Suspense blurb feedback?

[Cinisajoy]

Yes, I get the billionaire is an a**** but it might not be wise to reveal that in the blurb.

[ApK]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

I don't think I should be wondering right off that bat.

As my son would say "...or should you?!

Think about it. The phrasing MADE YOU ASK. And, now, you need the answer. You already want to keep reading to find out more.

Yes, I know, the flip side is the reader says "Huh? Baby? Annie? I'm already confused. Next!"

Also, a short, punchy blurb may be best suited to go with a similar prose style in the book.

"Wham! Bam! Pow!" Might be an appropriate hook for the readers of a Men's Adventure book, probably not the best blurb for "The Red Badge of Courage."

OK, I guess my mixed messages are fully delivered now. I got nothin' else.

[arjaybe]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Your version is definitely tight. But I found I had to backtrack to figure out what was going on a bit. The baby is sick and fading fast. I was like, What baby? Annie wants to help I was like, Who is Annie?

You eventually tell us but I don't think I should be wondering right off that bat.

You're supposed to wonder "What baby?" and "Who's Annie?" aren't you? Isn't that the point?

[Hitch]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Oh, quit agreeing with Hitch!

Aw, c'mon, give a girl a break. Nobody does at my own business, it's a nice change. :-)

Hitch

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by ApK

As my son would say "...or should you?!

Think about it. The phrasing MADE YOU ASK. And, now, you need the answer. You already want to keep reading to find out more.

No, I'm thinking, 'Why didn't he tell me who's baby this is to begin with? Who just says 'a baby...'?' And then when it's just 'Annie..." I'm annoyed.

Originally Posted by ApK

OK, I guess my mixed messages are fully delivered now. I got nothin' else.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by arjaybe

You're supposed to wonder "What baby?" and "Who's Annie?" aren't you? Isn't that the point?

No, you're supposed be wondering why isn't this billionaire caring for his baby when he's obviously ill?

[arjaybe]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

No, you're supposed be wondering why isn't this billionaire caring for his baby when he's obviously ill?

That's what the second paragraph is for.

[gmw]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Your version is definitely tight. But I found I had to backtrack to figure out what was going on a bit. The baby is sick and fading fast. I was like, What baby? Annie wants to help I was like, Who is Annie?

You eventually tell us but I don't think I should be wondering right off that bat.

What baby? As a reviewer I'd be guessing it's the one in the book title "Saving Baby".

Who's Annie? I'd be guessing the person doing the saving in "Saving Baby".

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

No, you're supposed be wondering why isn't this billionaire caring for his baby when he's obviously ill?

The offering was just an offering, trying something different. As a later post of mine suggested, you don't have to use the baby as the opening hook. If you're supposed to be wondering why a billionaire isn't caring for his baby then maybe he should be the opening hook.

Take note of that longer blurb from The Partner. The hook is in the second sentence, not the first, but it's still right up close to the top. It may be a longer blurb, but by the time you've read that second sentence you have reason to keep reading - and that's what we're looking for.


Please note that I was really only trying to practise what I had been describing. I do not feel that I am in any position to tell you what you should be doing/using - that is entirely your call.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Catlady

Except that this latest version doesn't indicate that no one else is taking the baby's illness seriously. The initial versions gave me a clearer idea that the baby was fussing and crying and everyone was just telling Annie don't worry, he's fine. In this one, we're getting the fact that the baby IS sick, and Annie wants to do ... something, for some unknown reason. If you read this in isolation from all that's gone before, you don't know if the baby's at home, in a hospital, getting medical attention of some sort or not. Here Annie just wants to "help," which is nebulous--it could mean she wants to interfere with a legitimate medical treatment.

Earlier versions set it up more as Annie gradually becoming more and more concerned despite assurances from her employer--so first she has the hurdle of convincing herself, then she'll have the hurdle of convincing others. I would think the first hurdle would be a huge one. This latest blurb, she--and the potential reader--know immediately that the baby is sick so you lose the whole element of doubt.

Catlady, I'm liking your version the best.

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. It's just the kind of job that will look good on her college applications.

But something's not right. Annie thinks the baby looks ill and cries too much, but Monroe is unconcerned. As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe's? Or will she become entrapped in the web of lies, deception, and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?

It has a magic about it. An intrigue. The first paragraph is light and breezy, the calm before the storm. I think the idea of 'hit them with a hook right away' is over-rated. If people see huge blocks of text they might move on, but two short sentences isn't going to scare anybody and people expect a little "scene" setting anyway. (like in the Grisham blurb in post #88) They want to know who is doing what.

Okay, I had issues with Monroe just be being "unconcerned." To me that said Annie could just be being super-sensitive and she should chill. The baby's fine.

Also it did not set up an unequivocal disagreement between Annie and Monroe as to the state of the baby's health. Hence the 'can Annie convince anyone to take her word against Monroe's?' seemed a little weak. Like we know that Annie's word is that the baby is dangerously ill but Monroe's word is just that he's unconcerned about the state of the baby's health.

