Suspense blurb feedback?

[Catlady]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Thanks a lot, Catlady. I really like your version very much.

Some of the differences between my version (and I'm posting a new version at the end of this thread making a hybrid of yours and mine) and yours is that I was hoping to make Annie likeable by giving her a problem (the overbearing father) as opposed to just a college kid wanting to get into a good college. I also thought it set up her father thinking she was exaggerating her fears about Monroe (in the second paragraph of the blurb).

Why would Annie need anything extra to be likeable? When I read a book, I automatically begin with the assumption that the protagonist is likeable/relatable. Why does she need some special reason to take the job? That's detail for the story itself; it just bogs down the blurb.

Also, who cares what her father thinks? He wasn't important enough to make the cut in your initial blurb. Isn't it enough that a teenager is facing off against a powerful man? Of course anyone she confides in is going to tell her she's overreacting and exaggerating. Again, the specifics are for the book itself, not the blurb.

I thought both of our versions established what the problem was, but your version only asked the questions as to what might happen, while my version said what Annie would do. Don't the readers want to know what the protagonist does to attempt solving the problem?

As a reader, what I want to know is the problem the protagonist has to deal with. I know that she's going to face obstacles and complications and dangers, because otherwise there wouldn't be a book. In the blurb, the details just sound confusing.

And I thought that last line of yours

Or will she become entrapped in the web of lies, deception, and evil that threatens both the innocent child and Annie herself?

didn't seem to logically follow the previous line. So Annie convinces someone (or not) to take her word against Monroe's, or she's entrapped in the web of lies, deception etc... ? Why?

That line also seemed sudden. In that Monroe was just "unconcerned" and suddenly there's this whole thing of lies, deception etc.

I don't know, I'm obviously just finding my way with this blurb, but I appreciate your help.

Maybe. But your version of the blurb that I was working from also just went from his crazy parenting style to the web of lies.

Hope you don't mind my saying this, but I think your versions are getting worse, not better, because of too many details being added.

[Dr. Drib]

See my earlier post.

Ditch it and start over.

[issybird]

Originally Posted by Catlady

Hope you don't mind my saying this, but I think your versions are getting worse, not better, because of too many details being added.

Yes.

I'm going to pick two nits. One is "billionaire." Tired and silly and there just aren't that many, y'know? If you don't want "wealthy," and I agree that it might not say quite enough, how about something like "real estate mogul," "financial tycoon," "high-tech guru," or however he made his money?

I don't see how a job as a nanny is going to get anyone into college, frankly.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by ApK

1. ARE you describing the whole plot (other than the reveal) as people are concerned you are, or is everything you are describing revealed in the first few chapters and there is much more to the story?

Thanks.

Okay. At the point in the blurb where Annie "takes matters into her own hands" is when in the story she takes the baby from Monroe's mansion. That is at the 25% point in the book.

What follows in the blurb (Annie 'in the process becoming entrapped in the lies etc. that threaten the baby and her' is the remaining 75% of the book.) (When Annie takes the baby she is sought as a baby stealer. The police are after her. Monroe offers a ten million dollar reward. Vigilante groups form to get her. That sort of thing.)

Originally Posted by ApK

2. You keep expanding the more concise suggestions with more detail. Do you have a reason in mind we might not be picking up on? Do you feel some of the details you are are giving will sell the book better? Are you trying to communicate something about the book we are missing?

Yeah. I think the line (in Catlady's excellent version): can she convince anyone to take her word against Monroe’s?

leaves people wondering: Why didn't she go to her parents or the police? Who wouldn't believe her (or at least I would want to know why they wouldn't believe her--like her father thinking she was exaggerating) when she makes such a serious charge? And it's just too vague: can she convince "anyone."

I'm quite honestly skating the edge of implausibility by not having her go to a child welfare agency. But I do think a 17-year-old would first go to a parent. And then the police. (I really can't have her go to the child welfare agency because they would demand to see the baby.) This way her father thinks she's exaggerating and the police are corrupt. (Which is the case in the book.)

And I think Catlady's version establishes the problem and the possible consequences to Annie but not what Annie will do about the problem. As I see it (in Catlady's version again) what Annie does is just try to convince people that the baby's being abused. Then if she can't, she's thrust into the web of lies, deception etc..

In my version she's doing more ('taking matters into her own hands and fighting to uncover the terrible secrets Monroe is keeping.'). And that's also telling the reader what to expect.

[/QUOTE]

Originally Posted by ApK

If so, then your last revision above is pretty good, but I have a bit of an issue with this:

"She goes to her father, who thinks she’s exaggerating. So she goes to the police and alerts the media, but Monroe has the corrupt police in his back pocket and the media intimidated. "

That reads to me like a plot synopsis posted by a young reader in an Amazon review. If those details are to stay in, how about something more like:

"Her father thinks she's exaggerating, the media fear Monroe's influence, and the police are in his back pocket."

