blurb comments, please?

[BeccaPrice]

for a short collection of fairy stories:

What does a princess do when a dragon moves into her kingdom, and everyone says that dragons eat princesses? Part Paperbag Princess, part The Reluctant Dragon, all it's very own story. A Princess for Tea is one of these charming fairy stories, geared for bed time reading. 9000 words and approximately 40 pages total


Can I call my own stories charming?

[ApK]

Originally Posted by BeccaPrice

for a short collection of fairy stories:

What does a princess do when a dragon moves into her kingdom, and everyone says that dragons eat princesses? Part Paperbag Princess, part The Reluctant Dragon, all it's very own story. A Princess for Tea is one of these charming fairy stories, geared for bed time reading. 9000 words and approximately 40 pages total


Can I call my own stories charming?

Yes, you can call them charming. Especially if they are. If you want, have some one else write the blurb, and tell them to call them charming.

Anythehoo:
I like the blurb (and I think I'd like to read this book to my daughter!) except for one element:
I don't know what "Paperbag Princess" or "The Reluctant Dragon" are.
Are they other stories? Do I need to read them first?
Do I need to seek them out to be sure they aren't adult urban fantasy S&M fairy tales? Is this a book for small children, a delight for the whole family, or only for consenting adults to read at bedtime?
Is your story only a derivative of those others with no way to define itself except by comparison?
I get that there can be value....marketing value....to "In the grand tradition of...." or "If you liked ... then you'll love ....!" but I would prefer that the text and tone of the blurb communicate the desired information to me directly.

ApK

[BeccaPrice]

Originally Posted by ApK

I don't know what "Paperbag Princess" or "The Reluctant Dragon" are.
Are they other stories? Do I need to read them first?
ApK

Paperbag Princess is an award-winning picture book by Robert Munsch. The Reluctant Dragon was a Disney cartoon, and an award-winning short story before that. Paperbag Princess is recent; the Reluctant Dragon is older (and maybe only my generation remembers it). Both were influencers on the Princess for Tea story - but if people won't know what they are, maybe I'd better take the references out.

btw, if you PM me with your email address, I'd be happy to send you the file (mobi? epub? word? pdf?) for you to read to your daughter, if you give me feedback on how she likes them.

[ApK]

Originally Posted by BeccaPrice

btw, if you PM me with your email address, I'd be happy to send you the file (mobi? epub? word? pdf?) for you to read to your daughter, if you give me feedback on how she likes them.

Awesome, thx!

[crich70]

What (can) a princess do when a dragon moves into her kingdom, and everyone (knows) that dragons eat princesses? Part Paperbag Princess, part The Reluctant Dragon, (yet) all it's very own story. A Princess for Tea is one of (those)charming fairy stories (which is) geared for bed time reading.

I put in some suggestions for changes in ( )'s. I'd leave off the length entirely as an estimated length will be in the description anyway and most people expect a short story to not be overly long in any event.

[ApK]

Originally Posted by crich70

I put in some suggestions for changes in ( )'s. I'd leave off the length entirely as an estimated length will be in the description anyway and most people expect a short story to not be overly long in any event.

Your changes reflect a decided change in implicit meaning, which may not be what she intended.

Your way says the princess is forced into the only action available to her, and in her world, dragons eat princesses.

The original way suggests that she has full freedom to decide what to do, and while people SAY dragons eat princesses, our self-guided princess might follow a path that leads her to a different fact....

And I'm not sure that one reads better then the other anyway.

I don't think your last sentence reads well. My editing reflex always questions the addition of "which" and in this case I agree with the reflex.
And "these" in Becca's blurb refers to the stories in this collection. Not just "one of those things."



ApK

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by BeccaPrice

for a short collection of fairy stories:

What does a princess do when a dragon moves into her kingdom, and everyone says that dragons eat princesses? Part Paperbag Princess, part The Reluctant Dragon, all it's very own story. A Princess for Tea is one of these charming fairy stories, geared for bed time reading. 9000 words and approximately 40 pages total


Can I call my own stories charming?

