Suspense blurb feedback?

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

That last first blurb would grab me.

Cin, this one?

What can a mother do when she has no money and a dangerously sick kid?

She can make a mistake.

In a moment of desperation, cleaning lady Phoebe Jackson tries to pawn the diamond-bejeweled Rolex she found in a mobster’s locker. Turns out the watch is a fake, but the mobster isn’t--and he’s on to her.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

That's what the second paragraph is for.

Agreed.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Dr. Drib

Shouldn't you be writing?

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by meeera

Suddenly the book is a lot more interesting. I'm going to be really, really annoying here and suggest that the problem with the blurb - and this is also the problem with a fair few books themselves - is that it starts at the beginning.

A teenager getting a nanny job is boring, no matter how stoked she is about it.

A teenager on the run with a baby, who needs to lie low because she is pursued by authorities for reasons we haven't yet been told? THAT is interesting.

Well, the blurb isn't just about a teenager getting a nanny job. It's about what goes wrong at that job.

A teenager on the run with a baby who needs to lie low because she's pursued by authorities for reason we haven't been told yet?

I can't see how that would work.

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is on the run with a baby. The police are closing in on her.

I wouldn't know how to do it.

[ApK]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is on the run with a baby. The police are closing in on her.

I wouldn't know how to do it.

I think you just did it.

I understand you want to tell more about what kind of story they're getting, but that line right there is compelling.

Honestly it's the first blurb here that's made me interested to read the book (except for your reveal about the eugenics and stuff, which is cool, but you don't want to give that away.)

Those two short lines above say "young protagonist, vulnerable baby, crime, action, risk, suspense, punchy style, quick pace."

If that's the message you want to send, I say stop now and run with it.

If not, so be it. I haven't read the book, so I take your word for it.

ApK

[Gregg Bell]

How about this one?

It's almost too good to be true. Annie's actually landed a summer nanny job with billionaire Houston Monroe! But when the baby she's supposed to be watching grows deathly ill and Monroe mysteriously refuses to allow Annie to care for him, Annie's faced with an impossible choice: bow to Monroe's sinister power or heed the baby's cry...

[ApK]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is on the run with a baby. The police are closing in on her.

Contemporary thriller.

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

It's almost too good to be true. Annie's actually landed a summer nanny job with billionaire Houston Monroe! But when the baby she's supposed to be watching grows deathly ill and Monroe mysteriously refuses to allow Annie to care for him, Annie's faced with an impossible choice: bow to Monroe's sinister power or heed the baby's cry...

Gothic chick lit.

I like both of blurbs as far as as content and style. Which fits the book?
(OK, maybe that first one could use a couple more tidbits of info. But just a couple.)

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by ApK

I think you just did it.

I understand you want to tell more about what kind of story they're getting, but that line right there is compelling.

Honestly it's the first blurb here that's made me interested to read the book (except for your reveal about the eugenics and stuff, which is cool, but you don't want to give that away.)

Those two short lines above say "young protagonist, vulnerable baby, crime, action, risk, suspense, punchy style, quick pace."



ApK

Everybody says the blurb shouldn't go beyond Act One (if you consider the novel a three Act thing). That blurb would be in Act Two, leapfrogging Act One altogether.

Readers would then feel like Why am I reading Act One? I know she's going to be on the run with the baby so I'll just jump to it.

If my book started with Annie on the run with a baby that would be cool. But it doesn't.

The tension in my blurb is, Faced with this great pressure of the sick child and up against Monroe's power and influence, what will Annie do?

And of course from the title (Saving Baby) we know she's going to be saving the baby.

[Hitch]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Everybody says the blurb shouldn't go beyond Act One (if you consider the novel a three Act thing). That blurb would be in Act Two, leapfrogging Act One altogether.

Readers would then feel like Why am I reading Act One? I know she's going to be on the run with the baby so I'll just jump to it.

If my book started with Annie on the run with a baby that would be cool. But it doesn't.

Well, hell, Gregg, maybe it should. Flashback to her getting the job, etc. It's sort of a double-reveal. She's on the run (grabber!) and we learn why, almost immediately, or at least, in sequence. She gets a great job (hooray!), the baby is sick (not so great) and the father is nuts/sinister (oh, baaaaaad....MORE grabber, in the book itself). You wouldn't even really have to change the book. You'd just change the sequencing in the book.

Sorry...didn't mean to go here and create more work for you, but truth be told, Gregg, you seem to be rather STUCK on giving your story away.

The tension in my blurb is, Faced with this great pressure of the sick child and up against Monroe's power and influence, what will Annie do?

And of course from the title (Saving Baby) we know she's going to be saving the baby.

Yes, that's what you keep saying, except, Gregg, haven't you noticed that none of us are FEELING that tension???? You're telling us that the tension is there--not showing us, to use timeworn phrasing. That's the whole problem.

