Blurb for a suspense novel -- AMERICAN BALLERINA

Gregg Bell · 10-21-2015, 07:05 PM

I've another suspense novel I'll be bringing out soon. It's titled American Ballerina. Here's the blurb. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks.

Please see the NEW version of this blurb in post #11. Thanks.

Lily Russell is a world-class ballerina. In her mind at least.

And she’ll stop at nothing to catch on with the prestigious Royal Ballet of London. Jeremy, her jealous former lover, fuels her fantasy.

Then Lily meets a king. Who is no fantasy.

Two loves, two cultures and two worlds collide to bring about one choice—that may cost Lily her life.

A mind-bending clash between what’s real and what’s imagined, American Ballerina is a compulsively readable suspense ride that never stops.

Cinisajoy · 10-21-2015, 07:46 PM

Not liking it. Let me think.

gmw · 10-21-2015, 09:30 PM

I'm with Cinisajoy on this, not liking it much at all.

The sentence fragments ("In her mind at least.", "Who is no fantasy.") feel overdone and/or out of place. The whole thing feels jerky (not as in beef, but as in spasmodic

), "Compulsively readable" sounds like being damned by faint praise. I still can't work out whether Lily is actually a ballerina or whether she's dreaming - not sure if that is intentional. I can't work out why Lily's life may be in danger.

Nancy Fulda · 10-21-2015, 11:55 PM

Overall, it feels a bit generic. I like the general idea of what's going on, but my brain craves specific details.

In what way is Lily trying to catch on with the Royal Ballet? (It could be anything from publicity schemes and social conniving to illegal record modification to full-scale blackmail. Any of these options is inherently more interesting to me than the generic "will stop at nothing".)

Similarly, in what way does Jeremy fuel this fantasy? Encouragement? Supporting her delusions? Making her feel inadequate unless she is performing with a prestigious company?

And what's up with the king? King of what? And which two cultures are we talking about? British and American? Asian and South African?

Nancy Fulda · 10-21-2015, 11:57 PM

(Also, a minor note: American Ballerina does not feel at all like the title of a suspense novel to me. Obviously, if paired with the right cover it could speak to potential readers, but based on the title alone I would have guessed this as either an underdog sports story or a social drama about the life of an aspiring performer.)

Cinisajoy · 10-22-2015, 12:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nancy Fulda

(Also, a minor note: American Ballerina does not feel at all like the title of a suspense novel to me. Obviously, if paired with the right cover it could speak to potential readers, but based on the title alone I would have guessed this as either an underdog sports story or a social drama about the life of an aspiring performer.)

Gregg is the king of odd titles for suspense.

Nancy Fulda · 10-22-2015, 11:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

Gregg is the king of odd titles for suspense.

Oh, well, if it's a Thing that's different. Readership and all.

Gregg Bell · 10-22-2015, 09:04 PM

Thanks all. I'm not at all wed to the title. (I think sub-consciously I may have been trying to glom a little of American Sniper's popularity.) And yeah, I think anything with 'Ballerina' in the title is not going to sound suspenseful. The MC (Lily) is delusional in her thinking that she's a prospect to make it in the big-time ballet world. Her ex-lover (Jeremy) is an all-around bad influence. He wants back into her life and his wedge to do that is encouraging her "dream" (which is really a delusion, but Lily wouldn't think of it as such) of being a ballerina in the Royal Ballet. (He tells her he can help her get an audition there.) In the meantime Lily meets King Edmund Adyemi, a king of a tribe in Africa, who is in London driving a cab but also competing as a boxer.

The story has a lot of Lily being pulled between good (Edmund and rational thinking) and bad (Jeremy and flights into fantasy).

Lily is an unreliable narrator. Good intentioned but a mess. In that sense, I see her as being someone like the narrator in The Girl on the Train. And there is a murder (King Edmund's) that Lily tries to solve (and she suspects Jeremy of having committed). But the idea (from my perspective) is that Lily is so prone to fantasy that Jeremy might not even exist (he might be a figment of her imagination).

And this book has a lot of romance in it but no "happily ever after" ending so I can't call it Romantic Suspense. (And really it is suspense with a lot of romance.)

I'm going to get back to work on it.

Cinisajoy · 10-22-2015, 10:20 PM

Darling,
Oh please. Do not base your book on another title. PS: American Sniper was not a good movie.

Gregg Bell · 10-23-2015, 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

Darling,
Oh please. Do not base your book on another title. PS: American Sniper was not a good movie.

Yeah. I know. It made a little sense though since my MC is an American ballerina in London. But as I have been told several times anything with Ballerina in it hardly suggests suspense.

This is the first book I ever really struggled with finding a title.

Gregg Bell · 10-23-2015, 12:24 PM

Lily Russell is an American ballerina in London who admittedly struggles with fantasy. She wants more than anything to dance with the prestigious Royal Ballet. Only problem is she doesn’t have the credentials or talent to get an audition. Jeremy, Lily’s mysterious former lover, encourages her fantasy by telling her he can help her get the audition.