And I thought there was no logical progression between the two last lines and that the transition was sudden. 'Can she convince anybody...? Or will she be entrapped in the web of lies, deception and ...' I'm like, What web of lies, deception etc. Monroe was just "unconcerned." This is just a young girl who's super-sensitive. Where's this web of lies...?

Now, this is my story so I know it (hopefully) better than Catlady or anybody else. So I think just knowing the little Catlady (and everybody else too) knew of the story--just from the little I've posted here in the forum--that her version of the blurb is brilliant. And as I said it has a magic about it.

I've addressed the concerns I had about it and hopefully I haven't dampened any of its magic. This is what I came up with:

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. It’s just the kind of job that will look good on her college applications.

But something’s not right. Annie thinks the baby looks ill and cries too much, but Monroe dismisses her concern. As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe’s? Or will she be drawn into what she’s discovering is Monroe’s world of lies, deception and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?

And here is one more version with three small tweaks. (I know that "shrugs off" is weaker than "dismisses" but it's stronger than "unconcerned" and I thought it looked better than "dismisses.")

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. It’s just the kind of job that will look good on her college applications.

But something’s not right. Annie thinks the baby looks ill and cries too much, but Monroe shrugs off her concern. As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe’s? Or will she become entrapped into what she’s discovering is Monroe’s web of lies, deception and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?

[gmw]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

[...]I once had a very short blurb for my romantic suspense novel The Find. Here it is:

What can a mother do when she has no money and a dangerously sick kid?

She can make a mistake.

In a moment of desperation, cleaning lady Phoebe Jackson tries to pawn the diamond-bejeweled Rolex she found in a mobster’s locker. Turns out the watch is a fake, but the mobster isn’t--and he’s on to her.

But then a very popular book review blogger told me it was too short.

So I came up with this:
[I]
She found a watch. A monster found a plaything.

Looking for love [...]

I like your second, longer, blurb better than the first - and that's because of your opening hook. I read that and there some immediate responses: What could these two sentences have to do with each other? This sounds interesting/nasty, it could be a fun read.

And so I would happily read more of your blurb.

[gmw]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

[...]I've addressed the concerns I had about it and hopefully I haven't dampened any of its magic. This is what I came up with:

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. It’s just the kind of job that will look good on her college applications.

But something’s not right. Annie thinks the baby looks ill and cries too much, but Monroe dismisses her concern. As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe’s? Or will she be drawn into what she’s discovering is Monroe’s world of lies, deception and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?

And here is one more version with three small tweaks. (I know that "shrugs off" is weaker than "dismisses" but it's stronger than "unconcerned" and I thought it looked better than "dismisses.")

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. It’s just the kind of job that will look good on her college applications.

But something’s not right. Annie thinks the baby looks ill and cries too much, but Monroe shrugs off her concern. As the baby’s health fades, Annie grows increasingly alarmed, but can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe’s? Or will she become entrapped into what she’s discovering is Monroe’s web of lies, deception and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?

I don't mind "shruggs off", but I don't much like "become entrapped". In both cases I find "... into what she's discovering is Monroe's ..." is a little awkward. I think it should be just: "into Monroe's ...".

[Cinisajoy]

That last first blurb would grab me.

[Dr. Drib]

Shouldn't you be writing?

[meeera]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Okay. At the point in the blurb where Annie "takes matters into her own hands" is when in the story she takes the baby from Monroe's mansion. That is at the 25% point in the book.

What follows in the blurb (Annie 'in the process becoming entrapped in the lies etc. that threaten the baby and her' is the remaining 75% of the book.) (When Annie takes the baby she is sought as a baby stealer. The police are after her. Monroe offers a ten million dollar reward. Vigilante groups form to get her. That sort of thing.)

Suddenly the book is a lot more interesting. I'm going to be really, really annoying here and suggest that the problem with the blurb - and this is also the problem with a fair few books themselves - is that it starts at the beginning.

A teenager getting a nanny job is boring, no matter how stoked she is about it.

A teenager on the run with a baby, who needs to lie low because she is pursued by authorities for reasons we haven't yet been told? THAT is interesting.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by gmw

What baby? As a reviewer I'd be guessing it's the one in the book title "Saving Baby".

Yeah but people are going to be wondering where the baby is and who it belongs to. "A baby" In an orphanage, a home, on the street?[/QUOTE]

Originally Posted by gmw

Who's Annie? I'd be guessing the person doing the saving in "Saving Baby".

Same sort of thing. They'd want to know something about Annie (at least chances are) Is she a passersby? Old young? The father's sister?

Originally Posted by gmw

The offering was just an offering, trying something different. As a later post of mine suggested, you don't have to use the baby as the opening hook. If you're supposed to be wondering why a billionaire isn't caring for his baby then maybe he should be the opening hook.

Take note of that longer blurb from The Partner. The hook is in the second sentence, not the first, but it's still right up close to the top. It may be a longer blurb, but by the time you've read that second sentence you have reason to keep reading - and that's what we're looking for.


Please note that I was really only trying to practise what I had been describing. I do not feel that I am in any position to tell you what you should be doing/using - that is entirely your call.

No, G.M., I appreciate your feedback and input. That's why I'm here (because I don't know how to do this).