself ensnared in a web of lies, deception, and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself.

#2)
Seventeen-year old Annie Rebarchek is stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny. She thinks it’s the perfect summer job.

She was wrong.

Now, she's on the run with a baby, the police are closing in, and she finds herself ensnared in a web of lies, deception, and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself.

Cinisajoy · 10-14-2015, 11:15 PM

I am not liking the first sentence. It reads too much like erotic romance.
Please remember that the first lines are all that will show on the book page.
Note the baby lines won't show up without clicking read more.

gmw · 10-15-2015, 12:59 AM

There's a problem with both of them. The first paragraph is all present tense: "is stoked", "thinks it's the perfect". The second paragraph is past tense: "was wrong". Then the third paragraph is back to present tense again.

Other than that ... no, I don't really like those ones as much as the previous two choices.

Gregg Bell · 10-15-2015, 03:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

I am not liking the first sentence. It reads too much like erotic romance.
Please remember that the first lines are all that will show on the book page.
Note the baby lines won't show up without clicking read more.

Thanks Cin. Hmm. Thanks.

Gregg Bell · 10-15-2015, 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gmw

There's a problem with both of them. The first paragraph is all present tense: "is stoked", "thinks it's the perfect". The second paragraph is past tense: "was wrong". Then the third paragraph is back to present tense again.

Other than that ... no, I don't really like those ones as much as the previous two choices.

Thanks gmw. I knew the tense was an issue but I just hoped if I ignored it everyone else would too. (It was worth a shot.)

And I'm pretty ambivalent about these two. To me it seems like quite a jump from thinking she's got the perfect job to being on the run with a baby. Do we not get any idea why? At first I thought that gap might be good. Not I'm not so sure.

Cinisajoy · 10-15-2015, 08:01 PM

Annie thinks she has found the perfect job until she meets the baby's father.

Hitch · 10-15-2015, 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

Annie thinks she has found the perfect job until she meets the baby's father.

Well, that's all creepy, like. As Gregg's stopped asking me for my feedback, I'm piggy-backing on youse guys. ;-)

Hitch

Cinisajoy · 10-15-2015, 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hitch

Well, that's all creepy, like. As Gregg's stopped asking me for my feedback, I'm piggy-backing on youse guys. ;-)

Hitch

Oops. I think I made it worse but at least I'm not thinking romance now.

Dr. Drib · 10-15-2015, 09:10 PM

I think we should turn that blurb into one of unadulterated horror!

Then Greg will HAVE to rewrite the entire book as a horror novel!

I'll even buy it!

Cinisajoy · 10-15-2015, 10:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Drib

I think we should turn that blurb into one of unadulterated horror!

Then Greg will HAVE to rewrite the entire book as a horror novel!

I'll even buy it!

We might want to be careful. Gregg might put us in the book.

Gregg Bell · 10-15-2015, 11:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hitch

Well, that's all creepy, like. As Gregg's stopped asking me for my feedback, I'm piggy-backing on youse guys. ;-)

Hitch

Hitch! ??? I ALWAYS want your feedback. (Consider this an eternal asking!)

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10-11-2015, 01:57 PM	#152
Gregg Bell Gregg Bell Posts: 2,266 Karma: 3917598 Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Itasca, Illinois Device: Kindle Touch 7, Sony PRS300, Fire HD8 Tablet	Interesting, Harry. "Stoked" is pretty ubiquitous here. "Excited" is functional but as GMW was saying "stoked" really adds to the characterization. (It's something a 17-year-old would say.) I think "pumped" would be better than "excited" but not as good as "stoked." Would you get "pumped" (as meaning "excited")?

10-11-2015, 02:17 PM	#153
HarryT eBook Enthusiast Posts: 85,544 Karma: 93383099 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis 2, iPad Pro 10.5", iPhone 6	No, I wouldn't get "pumped" either (other than by context, of course). I just don't like slang expressions in book descriptions. Just my personal preference. I'm old-fashioned that way .

10-14-2015, 11:06 PM	#155
Gregg Bell Gregg Bell Posts: 2,266 Karma: 3917598 Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Itasca, Illinois Device: Kindle Touch 7, Sony PRS300, Fire HD8 Tablet	Yes, just call me Jason. I'm back again. (I'm getting closer though.) Two new versions. Which is better? (Thanks.) #1) Seventeen-year old Annie Rebarchek is stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. To her, it's the perfect summer job--the kind that will look good on her college applications. She was wrong. And now, she's on the run with a baby, the police are closing in, and she finds herself ensnared in a web of lies, deception, and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself. #2) Seventeen-year old Annie Rebarchek is stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny. She thinks it’s the perfect summer job. She was wrong. Now, she's on the run with a baby, the police are closing in, and she finds herself ensnared in a web of lies, deception, and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself.

10-14-2015, 11:15 PM	#156
Cinisajoy Just a Yellow Smiley. Posts: 19,161 Karma: 83862859 Join Date: Jul 2015 Location: Texas Device: K4, K5, fire, kobo, galaxy	I am not liking the first sentence. It reads too much like erotic romance. Please remember that the first lines are all that will show on the book page. Note the baby lines won't show up without clicking read more.

10-15-2015, 12:59 AM	#157
gmw cacoethes scribendi Posts: 5,818 Karma: 137770742 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Australia Device: Kobo Aura One & H2Ov2, Sony PRS-650	There's a problem with both of them. The first paragraph is all present tense: "is stoked", "thinks it's the perfect". The second paragraph is past tense: "was wrong". Then the third paragraph is back to present tense again. Other than that ... no, I don't really like those ones as much as the previous two choices.

10-15-2015, 08:01 PM	#160
Cinisajoy Just a Yellow Smiley. Posts: 19,161 Karma: 83862859 Join Date: Jul 2015 Location: Texas Device: K4, K5, fire, kobo, galaxy	Annie thinks she has found the perfect job until she meets the baby's father.

10-15-2015, 09:10 PM	#163
Dr. Drib Grand Sorcerer Posts: 45,354 Karma: 59451559 Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Peru Device: KINDLE: Oasis 3, Scribe (1st), Matcha; KOBO: Libra 2, Libra Colour	I think we should turn that blurb into one of unadulterated horror! Then Greg will HAVE to rewrite the entire book as a horror novel! I'll even buy it!