Unutterably Silly Dear Dr. Bad Advice

[Dr. Drib]

Being a part of MobileRead does have certain advantages. For example: My fiance lets me take out the garbage after I'm through checking this site for new postings.

I find there are two age groups on this site:
16-year-olds and 24-year-olds. Nothing else and nothing more. (I'm the one exception to this rule.) Why this is so remains a mystery to me.

This is what I found out about the two age groups:
The kids who are 16 are concerned with the latest Harry Potter book. Paradoxically, they seem oblivious to the fact that it is not yet available as an ebook and will never be available as an ebook. This is how they talk: "That book is stupid." Sometimes, they will say, "That author stinks."

The "kids" who are 24 don't speak English. Actually, I should more correctly phrase it this way: The speak in English but the words are not in English, because the words are all lifted out of a Neal Stephenson novel. Go figure. They are also full of proprietary knowledge (they would have you believe) about this device and that device, or the next device yet to hit the market.

In the spirit of all this bad advice and adolescent angst, I thought it would be amusing if I shared some of my letters with you, all of them actual letters that exist on my computer.



Dear Dr. Bad Advice:

I recently got married, and we’re currently in Hawaii for two weeks on our honeymoon. The problem is that my wife will not let me take my ebook to bed with me. What should I do?

Signed,
Trouble in Paradise

___________________________________________

Dear Trouble in Paradise:

Unless you like sleeping on the couch or contemplating divorce, then I would strongly suggest you submit to your wife’s demands, unreasonable though they may seem to be.

However, a lot also depends on the ebook you’re reading. If it’s anything by J.K. Rowling or L. Ron Hubbard, then I would suggest an immediate lobotomy.


Signed,
Dr. Bad Advice

_____________________________________________

Dear Dr. Bad Advice:

I followed your advice and my wife has filed for divorce and now wants the ebook in our divorce settlement. What should I do now?

Signed,
Trouble in Paradise

_____________________________________________

Dear Trouble in Paradise:

If it was an e-ink device, then simply drop it. Or, if it is no longer possible to drop the unit onto the floor, there is one final solution: It’s been reported on this site that one very popular unit breaks from the simple act of Reading. If you’re in luck, then you own that unit. That is your best hope and my best advice to you.

By the way, what is your wife currently reading?

Signed,
Dr. Bad Advice


_________________-
Have fun, live long, and READ!

Don

[RWood]

Dear Dr. Bad Advice:

I recently purchased several books from (store name) and there were many errors in the text. I corrected these errors on the e-ink screen using a Sharpie and White-out correction fluid. When I went to the next page the corrections were still there but they were the wrong corrections and the publisher did not include my changes when I flipped back to the prior page. What should I do?

Signed,
Unincorporated Corrections

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by RWood

Dear Dr. Bad Advice:

I recently purchased several books from (store name) and there were many errors in the text. I corrected these errors on the e-ink screen using a Sharpie and White-out correction fluid. When I went to the next page the corrections were still there but they were the wrong corrections and the publisher did not include my changes when I flipped back to the prior page. What should I do?

Signed,
Unincorporated Corrections

Dear Unincorporated Corrections:

Not many people know that PDF BOOKS always flow to newer page numbers, even if those numbers have shifted due to shifty characters (if you get my drift).

Combined with my previous paragraph (that would make two), the newer Sharpies and White-Out both use DRM-protected proprietary coding that does NOT flow with the text as do PDF BOOKS.

My advice: Throw away the Sharpies and White-Outs.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely,
Dr. Bad Advice

[pshrynk]

Dear Dr Bad Advice

Everyone keeps telling me to eat breakfast before Zany Carters. Trouble is, I keep forgetting. My question is, do you think Amazon will ever sell their e-books DRM-free?

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by pshrynk

Dear Dr Bad Advice

Everyone keeps telling me to eat breakfast before Zany Carters. Trouble is, I keep forgetting. My question is, do you think Amazon will ever sell their e-books DRM-free?

Dear pshrynk:

I have no idea.

However, let me relate to you this story about a man who actually met with Mr. Bozos. I heard it from one who had no business to tell it to me, but he told me anyway. Here’s his story, which I quote exactly as it is in my computer, so it must be true:


“Don’t publish this, but we need to sell these newer Kindle 2.0 units first before we can even think about introducing a Kindle 3.0. Whoever put a keyboard on the front of the unit should be castrated.” He smiled indulgently at me, his smile like an over-inflated party balloon about ready to burst. He teeth, I noticed, looked like a freshly-waxed floor.