Thanks. I'm going to try to work that in. And I'm going to take some of Catlady's suggestions and pare things down a bit.

I'll post a new version in a bit.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Catlady

Why would Annie need anything extra to be likeable? When I read a book, I automatically begin with the assumption that the protagonist is likeable/relatable. Why does she need some special reason to take the job? That's detail for the story itself; it just bogs down the blurb.

Agreed.

Originally Posted by Catlady

Also, who cares what her father thinks? He wasn't important enough to make the cut in your initial blurb. Isn't it enough that a teenager is facing off against a powerful man? Of course anyone she confides in is going to tell her she's overreacting and exaggerating. Again, the specifics are for the book itself, not the blurb.

I think readers want to know why she wouldn't go to a parent first. If it's just "anyone" won't believe her, then I'm wondering why her parents wouldln't believe her anyway. (BTW Annie's mother died so it's only the father.)

Originally Posted by Catlady

As a reader, what I want to know is the problem the protagonist has to deal with. I know that she's going to face obstacles and complications and dangers, because otherwise there wouldn't be a book. In the blurb, the details just sound confusing.

But don't you want to know what she does, at least basically, to address the problem?

It seems some blurbs have a lot of questions. Like the two consecutive questions in your version that end the blurb. I don't know--some people like that kind of blurb and others want to know what the character does to deal with the problem, basically, tell me what to expect from this book.

Originally Posted by Catlady

Hope you don't mind my saying this, but I think your versions are getting worse, not better, because of too many details being added.

I've cut quite a few details in the new version. Hopefully it's better.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by issybird

Yes.

I'm going to pick two nits. One is "billionaire." Tired and silly and there just aren't that many, y'know? If you don't want "wealthy," and I agree that it might not say quite enough, how about something like "real estate mogul," "financial tycoon," "high-tech guru," or however he made his money?

I don't see how a job as a nanny is going to get anyone into college, frankly.

Thanks. He made his money building a waste management company. Any suggestions?

The nanny job is not impressive as such, it's working as a nanny for the billionaire (who is also a business/celebrity).

[Gregg Bell]

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. But something’s not right. Monroe’s baby is sick and getting sicker, and whenever Annie tries to comfort it Monroe won’t let her. Monroe’s nonchalant about it, but Annie suspects something sinister might be happening. Just as she discovers there is, she’s fired.

Annie reaches out for help, but her father thinks she’s exaggerating, the media fear Monroe’s influence, and the police are in his back pocket. Knowing the baby’s health is fading fast, Annie takes matters into her own hands and fights to uncover the terrible secrets Monroe is keeping. In the process she’s drawn into a web of lies, deception and evil that threatens the innocent child and now her own life.

[Hitch]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek’s stoked when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. But something’s not right. Monroe’s baby is sick and getting sicker, and whenever Annie tries to comfort it Monroe won’t let her. Monroe’s nonchalant about it, but Annie suspects something sinister might be happening. Just as she discovers there is, she’s fired.

Annie reaches out for help, but her father thinks she’s exaggerating, the media fear Monroe’s influence, and the police are in his back pocket. Knowing the baby’s health is fading fast, Annie takes matters into her own hands and fights to uncover the terrible secrets Monroe is keeping. In the process she’s drawn into a web of lies, deception and evil that threatens the innocent child and now her own life.

You know, I'm sorry. I read the earlier lengthy explanation by you about child welfare, etc., but wouldn't the police automatically call child welfare? I mean..I realize that this is screwing with your plotline, and I'm sorry, but even if she told a guidance counselor, they'd call child welfare. How are you planning to isolate this girl so she can't do any of the normal things that would happen IRL?

So, okay, you say that all the cops are corrupt, and that shuts off that venue. But school's always on, in the summer, nowadays, and guidance counselors--all psychologists and all that--are available too.

I still think you're adding too much detail. Honestly, Catlady's version works better as a selling tool than yours, BECAUSE of the very reasons you are mentioning.

When I read Catlady's, I assume that the author has managed to figure a way to suspend my disbelief, somehow. When I read yours, I have more questions about that, not as a description-helper, but as a reader. As in: okay, so her daddy and the cops didn't work. What about all the OTHER resources she has? When I read Catlady's, I don't even think about that. Her version actually works better, because it has a lot less detail, and it makes me think LESS about the improbabilities, rather than MORE.

When I read things like "Egyptian child-rearing practices," in prior versions, my brain starts to shut down.

