please read my stories and comment

[kezzym]

i am a writer of erotic fiction and have uploaded 2 new books that can be read for free online that i would like feedback on any comments would be appreciated good or bad please comment on here as the comments on the site they are on doesnt show up for some reason thank you in advance

http://www.epubbud.com/book.php?g=QFRQ2JLN

http://www.epubbud.com/book.php?g=UK3932GW

[Elfwreck]

Originally Posted by kezzym

i am a writer of erotic fiction and have uploaded 2 new books that can be read for free online that i would like feedback on any comments would be appreciated good or bad please comment on here as the comments on the site they are on doesnt show up for some reason thank you in advance

http://www.epubbud.com/book.php?g=QFRQ2JLN

http://www.epubbud.com/book.php?g=UK3932GW

The punctuation is so atrocious the result is almost unreadable. They often have commas that should be semicolons, and there's no closing punctuation inside quotes. Not sure why there's no indent at the start of the paragraphs nor spaces between them, but that could be a browser function. (If it's part of the epub, then the structure makes the effectively unreadable.) Ending paragraphs on a comma to start a quote on the next line breaks the story up so badly I couldn't follow what was happening.

Sample for MR readers who don't want to click through:

I thought for a second I had copies of the pictures on my computer and it would be easy to make collages of them, it was like a huge weight had been lifted I smiled at him and threw my arms around his neck,

“Thank you”

I said now I couldn’t wait to get back and do the job. He went and made himself some breakfast then joined me again on the deck.

“I was wondering if you wanted to go out tonight, just the two of us?”

He asked a jolt of excitement shot through me despite having already slept together we hadn’t yet been on a proper date,

“What about you being spotted Sabrina said that could be an issue”

“It’s OK there is a country club that I am a member of they know me there so it will be safe”

My smile widened,

“I’d love to”

(Whaddaya know; copy-pasting puts spaces between the paragraphs. They don't show up on the other site.)

Advice: get an editor, or at least a beta reader, who knows how paragraphs are made. *THEN* look for people to critique the stories themselves.

Also, redo the cover for "Sex and Friendship" so the title is visible. Dark text on a dark picture is a bad idea.

[kezzym]

Thanks for advice i am a true novice at this the paragraphing and punctuation are fine in the original documents must be the site i have uploaded them to i don't know of any other sites that they can be uploaded to that will display in original format if you know of any could you please point me in the right direction it would be much appreciated and also any advice on where i would get an editor? thanks again x

[DarkScribe]

Format (what you refer to as "paragraphing") might change during the conversion to an eBook, but punctuation will not. Your punctuation - or lack of it - is appalling. Your sentence structure is not good, you have run-on sentences that constitute what should normally be paragraphs.

You are not ready to write, you need to learn the basics. You might be able to tell a story, but you are not capable of expressing it in writing. Perhaps a course in creative writing, or even some revision of high school English. Text books shouldn't be difficult to find. If you want to persist with writing at this low skill level, you will need to find a very good structural editor. Your writing needs a lot of work. I edit for a living and if one of your books somehow made it to my desk I would not read past the first page.

[kezzym]

as i have said i am a total novice i have been writing for years but i have only ever done it for fun and personal enjoyment just wanted to know what ppl thought about my stories really i welcome any type of comments but as i am totally new to this just a bit of advice would be nice but i understand what your saying so thanks anyway guess ill just stick to writing for fun

[DarkScribe]

Originally Posted by kezzym

as i have said i am a total novice i have been writing for years but i have only ever done it for fun and personal enjoyment just wanted to know what ppl thought about my stories really i welcome any type of comments but as i am totally new to this just a bit of advice would be nice but i understand what your saying so thanks anyway guess ill just stick to writing for fun

You have just reinforced what I said to you.

In this response you did not use any punctuation at all. You wrote seventy-seven words as one sentence. You did not use uppercase for "I". You wrote your, instead of you're. You missed a word in front of "just wanted to know..." You wrote "ill" instead of I'll.

You might be capable of success as a writer in the sense that two things are required, and you possibly have one of them. The two things are the ability to tell an interesting story, and the ability to express that story in a way that a reader will find easy to read and understand. You write in a manner that is not easy to understand, your writing intrudes into your story. It jars the reader, it breaks focus, it detracts from the thread of the story.

Some time spent in learning to write well might make all the difference.

[kezzym]

if i'm honest i have always had issue with things like punctuation and i am willing to learn i will take your advice and study some writing books thanks

[Mr. Dalliard]

I question whether the kind of person who reads "erotic fiction" is all that choosy anyway.

That said, if you want people to be bothered to read what you write, your prose should, at the very least, give the impression that you could be bothered to write it.

[Elfwreck]

Originally Posted by Mr. Dalliard

I question whether the kind of person who reads "erotic fiction" is all that choosy anyway.

I read a great deal of erotic fiction. I'm not alone in that, and we are just as picky about style and quality in this genre as readers of any other genre.

I don't read it if the grammar is incomprehensible, the punctuation is lacking, the storylines are tangled, there is *no* storyline (if I want plotless erotica, there are movie clips for that), or the plot is a clich�é that bores me (clichés I enjoy are fine, and I'm much more likely to read if the author can convey the fact that it's got those in the blurb).

Authors who can't describe sex creatively get a pass. Authors who describe sex as being gross or ugly or innately violent get a pass. Authors who think sex is a substitute for story get a pass.

Just as science fiction can be mostly "about" some new gadget or technological advance or alien race, but needs characters and a setting to convey that interest to the reader, erotic fiction can be "about" an act of sex--but the framework still has to be compelling. "Here there be sex" is not worth reading on its own.

That said, if you want people to be bothered to read what you write, your prose should, at the very least, give the impression that you could be bothered to write it.

This, I do agree with. If it's going to be read by strangers, rather than serving as "I find these images interesting so I wrote them down to think about later," it needs to follow the basic grammatical rules that apply to all other kinds of writing.

[Dr. Drib]

You have a correct and very positive attitude, kezzym, when it comes to listening to helpful criticism.

I agree completely with DarkScribe's comments, as 'painful' as they might be.

My advice is to take a year off from actual writing [re: projects] and concentrate on grammatical elements and how sentences are contructed. Then, revisit your writing. I feel you will be astounded by what you have learned.

Good luck.



Don

[kezzym]

thank you don appreciated x