Suspense blurb feedback?

[Catlady]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Thanks catlady. With all the versions though could you copy and paste what version you're referring to?

I mean this line from the blurb in first post:

Up against Monroe’s overwhelming money, power and influence can Annie summon the courage to heed the baby’s cry?

I think it's a good ending sentence.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Catlady

I mean this line from the blurb in first post:



I think it's a good ending sentence.

Okay. Thanks.

[theducks]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is on the run with a baby. The police are closing in.

Annie thought the nanny position she’d landed working for billionaire Houston Monroe was the perfect summer job. She was wrong. Now she’s finding out what life is like with the world turned against her.

Now you turned on the Vacuum and are sucking the reader in without giving away the farm.

Good job

[Dr. Drib]

Now you need to write the book!

[pendragginp]

Isn't book done?

Or is the good Dr. kidding?

[gmw]

Good? Dr. What good Dr.?

[Dr. Drib]

Flattery gets my attention.

I get the feeling that his book is finished, but if not then we'll write it for him - like we did the blurb.

[arjaybe]

Originally Posted by Dr. Drib

Flattery gets my attention.

I get the feeling that his book is finished, but if not then we'll write it for him - like we did the blurb.

So, at approximately 25 words per week, we could have a serviceable book in about three thousand weeks. I say go for it.-)

[Gregg Bell]

All right you jokers! The book is done. And, good doctor, it's still MY BLURB. LOL

I know you're going to hate me but I'm still not convinced the short one is the way to go. Several beta readers prefer this one to it:

#1) Seventeen-year old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. It’s just the kind of job that will look good on her college applications.

But something’s not right. Annie thinks the baby looks ill and cries too much, but Monroe shrugs off her concern. As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe’s? Or will she become ensnared in Monroe’s web of lies, deception and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?

Here's the short one again:

#2) Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is on the run with a baby. The police are closing in.

Annie thought the nanny position she’d landed working for billionaire Houston Monroe was the perfect summer job. She was wrong. Now she’s finding out what life is like with the world turned against her.


How about a vote here in MR. Notwithstanding reservations do you prefer #1 (the long one) or #2 (the short one)?

[Cinisajoy]

Both look good Gregg.

[gmw]

I'm not convinced by that short one either. I think it's on the right track (in terms of what a blurb is supposed to do), but I think it would need more work to get right.

Given all that has been said so far, I get the sense that #1 is a good fit to the story, and it's the one you obviously feel best about. It's not too long. And those are all good things. I'm still not real happy with that third sentence of the second paragraph, but as the choices stand now I'd vote #1.

[pendragginp]

I get the feeling that his book is finished, but if not then we'll write it for him - like we did the blurb.

Originally Posted by arjaybe

So, at approximately 25 words per week, we could have a serviceable book in about three thousand weeks. I say go for it.-)

[HarryT]

I don't know what the word "stoked" means, and I suspect many other readers will also not understand what you mean by it. The dictionary defines it as "to tend a fire or a furnace", which seems nonsensical in this context. From the context of your blurb, it appears to have the meaning "pleased", but if this is some kind of slang I'd strongly urge you not to use it in a blurb.

[gmw]

Harry, I suspect you'll have to wait for the UK edition. Otherwise, I suggest you use a dictionary that includes some slang. See here. ... Actually, I just checked my OED and it also includes a matching definition for Stoke. Entry reads:

stoke, v.2

1.a trans. To feed, stir up, and poke the fire in (a furnace), to tend the furnace of (a boiler). Also, to feed or build up (a fire), and with up.

b. fig.

c. To excite, thrill, elate. slang (chiefly Surfing).

2. transf. (jocular). To feed (oneself or another) as if stoking a furnace; to ‘shovel’ (food) into one's mouth steadily and continuously. Also absol. with up.

3 In combination, as stoke-hearth, stoke-house; stoke-up slang, a large or sustaining meal.

Hence stoked ppl. a., (a) subjected to the action of the vb.; (b) (slang) excited; keen or ‘hooked’ on.

I'm not sure how widely "stoked" is recognised, but here in Australia the meaning is fairly clear in context.

[HarryT]

Originally Posted by gmw

I'm not sure how widely "stoked" is recognised, but here in Australia the meaning is fairly clear in context.

It is, but I would still advise against using slang expressions in the description of a book. This is not dialogue (where such expressions would be entirely appropriate), but a factual description whose purpose is to entice the reader into buying the book. I'd suggest replacing the word "stoked" with "excited", or some other synonym.