I'm simply giving you my unbiased opinion. The more-detailed plotine makes me think that the suspension of disbelief might not be possible, whereas my automatic assumption, as a reader, is that you've solved that problem, using a shorter, less-detailed blurb.

FWIW.

Hitch

[Cinisajoy]

I agree with Hitch.
Catlady's version makes me want to read the book. Your version makes me think I have read the book.
You are giving away too much. Not to mention, it will turn off many readers before they even read the first page.
Please note, the questions you have gotten in this thread.

[ApK]

Originally Posted by issybird

I don't see how a job as a nanny is going to get anyone into college, frankly.

I was always told by guidance counselors that jobs that show responsibility and service for others look good on college applications.
Plus if she shows she has an in with a billionaire, maybe even has a letter of reference, the colleges might smell donation money. Seems like a sound plan to me.

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

But don't you want to know what she does, at least basically, to address the problem?
[...]
others want to know what the character does to deal with the problem, basically, tell me what to expect from this book.

As a reader choosing a book, all I want to know about that is:

Does she navigate a dangerous web of lies, deception and evil ?
or
Does she rely on her martial arts training and her dad's .45 to fight for the baby's life?
or
Does she summon the spirit of her sorceress mother?

That's enough to tell me what kind of book I'm holding.
The rest I should want to discover while blissfully immersed in your narrative!

I think Cinisajoy said it well:

Catlady's version makes me want to read the book. Your version makes me think I have read the book.

Too many notes, Mozart. Too many notes.

ApK

[gmw]

Just adding my voice to those that liked Catlady's version. Pretty much all the detail you are adding seems to be the sort of stuff I assumed would be the case after reading the shorter blurb. More to the point, I actually read that short blurb - I start to glaze over before reaching the end of the longer ones.

Gregg, you seem very attached to having a longer blurb. And hey, it's your book, you can do what you want. But there seems a consensus here, putting up changed versions that don't really change anything isn't getting you very far. Either take Dr. Drib's advice and try again from scratch or take what you want from what's been offered so far and run with it.

If you felt like starting from scratch, some of my best blurb ideas (or what I think are the best) have come from adapting sentences/paragraphs directly from the story. It doesn't always work, but I find it can be worth trying.


Now I just have to work out how to con Catlady into a time machine, go back three years and get help rewriting the blurb for my first novel. It has many of the same problems being addressed in yours. A niece told me then that it had too much detail. I think my niece was right, but I couldn't come up with anything better at the time. Everything shorter that I tried sounded cheap, nasty and clichéd. Note: I do not think such a description applies to Catlady's blurb for your novel.

[gmw]

As a sort of side note comparison of short vs long book blurbs, the book I'm reading now makes an curious example: The Camel Club by David Baldacci.

On this Amazon page here you will see a one (too large IMO) paragraph. If you use the "look inside" link it shows an old edition which happens to match the paperback I'm reading. Check out the back cover you'll see a 5 paragraph description! I'm halfway through and the third paragraph has just started happening, I haven't seen the fourth paragraph yet. This is seriously weird, those paragraphs are effectively spoilers built into the blurb (admittedly there is not much too surprising about the book, so they're not bad spoilers).

The lesson or moral that I take from this example is that it is not just Indies that sometimes get it wrong when writing blurbs.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Hitch

You know, I'm sorry. I read the earlier lengthy explanation by you about child welfare, etc., but wouldn't the police automatically call child welfare? I mean..I realize that this is screwing with your plotline, and I'm sorry, but even if she told a guidance counselor, they'd call child welfare. How are you planning to isolate this girl so she can't do any of the normal things that would happen IRL?

So, okay, you say that all the cops are corrupt, and that shuts off that venue. But school's always on, in the summer, nowadays, and guidance counselors--all psychologists and all that--are available too.

I still think you're adding too much detail. Honestly, Catlady's version works better as a selling tool than yours, BECAUSE of the very reasons you are mentioning.

When I read Catlady's, I assume that the author has managed to figure a way to suspend my disbelief, somehow. When I read yours, I have more questions about that, not as a description-helper, but as a reader. As in: okay, so her daddy and the cops didn't work. What about all the OTHER resources she has? When I read Catlady's, I don't even think about that. Her version actually works better, because it has a lot less detail, and it makes me think LESS about the improbabilities, rather than MORE.

Okay, fair enough. I can see that. Makes sense. Thanks Hitch.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

Not to mention, it will turn off many readers before they even read the first page.

How so? What in my version is going to turn them off?

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by ApK

Too many notes, Mozart. Too many notes.

Which ones?

(I couldn't resist.)

Okay, I hear you. Just enough in the blurb to make 'em want to read the book.