Yes, it's a description. But it's nearly as critical as the first 1300 words, in getting a reader to buy your book. Possibly more so, given that people see that, before they ever see the LITB. Thus far, other than that single sentence, "Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is on the run with a baby. The police are closing in on her," none of the blurbs yet that you've posted make me want to buy the book. Even if I try to think outside the types of books I want, it's simply not working. I think you need to start with that sentence, build in a bit of the backstory--a BIT, only what you absolutely MUST TELL--and no more. Stop giving away the store. The whole reason that people read suspense is: what happens next? How does the heroine outwit the bad guy(s)? What happened to her? They don't want to already know the first quaarter of the book, given away in your description.

Does all of this describe what happens up to your 2nd Act? Does she go on the run starting at the end of the first act? Is that when you have her inciting event? If so, you've just told the reader what happens in your first ~15 chapters.

I've noticed this before. You get stuck on an idea, you ask people for assistance or help or ideas, and then you can't move off your original idea. All these posts, and we're still essentially discussing the SAME description. And we're discussing the same part of the description that we've all said we have issues with. If you can't get past using that paragraph, then use it. Great. But it's daft for all of us to keep trying to tell you that it's not working, if you're committed to using it. Therefore, if you solely want ideas for the first sentence, just say so.

(When I read "Saving Baby," honestly, I think of Patrick Swayze. :-)

Hitch

[ApK]

Originally Posted by Hitch

LITB.

Leave It To Beaver?

Thus far, other than that single sentence, "Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is on the run with a baby. The police are closing in on her," none of the blurbs yet that you've posted make me want to buy the book. Even if I try to think outside the types of books I want, it's simply not working.

GMTA! (I like it when people agree with me!)

(When I read "Saving Baby," honestly, I think of Patrick Swayze. :-)

I was thinking Tom Hanks.


"Nobody puts Private Baby in a corner!"

[Cinisajoy]

With your first sentence and the title, I thought an erotic romance.

Now Gregg,
Here is my best advice,
Tell me in the blurb why I should read this story.
Pretty much the second you mention Annie, we know she is the main character.
Don't give me the whole story.
Give me a teaser.
Agreeing with Hitch again. When you get set on an idea, you quit listening to others.

Yes you know the book better than we do.
Make us want to read it, not feel like we have already read it.

[Hitch]

Originally Posted by ApK

Leave It To Beaver?

Look Inside the Book. LITB.

GMTA! (I like it when people agree with me!)

Well, ApK, when you're right, you're right.

I was thinking Tom Hanks.

"Nobody puts Private Baby in a corner!"

Saving Baby Hanks?

Yeah, that too.

Hitch

[gmw]

I may not go so far as Hitch, in suggesting you rearrange the book, but the blurb definitely needs a hook. Something difference or distinction or intrigue to grab the reader's attention.

The conflict between not wanting to give the story away but still wanting to give enough to interest the reader is a problem I'm all too familiar with. It's one reason why I suggested looking for other hooks - like something based on Monroe, for example. But this new line of thought about being on the run with the baby offers possibilities.

A line like this:

It may be her first job, but even Annie knows that a nanny shouldn't have to steal the baby just to save its life. But what choice does she have?

Isn't quite so explicit (or dramatic) as what you first suggested - about being on the run from police. It only hints that that is where it will go. Perhaps that is a suitable compromise?

[Hitch]

Originally Posted by gmw

I may not go so far as Hitch, in suggesting you rearrange the book, but the blurb definitely needs a hook. Something difference or distinction or intrigue to grab the reader's attention.

I wasn't, actually, suggesting that. But, you never know. It might work well.

The conflict between not wanting to give the story away but still wanting to give enough to interest the reader is a problem I'm all too familiar with. It's one reason why I suggested looking for other hooks - like something based on Monroe, for example. But this new line of thought about being on the run with the baby offers possibilities.

A line like this:

It may be her first job, but even Annie knows that a nanny shouldn't have to steal the baby just to save its life. But what choice does she have?

Isn't quite so explicit (or dramatic) as what you first suggested - about being on the run from police. It only hints that that is where it will go. Perhaps that is a suitable compromise?

I like that suggested bit of description.

Hitch

[Catlady]

I don't like the idea of a blurb giving away what happens a quarter way through the book, unless the book itself start in the middle of the action and then backtracks.

I've gotten a little bored with that plot device anyway--I feel like I've read it too many times recently, usually a prologue that shows the protagonist in some grave danger and then chapter one going back however many days or weeks to when the story really starts.

If you pick up a book in the suspense or thriller category, you certainly know that there's going to be something sinister/unexpected coming, so I don't see much point in opening with that sinister/unexpected event; I'd usually rather get there gradually.