Then one day on the train Lily meets King Edmund Adeyemi. Edmund’s the king of an African tribe and he’s on a quest “ordained by God and confirmed by surviving a cobra’s bite” to make it as a boxer. Despite his lofty ambition Edmund is thoroughly grounded in reality and helps Lily deal with her struggles with fantasy.

But after the biggest boxing match of his life Edmund is murdered. Lily’s convinced Jeremy is the killer, but the authorities can find no trace Jeremy even exists, and the evidence points directly at Lily. With the police closing in and Lily questioning her ability to separate what’s real from what’s fantasy she embarks on a desperate struggle to bring Jeremy to justice before it’s too late.

Rizla · 10-23-2015, 12:33 PM

Quote:

Lily Russell is a world-class ballerina. In her mind at least.

She’ll stop at nothing to join the prestigious Royal Ballet, and her jealous ex-lover is fueling her fantasies.

Then Lily meets a king, who is no fantasy.

Two loves, two cultures and two worlds collide to force a single choice, a choice that that may cost Lily her dreams, her sanity and even her life.

A mind-bending clash between what’s real and what’s imagined, American Ballerina is a suspenseful ride that never stops.

My take on it. I've changed / reinterpreted stuff because I felt it needed the extra sounds in there. But overall very good. You have a good base there.
I like the existing title. I'm surprised it hasn't been used before. Sure, it's not obviously "suspense" but it's good.

Gregg Bell · 10-23-2015, 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rizla

My take on it. I've changed / reinterpreted stuff because I felt it needed the extra sounds in there. But overall very good. You have a good base there.
I like the existing title. I'm surprised it hasn't been used before. Sure, it's not obviously "suspense" but it's good.

Thanks Rizla. Sorry (I just added a note to the OP.) but I've pretty much bailed on that original version. But you know what, I like the title too. LOL But I admit it isn't very suspenseful. Still mulling that over. If you get a chance check post #11.

Rizla · 10-23-2015, 03:25 PM

I already saw the second version. The first is better IMO, which I (liberally) modified. Good luck with the book.

Nancy Fulda · 10-23-2015, 11:10 PM

I like the new version. More specific, more concrete details that grab my attention.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Free (nook/Kindle) Recognition [African-American Missing Persons Literary Suspense]	ATDrake	Deals and Resources (No Self-Promotion or Affiliate Links)	4	11-23-2015 12:40 PM
Suspense blurb feedback?	Gregg Bell	Writers' Corner	172	10-16-2015 12:51 PM
blurb help please?	BeccaPrice	Writers' Corner	22	02-01-2014 02:32 PM
Does this blurb sound okay?	mr ploppy	Writers' Corner	24	01-16-2012 01:14 PM
How a Latin American living in Africa could buy American magazine subscriptions:	central11	Amazon Kindle	10	08-13-2010 08:27 AM

10-21-2015, 07:05 PM	#1
Gregg Bell Gregg Bell Posts: 2,266 Karma: 3917598 Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Itasca, Illinois Device: Kindle Touch 7, Sony PRS300, Fire HD8 Tablet	Blurb for a suspense novel -- AMERICAN BALLERINA I've another suspense novel I'll be bringing out soon. It's titled American Ballerina. Here's the blurb. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks. Please see the NEW version of this blurb in post #11. Thanks. Lily Russell is a world-class ballerina. In her mind at least. And she’ll stop at nothing to catch on with the prestigious Royal Ballet of London. Jeremy, her jealous former lover, fuels her fantasy. Then Lily meets a king. Who is no fantasy. Two loves, two cultures and two worlds collide to bring about one choice—that may cost Lily her life. A mind-bending clash between what’s real and what’s imagined, American Ballerina is a compulsively readable suspense ride that never stops. Last edited by Gregg Bell; 10-23-2015 at 01:00 PM.

10-21-2015, 07:46 PM	#2
Cinisajoy Just a Yellow Smiley. Posts: 19,161 Karma: 83862859 Join Date: Jul 2015 Location: Texas Device: K4, K5, fire, kobo, galaxy	Not liking it. Let me think.

10-21-2015, 09:30 PM	#3
gmw cacoethes scribendi Posts: 5,818 Karma: 137770742 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Australia Device: Kobo Aura One & H2Ov2, Sony PRS-650	I'm with Cinisajoy on this, not liking it much at all. The sentence fragments ("In her mind at least.", "Who is no fantasy.") feel overdone and/or out of place. The whole thing feels jerky (not as in beef, but as in spasmodic ), "Compulsively readable" sounds like being damned by faint praise. I still can't work out whether Lily is actually a ballerina or whether she's dreaming - not sure if that is intentional. I can't work out why Lily's life may be in danger.

