Unutterably Silly The Need for a National E-book Bailout

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

My fellow Americans: I am not a cr--

uh, excuse me... wrong prompter...

My fellow Americans: We are in the midst of a literary crisis! Our publishing industry, which employs on a conservative basis about 20 to 40 million citizens, is in imminent danger of collapse due to the current financial crisis. It has so far proven too difficult for them to enact needed programs, to make themselves more efficient, more profitable, less wasteful, and more "green." And now, the financial crisis has dealt them a severe blow, preventing them from following through on desired programs that they have conceived of and left sitting on planning shelves, awaiting the proper time for implementation that passed before they knew it.

This industry has been trying to improve its own lot, with an inspired, clever and almost magically-profitable set of programs developing e-books, investigating effective formats, designing dedicated hardware devices, and creating a clientèle for the new branch of their industry. These programs, still in their infancy after 20 scant years, have recently begun to show a glimmer of promise, a promise to revitalize the industry and save America.

Now, the national financial crisis is ruining all of those plans.

Therefore, we propose the consideration of Congress and the President of the United States to provide a bailout to the American e-book industry. This bailout would be for a miniscule total of... what? Not 500 billion dollars... not 300 billion dollars... not 200 billion dollars... but only $999,999,999 dollars! ...said money to be used to pay for the following:

• 3 Starfleet-issue LCARS-class 40-teraquad digital book servers, each buried in an earthquake- and nuclear-strike-proof storage facility in 3 global locations, each including a climate control system, professional security teams, and furnished apartments with wet bars for our secretaries and mistresses;
• Preserve the jobs of at least 50 digital conversion professionals (not including our secretaries and mistresses), with an option for 6 or 7 more (um, secretaries and mistresses... not digital guys);
• Provide those workers with full healthcare and perpetually-prepaid Starbucks cards (and that includes the secretaries and mistresses);
• The dedication of a program designed to create a universal e-book format capable of tying an individual book sale to an individual person permanently and perpetually, preventing loss, and preserving our misconceptions about our own market;
• The dedication of a program designed to create a universal e-book reader capable of storing these books, having a planned obsolescence of a maximum of 4 years, with a reliable 2-year "pressure period" during which owners will feel shamed, pathetic and downright unpatriotic if they do not upgrade sooner;
• A federal payout to support the authors that write for us, so we can utilize 100% of our profits for the support of our trust fund-- uh, industry;
• And a pony for all of us to ride. (Better make it a Clydesdale.)

We estimate that approximately $400 will be left over from the initial outlay of this bailout. We propose that money be spent on a national advertising campaign, designed to convince all Americans to play ball with us, buy our nationalized e-book readers, buy at lease 9 books per month at the going rate, and sign a written affidavit affirming that they agree to buy all subsequent copies of whatever insipid young male character (not necessarily human) in a serialized fantasy situation that we decide to throw at them. We can use as incentive the fact that their efforts will make the planet cleaner and greener, and by the way it will feed our pony.

But we must act now. Every day's delay costs our industry another $6-8 million, depending on the breaks, and who's winning the NFC East. Our country depends upon it. Our posterity depends on it. Our pensions depend on it.

Please, Oba-ma. You're our only hope.

[DixieGal]

I keep expecting to hear: "But Wait! Call in the next 10 minutes and receive a set of ginzu knives as our free gift to you. Just pay shipping and handling."

And I will. Tim and I are suckers for the hard sell infomercials!

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

Heh. You think we're gonna leave boxes of Ginzu knives where our secretaries and mistresses can get at 'em? Get real!

Tell you what: Act now, and on your first 20 e-books, we'll throw in the punctuation for free! (Offer not available in Britain.)

[pshrynk]

I thought it was the spelling that was optional in Britain and Canada?

[Greg Anos]

Hey Steve, can I get a cut? I just published something, sorta. (after all, I'm much more skillful than the Cowboys....)

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

Originally Posted by pshrynk

I thought it was the spelling that was optional in Britain and Canada?

Not going there...

Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward

Hey Steve, can I get a cut? I just published something, sorta. (after all, I'm much more skillful than the Cowboys....)

You get a bailout... you get a bailout... you get a bailout... you, you and you get a bailout... everyone gets a bailout! Everyone gets a bailout!