The 25 Funniest Analogies

[happy_terd]

The 25 Funniest Analogies (Collected by High School English Teachers)

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.


http://writingenglish.wordpress.com/...lish-teachers/

[WT Sharpe]

Thanks for that, HT! Those were laugh-out-loud funny. I hope to be buying books from some of those kids one day.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

[dragonbone]

LOL! That was hysterical. Thanks a lot for the laughs.
OK, I've got to go and fix my mascara now, all the while trying desperately NOT to think of anything....

[dreams]

Loved it I think there is even a story in there somewhere

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

[Moejoe]

Raymond Chandler was the king of these:

From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class. From 10 feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away.

He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.

She gave me a smile I could feel in my hip pocket.

She jerked away from me like a startled fawn might, if I had a startled fawn and it jerked away from me.

The streets were dark with something more than night.

[Javed]

Originally Posted by happy_terd

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

This is my favorite one.

[WT Sharpe]

Originally Posted by Moejoe

Raymond Chandler was the king of these:

Pat Novak for Hire was a radio detective show that was on the air from 1946-1949. Jack Webb of Dragnet fame and Ben Morris both had their turns at playing Novak, and John Galbraith and Raymond Burr had their turns at playing Inspector Helmann. Richard L. Breen's writing on the series has been called 'Chandleresque' for its style of humorous noir. Here are some samples of what was heard regularly on the program:

1. She was as sad as a tap dancer in moccasins.
2. Somebody was on my bed. Either that or the landlord had installed an echo.
3. Somebody had used to her badly, like a dictionary in a stupid family.
4. She was as safe a tap dancer on a floor full of dynamite caps.
5. It was like washing your kid's face and finding out he was ugly to begin with.
6. She was at least 50, because you can't get that ugly without years of practice.
7. Inspector Hellman: "No, I'm not going to tell you he's dead, Novak. He might be a soft breather."
8. The street was deserted except for a couple of winos, near the corner, trying to buy back 1926 at a dollar a jug.
9. Somebody had gone duck hunting in the middle of his back.
10. He slipped out of my arms and stopped paying taxes.
11. There was a stale, musty odor, could have been a marathon dancer's dressing room, with a little fixing up, the sort of place you wouldn't be found dead in. There was a guy lying next to me who didn't feel that way about it.
12. The doorman was a sober-looking specimen, the kind of guy that breathes every other Tuesday.
13. You start with trouble, and it never stops. It's like offering to buy aspirin for a two-headed boy.
14. The street was as deserted as a warm bottle of beer.
15. Her lounging pajamas reminded you of a good butler: it came in and went out at the right places, and it stayed close to the job.
16. It was a pretty room, if you like dead women on your rugs.
17. We tried to follow the car, but it would have been easier to win the Kentucky Derby on a pogo stick.
18. I noticed her eyes for the first time. They were small and so close together, they could have saved time and put 'em in one socket.
19. He was a tough, hard cop, with a heart big enough to hide behind a piece of birdseed.
20. When I left, he was crumpled up against the desk and she was staring down at him as if she forgot to water the plants.
21. She sauntered in, moving slowly from side to side like 118 pounds of warm smoke.
22. She'd been traded around more than a Red Sox pitcher.
23. I watched her as she turned and walked out the door. She was wearing a flowered print dress, and as she walked, the roses kept getting mixed up with the daisies.
24. She had nice hair, and the dress helped too. It was dark blue and had a v-neck, but the designer believed in big letters.
25. She was standing there in a dark, silk evening gown. It was strapless, and she had no worries.
26. Oh, it wasn't a bad book—if you ever wanted to start a forest fire.
27. It was a long stretch from Easter Monday, but he was still celebrating Irish independence.
28. I looked up the only honest guy I know, an ex-doctor and a boozer by the name of Jocko Madigan. He's all right for a guy who thinks people with steady hands are lazy.
29. I looked up the only honest guy I know, an ex-doctor and a boozer by the name of Jocko Madigan, a good guy, but to him a hangover is the price of being sober.
30. She gave you a nice warm feeling, like a Bunsen burner in the middle of your back.

[ardeegee]

Read this line recently, thought of this thread:

"It's like being molested by a sleeping bag that speaks in Comic Sans with little love-hearts over the i's"

(From Saturn's Children by Charles Stross)

[GeoffC]

once again, I must ask, may we have a "screen-spluttering-warning" pre-fix placed on these kind o' posts ......

pretty please .....

[Sweetpea]

Or a "warning, colleagues might start look strangely" warning...


My favourite!

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

[Sparrow]

When British astronomer Sir Patrick Moore was asked if Jupiter would be affected by the impact of the Shoemaker-Levy comet, he said it wouldn't - it'd be like trying to stop a charging rhinocerous by throwing a baked bean at it.

[ardeegee]

Originally Posted by Sparrow

When British astronomer Sir Patrick Moore was asked if Jupiter would be affected by the impact of the Shoemaker-Levy comet, he said it wouldn't - it'd be like trying to stop a charging rhinocerous by throwing a baked bean at it.

"Have you any idea how much damage that bulldozer would suffer if I just let it roll straight over you?"
"How much?" said Arthur.
"None at all," said Mr Prosser"

--HHGTTG