10-21-2015, 11:55 PM	#4
Nancy Fulda I write stories. Posts: 700 Karma: 16437432 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Northern Germany Device: kindle	Overall, it feels a bit generic. I like the general idea of what's going on, but my brain craves specific details. In what way is Lily trying to catch on with the Royal Ballet? (It could be anything from publicity schemes and social conniving to illegal record modification to full-scale blackmail. Any of these options is inherently more interesting to me than the generic "will stop at nothing".) Similarly, in what way does Jeremy fuel this fantasy? Encouragement? Supporting her delusions? Making her feel inadequate unless she is performing with a prestigious company? And what's up with the king? King of what? And which two cultures are we talking about? British and American? Asian and South African?

10-21-2015, 11:57 PM	#5
Nancy Fulda I write stories. Posts: 700 Karma: 16437432 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Northern Germany Device: kindle	(Also, a minor note: American Ballerina does not feel at all like the title of a suspense novel to me. Obviously, if paired with the right cover it could speak to potential readers, but based on the title alone I would have guessed this as either an underdog sports story or a social drama about the life of an aspiring performer.)

10-22-2015, 09:04 PM	#8
Gregg Bell Gregg Bell Posts: 2,266 Karma: 3917598 Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Itasca, Illinois Device: Kindle Touch 7, Sony PRS300, Fire HD8 Tablet	Thanks all. I'm not at all wed to the title. (I think sub-consciously I may have been trying to glom a little of American Sniper's popularity.) And yeah, I think anything with 'Ballerina' in the title is not going to sound suspenseful. The MC (Lily) is delusional in her thinking that she's a prospect to make it in the big-time ballet world. Her ex-lover (Jeremy) is an all-around bad influence. He wants back into her life and his wedge to do that is encouraging her "dream" (which is really a delusion, but Lily wouldn't think of it as such) of being a ballerina in the Royal Ballet. (He tells her he can help her get an audition there.) In the meantime Lily meets King Edmund Adyemi, a king of a tribe in Africa, who is in London driving a cab but also competing as a boxer. The story has a lot of Lily being pulled between good (Edmund and rational thinking) and bad (Jeremy and flights into fantasy). Lily is an unreliable narrator. Good intentioned but a mess. In that sense, I see her as being someone like the narrator in The Girl on the Train. And there is a murder (King Edmund's) that Lily tries to solve (and she suspects Jeremy of having committed). But the idea (from my perspective) is that Lily is so prone to fantasy that Jeremy might not even exist (he might be a figment of her imagination). And this book has a lot of romance in it but no "happily ever after" ending so I can't call it Romantic Suspense. (And really it is suspense with a lot of romance.) I'm going to get back to work on it.

10-22-2015, 10:20 PM	#9
Cinisajoy Just a Yellow Smiley. Posts: 19,161 Karma: 83862859 Join Date: Jul 2015 Location: Texas Device: K4, K5, fire, kobo, galaxy	Darling, Oh please. Do not base your book on another title. PS: American Sniper was not a good movie.

10-23-2015, 12:24 PM	#11
Gregg Bell Gregg Bell Posts: 2,266 Karma: 3917598 Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Itasca, Illinois Device: Kindle Touch 7, Sony PRS300, Fire HD8 Tablet	A new blurb Lily Russell is an American ballerina in London who admittedly struggles with fantasy. She wants more than anything to dance with the prestigious Royal Ballet. Only problem is she doesn’t have the credentials or talent to get an audition. Jeremy, Lily’s mysterious former lover, encourages her fantasy by telling her he can help her get the audition. Then one day on the train Lily meets King Edmund Adeyemi. Edmund’s the king of an African tribe and he’s on a quest “ordained by God and confirmed by surviving a cobra’s bite” to make it as a boxer. Despite his lofty ambition Edmund is thoroughly grounded in reality and helps Lily deal with her struggles with fantasy. But after the biggest boxing match of his life Edmund is murdered. Lily’s convinced Jeremy is the killer, but the authorities can find no trace Jeremy even exists, and the evidence points directly at Lily. With the police closing in and Lily questioning her ability to separate what’s real from what’s fantasy she embarks on a desperate struggle to bring Jeremy to justice before it’s too late. Last edited by Gregg Bell; 10-23-2015 at 12:59 PM. Reason: a slight tweak

10-23-2015, 03:25 PM	#14
Rizla Member Retired Posts: 3,183 Karma: 11721895 Join Date: Nov 2010 Device: Nook STR (rooted) & Sony T2	I already saw the second version. The first is better IMO, which I (liberally) modified. Good luck with the book.

10-23-2015, 11:10 PM	#15
Nancy Fulda I write stories. Posts: 700 Karma: 16437432 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Northern Germany Device: kindle	I like the new version. More specific, more concrete details that grab my attention.

Advert

Advert