“These newer units,” he continued, “have introduced a whole new series of problems. See?” He pointed toward a palette of boxes in the corner. “There are about 10,000 of the newer units here. We need to get rid of these Kindle 2.0s as quick as possible,” he said again, “because of the NEW design screw-up that some idiot introduced.”

I wondered who had hired this “idiot” he spoke of.

“What’s wrong with these new units,” I asked.

“Look for yourself.”

I walked over to the palette and picked up one of the purple Kindle 2.0s from an opened box. Interestingly, the keyboard now occupied ¾ of the front of the unit, while the actual reading screen was slightly bigger than two postage stamps.

“The person who designed this should lose an arm!” he said, a touch of exasperation creeping into his voice. When I told them to redesign the keyboard, I didn’t mean for them to make the keyboard LARGER! Why did Sony get it right, but we can’t seem to create something attractive?”

I had no answer for that.

“Well, we’re about to have a staff meeting, so if you will excuse me?”

I thanked him for the interview and then walked past members of his staff, who were all very friendly, by the way. Next to the elevator a one-armed maintenance worker was woking. Another man a few feet away, with a bandage across his crotch area, hunkered past me like a wounded rodent.

I hope the above answers your questions.

Sincerely,
Dr. Bad Advice

[BookishDreamer]

Dear Dr. Bad Advice,

I'm a member of a reading group. Last week we met to discuss a new book. I was so excited to show them the ebook version and how nicely the reader fit into my purse compared to the large and thick hardcover book they all carried. During the discussion I had a little trouble keeping up because they referenced page numbers that didn't match my ebook, but overall I think the reader performed satisfactorily and I didn't really need to look at the pages because I knew the story well enough. However, I was disconcerted by the reactions of my fellow readers. One lady was appalled and said that my ebook reader was naked because it had a plain black cover rather than the garish picture of an anatomical impossibility that her book depicted. Another woman derided my inability to easily locate a specific page and paragraph location. This morning I received an e-mail saying that I've been ostracized from the group because they feel that my exotic choice of reading media created a stressful atmosphere and inhibited the discussion of the selected novel, "The Alien Ravishment of Roselyn".

What should I do?

Miss Numbered N. Bare

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by BookishDreamer

Dear Dr. Bad Advice,

I'm a member of a reading group. Last week we met to discuss a new book. I was so excited to show them the ebook version and how nicely the reader fit into my purse compared to the large and thick hardcover book they all carried. During the discussion I had a little trouble keeping up because they referenced page numbers that didn't match my ebook, but overall I think the reader performed satisfactorily and I didn't really need to look at the pages because I knew the story well enough. However, I was disconcerted by the reactions of my fellow readers. One lady was appalled and said that my ebook reader was naked because it had a plain black cover rather than the garish picture of an anatomical impossibility that her book depicted. Another woman derided my inability to easily locate a specific page and paragraph location. This morning I received an e-mail saying that I've been ostracized from the group because they feel that my exotic choice of reading media created a stressful atmosphere and inhibited the discussion of the selected novel, "The Alien Ravishment of Roselyn".

What should I do?

Miss Numbered N. Bare

Dear Miss Numbered N. Bare:

I understand your predicament entirely!

Thank God, there are only six different genders on this planet or there’d be real confusion!

I have a number of suggestions, although each suggestion may introduce a whole series of concomitant problems to your predicament.

1) The first suggestion is to buy a larger purse in order to carry more ebook Readers. What is the logic of this? you may ask.

Well:
If you bring a large number of ebook reading devices to your discussion, then you can have each device on a different page. Although somewhat unwieldy (and perhaps costly, since ebook readers now sell for $597.00), you would be able – by example – to show them how unwieldy a hardcover book can be, especially when you hit them over the head with it. Would anyone in his right mind, I ask rhetorically, want to carry Neal Stephenson’s tome, Anathem, around with her, for example? Of course not! The question itself is patently ridiculous.

2.) You could buy stickies of the alien anatomy and tape this SKIN to the back of your reader. Just make certain that what is taped to the BACK of the device actually represents the FRONT of the alien anatomy. A simple mistake could lead your whole discussion group down a path that few would want to trod and may actually endanger your health.