I don't read fairy stories but here goes.

I think your first line (What does a princess do when a dragon moves into her kingdom, and everyone says that dragons eat princesses?) is great. Just the kind of line that would delight and intrigue a child.

Comparing your story to others I'm not so sure that works. The 'this is a cross between...' might work when submitting to literary agents as a time-saver and genre-finder, but I'm not so sure it would work with ebook buyers. It might seem a little lazy (like 'he was a dead ringer for Leonardo Dicaprio') and, as was mentioned, not mean anything to the reader, and it might seem like you're trying to have a little of the greatness of the other stories rub off on your own.

You've got a great story. The first line sets it up perfectly. Sell us something else from the story. Maybe a great line from it. A line that shows how clever the princess is as she anticipates dealing with this problem. But it doesn't have to be that. Maybe you show a conflict point.

[crich70]

Originally Posted by ApK

Your changes reflect a decided change in implicit meaning, which may not be what she intended.

Your way says the princess is forced into the only action available to her, and in her world, dragons eat princesses.

The original way suggests that she has full freedom to decide what to do, and while people SAY dragons eat princesses, our self-guided princess might follow a path that leads her to a different fact....

And I'm not sure that one reads better then the other anyway.

I don't think your last sentence reads well. My editing reflex always questions the addition of "which" and in this case I agree with the reflex.
And "these" in Becca's blurb refers to the stories in this collection. Not just "one of those things."



ApK

Perhaps, but they were just suggestions, not something set in stone that she has to use. Just thought it might read better that way. Of course Becca is still free to use or discard any suggestions made depending on if she feels they work or not.

[ApK]

Originally Posted by crich70

Perhaps, but they were just suggestions, not something set in stone that she has to use. Just thought it might read better that way. Of course Becca is still free to use or discard any suggestions made depending on if she feels they work or not.

Of course. Did you think I was in any doubt of that?
We're discussing it.
Isn't that why we're in a discussion forum rather than sending our suggestions to her in a PM?

[cromag]

I didn't recognize the references to Paperbag Princess or The Reluctant Dragon either. Perhaps you could mention how they relate?

Otherwise, I liked it. Too bad my daughter's in college -- I used to tell her bedtime stories every night ... way back when.

[BeccaPrice]

A princess sets out to save her kingdom when a dragon moves in next door. A grumpy dragon learns to be less grumpy. Two children discover what is The Dark that lives between the trees near their house. Bad times come to a small village, and one girl sets out to find the solution. These modern bedtime fairy tales have been called "small gems" that will delight your family.


I think this is a horrible blurb, but I can't figure out anything better. There are 4 stories in this collection, and I'm giving one sentence to each one, but I'm not sure any of them do the stories justice.

Help, please?

[crich70]

How about something like this BeccaPrice:

What is a princess to do when a dragon moves into the house next door? Why go on a quest of course. Meanwhile a grumpy dragon must learn how to get along with others and be less grumpy, two children discover the true nature of The Dark that lives between the trees near their house and bad times come to a small village, and only one young girl has a chance of finding the solution to the problem. Between the covers of this book you will find these modern bedtime "gems" that will delight your family.

[BeccaPrice]

Much better. It's off for the first two stories, but that's the fault of my original blurb, it led you astray. (although it did give me an idea for another story that better fits your first sentence!)

Is it vanity and too much for me to call my own stories "gems"?

[VydorScope]

Originally Posted by BeccaPrice

Much better. It's off for the first two stories, but that's the fault of my original blurb, it led you astray. (although it did give me an idea for another story that better fits your first sentence!)

Is it vanity and too much for me to call my own stories "gems"?

No, but do not put "gems" in "quotes", "IMO"

[crich70]

Originally Posted by BeccaPrice

Much better. It's off for the first two stories, but that's the fault of my original blurb, it led you astray. (although it did give me an idea for another story that better fits your first sentence!)

Is it vanity and too much for me to call my own stories "gems"?

I only hope that my little tinkering with the blurb has been of some help to you. It sounds like you have some interesting little tales to tell.