Suspense blurb feedback?

[Gregg Bell]

I feel like I'm about to get run out of town on a rail!

You guys! I've abandoned my old blurb in favor of Catlady's. I explained all this in post #99 but it seems you all missed it (understandable, since many posts followed that).

Here it is (just ever so slightly tweaked):

Seventeen-year old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. It’s just the kind of job that will look good on her college applications.

But something’s not right. Annie thinks the baby looks ill and cries too much, but Monroe shrugs off her concern. As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe’s? Or will she become ensnared in Monroe’s web of lies, deception and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?

[Cinisajoy]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

I feel like I'm about to get run out of town on a rail!

You guys! I've abandoned my old blurb in favor of Catlady's. I explained all this in post #99 but it seems you all missed it (understandable, since many posts followed that).

Here it is (just ever so slightly tweaked):

Seventeen-year old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. It’s just the kind of job that will look good on her college applications.

But something’s not right. Annie thinks the baby looks ill and cries too much, but Monroe shrugs off her concern. As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe’s? Or will she become ensnared in Monroe’s web of lies, deception and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?

Much much better.
Nah we won't run you out of town. Some of us would miss you.

[gmw]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

I feel like I'm about to get run out of town on a rail!

You guys! I've abandoned my old blurb in favor of Catlady's. I explained all this in post #99 but it seems you all missed it (understandable, since many posts followed that).

Here it is (just ever so slightly tweaked): [...]

Would that be the same rail that the conversation is on? Once a conversation gets going it can be hard to derail it.

Your final version reads better than the #99 variations. Except this sentence: "As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe’s?" That feels a bit convoluted to me.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

Much much better.
Nah we won't run you out of town. Some of us would miss you.

Awwww!

PS. Cin, see #106 in this thread.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by gmw

Would that be the same rail that the conversation is on? Once a conversation gets going it can be hard to derail it.

Ha ha. For sure.

Originally Posted by gmw

Your final version reads better than the #99 variations. Except this sentence: "As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe’s?" That feels a bit convoluted to me.

Yeah, it's a little clunky. But at the same times it conveys a lot and keeps the punchiness going.

[Cinisajoy]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Cin, this one?

What can a mother do when she has no money and a dangerously sick kid?

She can make a mistake.

In a moment of desperation, cleaning lady Phoebe Jackson tries to pawn the diamond-bejeweled Rolex she found in a mobster’s locker. Turns out the watch is a fake, but the mobster isn’t--and he’s on to her.

Love this blurb too.
Technically it should be a diamond encrusted Rolex not bejeweled.

[Gregg Bell]

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is on the run with a baby. The police are closing in.

Annie thought the nanny position she’d landed working for billionaire Houston Monroe was the perfect summer job. She was wrong. Now she’s finding out what life is like with the world turned against her.

[Cinisajoy]

Love the flashback.
So when can we expect this book?

[gmw]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

[...]Yeah, it's a little clunky. But at the same times it conveys a lot and keeps the punchiness going.

I'd still be inclined to experiment with variations. "Annie grows increasingly alarmed as the baby's health fades, but can she ..." or "The baby's health fades and Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she ...". If you see what I mean. It's not that the sentence is wrong, it's just the way that it's put together that make its awkward.

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is on the run with a baby. The police are closing in.

Annie thought the nanny position she’d landed working for billionaire Houston Monroe was the perfect summer job. She was wrong. Now she’s finding out what life is like with the world turned against her.

Nah, too short. ... Just kidding! ... Sort of.

I like it ... but: As Catlady observed with my abbreviation attempts, it does sound a little remote, less personal. Also, that second paragraph is a tad clichéd (always a risk when striving for short). However it does dispel the possible romance feel that some of the previous ones suggested. I'm tempted to suggest that you need to find a compromise between the two.

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

Love the flashback.
So when can we expect this book?

As soon as we stop hassling him with quibbles about the blurb.

[meeera]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is on the run with a baby. The police are closing in.

Annie thought the nanny position she’d landed working for billionaire Houston Monroe was the perfect summer job. She was wrong. Now she’s finding out what life is like with the world turned against her.

The book I would want - and I believe you're not planning to do a major structural edit, so this is pie in the sky, my editing wishes had I been your editor/advisor from the start - would be to start with the teenager on the run, right there in the dangerous moment, and to not know whether the baby is hers, or whether (and why) it is sick , because that's where the suspense is. I would want all that dropped gradually in clues, not necessarily in flashbacks, and definitely not in a prologue:earlier-body structure.

[Catlady]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is on the run with a baby. The police are closing in.

Annie thought the nanny position she’d landed working for billionaire Houston Monroe was the perfect summer job. She was wrong. Now she’s finding out what life is like with the world turned against her.

Reading the first sentence, I immediately think it's HER bsby and she's running from the police because she's been accused of some crime or someone's trying to take her kid away from her. I don't get that she's rescuing someone else's baby.

Then I read the second sentence ("nanny position") and I have to disrupt my initial impression.

I really don't like the last sentence--it feels too cliched, plus most teenagers probably feel like the world's against them half the time anyway!

If you're revising again, I'd suggest going back to your first blurb and maybe working in the line about "heeding the baby's cry."

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

Love the flashback.
So when can we expect this book?

See post #129.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by gmw

I'd still be inclined to experiment with variations. "Annie grows increasingly alarmed as the baby's health fades, but can she ..." or "The baby's health fades and Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she ...". If you see what I mean. It's not that the sentence is wrong, it's just the way that it's put together that make its awkward.



Nah, too short. ... Just kidding! ... Sort of.

I like it ... but: As Catlady observed with my abbreviation attempts, it does sound a little remote, less personal. Also, that second paragraph is a tad clichéd (always a risk when striving for short). However it does dispel the possible romance feel that some of the previous ones suggested. I'm tempted to suggest that you need to find a compromise between the two.



As soon as we stop hassling him with quibbles about the blurb.

Thanks G.M. I tried your sentences. They seemed to throw the rhythm off a bit.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by meeera

The book I would want - and I believe you're not planning to do a major structural edit, so this is pie in the sky, my editing wishes had I been your editor/advisor from the start - would be to start with the teenager on the run, right there in the dangerous moment, and to not know whether the baby is hers, or whether (and why) it is sick , because that's where the suspense is. I would want all that dropped gradually in clues, not necessarily in flashbacks, and definitely not in a prologue:earlier-body structure.

That sounds like a cool book but yeah, it's not mine.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Catlady

If you're revising again, I'd suggest going back to your first blurb and maybe working in the line about "heeding the baby's cry."

Thanks catlady. With all the versions though could you copy and paste what version you're referring to?