3) I was fortunate to read Roselyn’s autobiography, "The Alien Ravishment of Roselyn.” In fact, I recently met with Roselyn, who lives in Roswell, New Mexico, before she died. I spoke briefly with her, but I was unable to learn much from her due to her wandering mind.

I discovered, however, that the 87-year-old was very exact in her description of the aliens when she described her ravishment 2 years ago. On this one point, her mind was very sharp.

“They wanted me,” she concluded. "Hehehehehe."

I was about to ask her what she meant, but she promptly fell asleep.

I hope this helps with your discussion group.


Signed,
Dr. Bad Advice

[RWood]

Dear Dr. Bad Advice:

At a recent rally in Fairfax (you may have seen it on tonight's newscast) one of the politico junkies proclaimed my Sony Reader to be a tool of the devil (Bezobub.) They threw it to the ground, jumped on it with their spike heels, and proceeded to do as much damage as they could to it. By a miracle the unit still worked and displayed the King James version of Bible. As a sign, it was opened to the passage about forgiving others.

Should I forgive this one protester or must I forgive the entire Democratic that she was protesting for?

Signed,
Still Reading Along

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by RWood

Dear Dr. Bad Advice:

At a recent rally in Fairfax (you may have seen it on tonight's newscast) one of the politico junkies proclaimed my Sony Reader to be a tool of the devil (Bezobub.) They threw it to the ground, jumped on it with their spike heels, and proceeded to do as much damage as they could to it. By a miracle the unit still worked and displayed the King James version of Bible. As a sign, it was opened to the passage about forgiving others.

Should I forgive this one protester or must I forgive the entire Democratic that she was protesting for?

Signed,
Still Reading Along

Dear Still Reading Along:

I am at a loss to understand the continuing confusion between Bezobub and Mr. Bezos. I’ll give you a hint: One of them is the Devil; that is, unless one is a doppelganger of the other...

You should not blame the Democratic party or even the Republican Party for any misfortune; after all, fools wander where others fear to tread. Or something like that.

The bigger question is this: If one can forgive man, can one forgive aliens? I would suggest that you hold off on reading the King James version of the Bible and read Roselyn’s autobiography, "The Alien Ravishment of Roselyn.”

Consider it a sign from Above that your Sony still works. I would call that a miracle in itself and be happy.

Signed,
Dr. Bad Advice

[montsnmags]

Dear Dr. Bad Advice,

I recently downloaded a whole lot of pirate ebooks from a link someone sent me. Now I really love that there are so many pirate ebooks available, but when I mention it here, some people look at me nastily with suggestion that I am contributing to terrorism and that I probably have close relations with livestock. I don't think this is fair at all. I really enjoy downloading pirate ebooks. I mean, Treasure Island is an absolute classic, and, sure, I've also got some children's ebooks, like Pirate Pete, but surely that would only make me prone to mockery and derision, not moral outrage. Admittedly there is also the How To Be A Pirate, but it is purely for reference and comparison in relation to the assorted pirate biographies I own.

Regardless, I think their judgement of me because of my pirate ebook collection is totally unfair. Do you think they're being unfair? How can I respond to their discriminatory and judgemental contempt?

Also, how does a gas barbecue work?

Signed in my own blood, with many an "Arrrr, me maties!"
Captain Grayscalebeard

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by montsnmags

Dear Dr. Bad Advice,

I recently downloaded a whole lot of pirate ebooks from a link someone sent me. Now I really love that there are so many pirate ebooks available, but when I mention it here, some people look at me nastily with suggestion that I am contributing to terrorism and that I probably have close relations with livestock. I don't think this is fair at all. I really enjoy downloading pirate ebooks. I mean, Treasure Island is an absolute classic, and, sure, I've also got some children's ebooks, like Pirate Pete, but surely that would only make me prone to mockery and derision, not moral outrage. Admittedly there is also the How To Be A Pirate, but it is purely for reference and comparison in relation to the assorted pirate biographies I own.

Regardless, I think their judgement of me because of my pirate ebook collection is totally unfair. Do you think they're being unfair? How can I respond to their discriminatory and judgemental contempt?

Also, how does a gas barbecue work?

Signed in my own blood, with many an "Arrrr, me maties!"
Captain Grayscalebeard

Dear Captain “Arrrr, me maties!” Grayscalebeard:


I thought I told you not to let anyone know I gave you that Torrent address!

Well, let me try to give you some better bad advice:

I can understand your frustration. Basically, however, you have nothing to worry about unless you start wearing tights and feel a strong desire to sing and dance. If you do feel a need to wear tights, try to accessorize by “wearing silver-buckled slippers and tight shiny pants” while you read [Ray Stevens/The Pirate Song]. Also, when dressed in that outfit, try to avoid any club where motorcycles are present.

Now for the bad news: I’m afraid that if you continue to download books then I will be forced to ban you. Not for the downloading of books, mind you, but for your incredibly bad taste in reading material.

“But that’s stupid,” as one 16-year-old remarked on this site recently. Yes, indeed it is stupid. But only a 16-year-old would say it. You will never hear me saying that.

As for your other question, once the criminal has been gassed, the excess gas is then filtered in a clever way to avoid any contamination, whereupon the remaining gas is then vacuum-bottled into an adjoining room and promptly shipped to Wal-Mart for popular consumption in home environments. Remember: Gas, a Better Way to Live.

You can obtain more information from this torrent address. (But don’t tell anyone.)

http://www.TorrentsBeGone@BarbieDollsRUs


Signed,
Dr. Bad Advice

[UncleDuke]

doc,

i got this rash from, er, from an old book, yeah, that's right, from an old book, should i tell her about it or invite the lady down at the library out for dinner?

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by UncleDuke

doc,

i got this rash from, er, from an old book, yeah, that's right, from an old book, should i tell her about it or invite the lady down at the library out for dinner?

Dear UncleDuke:

UncleDuke, indeed!

I understand the “code” you’re writing in, but I must be very frank in my bad advice.

I cannot say this often enough: Never read an ebook while sitting on a public toilet!

It’s been proven that germs do indeed have incredible jumping skills (Why should they like the toilet any better than you? They want out!) However, even though germs are good jumpers, the less successful germs don’t jump high enough to jump OUT of the toilet, if you understand what I’m saying.

So, and unfortunately in your case, what you are dealing with are the weaker-jumping germs who get trapped. Let us leave this unpleasant subject by stating that they find a different place to live.

Now, to your second question:

Absolutely tell the librarian about your problem! Also – and I must be insistent upon this – tell her about my advice to you, as well.

You both will laugh about this later.


Signed,
Dr. Bad Advice

[nekokami]

Dear Dr. Bad Advice:

The pages seem to be stuck together on my eReader. I've tried turning it upside-down and shaking, and running a degaussing magnet over the surface, but I'm still stuck on the same page. My significant other says it's because I was eating a peanut butter sandwich while reading. I think he's just sulking because I finished the last of the crunchy PB. But I'm tired of reading this one page over and over. Please help!

[Dr. Drib]

Originally Posted by nekokami

Dear Dr. Bad Advice:

The pages seem to be stuck together on my eReader. I've tried turning it upside-down and shaking, and running a degaussing magnet over the surface, but I'm still stuck on the same page. My significant other says it's because I was eating a peanut butter sandwich while reading. I think he's just sulking because I finished the last of the crunchy PB. But I'm tired of reading this one page over and over. Please help!

Dear nekokami:

Yes, unfortunately this seems to be a symptom of early e-ink readers, due in large part to the use of back-lighting on these units.

My bad advice is to buy a soldering gun and a hammer.

I assume you mean your iLiad is the one giving you the problem? Good! That’s the one I was hoping you were having problems with. Don’t be afraid to completely take the unit apart; in fact, you can consider this a learning experience for having bought such an expensive piece of equipment…

Very carefully open the unit with the forked end of the hammer, gently prying apart the two halves of the Reader. Now, tap gently with the hammer and try to isolate the “hollow” sound that accompanies a bad resister. Please understand that this may take awhile, as there are 11,318 resisters in the iLiad. This means you must tap the Reader with the hammer 11,318 times.

Once you’ve located the bad resister, pull it out with the forked end of the hammer and simply solder the unit back together, making certain you do not put the two halves upside down, as this may cause problems.

It just occurred to me: Make certain the unit is unplugged from the wall first.

Signed,
Dr. Bad Advice

(Dr. Bad Advice will turn off the computer now, but he'll be back tomorrow.)