Ebook Description: Feedback Wanted

[randyflycaster]

Here's a revised description of my long story. Any thoughts? Thanks, Randy Kadish.

When Amanda's mother deserts her to be with a new man, Amanda is hurt and betrayed. She loses faith in the world. To relieve her pain, she retreats into fly fishing, but soon she learns that her loving grandmother has terminal cancer.

Amanda struggles to find answers, and then one day, on the banks of the Junction River, she searches for her grandmother with Shana, her adopted dog, and Vernon, a grieving alcoholic. Together, they experience an unexpected, terrifying event. Will this event increase Amanda’s hurt, or will it help her come to terms?

[Worldwalker]

I find summaries with questions in them to be an instant turn-off. I can't pin down exactly why, but they are a deal breaker.

Also, why is she searching for her grandmother? Some more clarity there would really improve the description.

[James_Wilde]

Originally Posted by randyflycaster

Here's a revised description of my long story. Any thoughts? Thanks, Randy Kadish.

Hi Randy. Here are some things I'd be interested to know as a potential reader and/or be thinking hard about as a potential author:

Originally Posted by randyflycaster

When Amanda's mother deserts her to be with a new man, Amanda is hurt and betrayed. She loses faith in the world. To relieve her pain, she retreats into fly fishing, but soon she learns that her loving grandmother has terminal cancer.

Amanda's mother deserts her? Or leaves her with her grandmother? Does she explain that she needs to spend some time with her new man putting together a home that she can bring Amanda to later? Does she phone/write regularly? Does she promise that she'll be along to fetch Amanda "real soon now" and then make excuses? Does she visit and cause Amanda trauma when it's time to go back to the big city and her man, once again without Amanda?

Amanda retreats into fly-fishing. Why not fishing, and just preferring fly-fishing. It'll give you a slightly larger area to treat the reader to expertise that will draw in the fishermen who will nod wisely, and impress the non-fishermen. How does she get into fishing? Was it her father, who is now dead/disappeared (why?)/living somewhere else after splitting up with Amanda's mother? Was he a loving figure? Quiet? Someone she just sat quietly and watched and learned that way? Has his disappearance out of her life affected her positively or negatively? Or was it the grieving alcoholic, with whom she establishes a rapport based on both of them having things to grieve over? You've got a lot of room for a bit of humour here, if the GA teaches her. It takes time to learn to cast, and she can spend fuming hours patiently loosening her line from some bushes only to try a new cast and have them fasten in the bushes again.

Jesus, you really put Amanda through it! Why terminal cancer for crying out loud? Wouldn't it do with something less fatal but still serious so that she can swing from hope to despair a few times, and have a final tear-filled burst of joy when grandma is finally declared out of danger?

Originally Posted by randyflycaster

Amanda struggles to find answers, and then one day, on the banks of the Junction River, she searches for her grandmother with Shana, her adopted dog, and Vernon, a grieving alcoholic. Together, they experience an unexpected, terrifying event. Will this event increase Amanda’s hurt, or will it help her come to terms?

"Amanda struggles to find answers". You got that right! If all this doesn't turn her into an atheist, nothing will! "An unexpected, terrifying event". I don't think you need a UTE to increase Amanda's hurt. She's got enough on her plate without UTEs, but if you're determined, it would be a good idea to at least know the nature of the UTE - possibly via PM - so that one can form a better opinion of its relevance to the story. We need to know that to be able to comment on whether it will increase Amanda's hurt or help her come to terms. To terms with what?

Randy, you gave us what in the film branch is called a log-line, which is a very short teaser, a skeleton with very little meat. I think we would need a synopsis (possibly with spoiler) to give you a really good answer, but at least you've got, maybe, some ideas that you might like to incorporate into your story.

My first thought was that you have given us the material for a very short novel, but there are ways to fill it out and turn it into not exactly a feel-good book (it could be if grandma doesn't die) but one of those books about life at a less hectic pace than, say, New York or London or even Stockholm for that matter. A sort of fictional "A Year in Provence". These seem to be more popular, the more life increases its pace, perhaps because they provide people with a way to get away from it all without the annoyances of flies, mosquitos and stinging nettles.

Just another thought: does Amanda go to school? If so, how does she get on with her schoolmates? Does she have a special friend who comes home with her to grandma for cookies and milk? Please don't make her a mobbed student. There are enough stresses in being in school without adding to her sense of rejection. And with her background, she could turn into a misanthrope on less. Or is this set in the wilder parts of the Appalachians, where her only duties are chores after which she is free to chase butterflies, suck grass straws or go fly-fishing?

And we need to know a bit more about grandma. She's loving, but is she wise or ignorant, educative or not, over-protective or does she give Amanda room to make her own mistakes?

All this just my two cents, of course. Hope it gives you the kind of answer you were hoping for.

[queentess]

Originally Posted by randyflycaster

To relieve her pain, she retreats into fly fishing, but soon she learns that her loving grandmother has terminal cancer.

Does the fishing cause the cancer?

Originally Posted by Worldwalker

I find summaries with questions in them to be an instant turn-off. I can't pin down exactly why, but they are a deal breaker.

I also have a knee-jerk reaction to summaries with questions in them. I think it's because I hear it being read in The Movie Guy Voice, and it sounds cheesy.

[randyflycaster]

Thanks so much for your comments. What about this version?

When her mother deserts her to be with a new man, Amanda is hurt and betrayed. She loses faith in the world. To soothe her pain, she retreats into fly fishing, until she learns that her loving grandmother has terminal cancer.

Amanda struggles to find answers. Then one day she discovers that her grandmother, against a doctor’s orders, went fishing. Frightened, Amanda, along with Shana, her adopted dog, and Vernon, a grieving alcoholic, searches the banks of the Junction River—but marches into an unexpected, terrifying event that, in a surprising way, helps her come to terms.

[James_Wilde]

Originally Posted by randyflycaster

Thanks so much for your comments. What about this version?

When Amanda's mother deserts her to be with a new man, Amanda is hurt and betrayed. She loses faith in the world. To relieve her pain, she retreats into fly fishing, until she learns that her loving grandmother has terminal cancer.

Amanda struggles to find answers. Then one day she discovers that her grandmother, against her doctor’s orders, went fishing. Frightened, Amanda, along with Shana, her adopted dog, and Vernon, a grieving alcoholic, searches for her grandmother—but Amanda soon marches into an unexpected, terrifying event that, in a surprising way, helps her come to terms.

You're bullshitting us, right? You're winding us up to see how far we'll go before we cotton on. Joke's over, Randy. This is so like the original that I could repost my earlier post and it would do just as well.

[randyflycaster]

I guess you didn't read the second one.

[Mayzshon]

Originally Posted by randyflycaster

Thanks so much for your comments. What about this version?

When her mother deserts her to be with a new man, Amanda is hurt and betrayed. She loses faith in the world. To soothe her pain, she retreats into fly fishing, until she learns that her loving grandmother has terminal cancer.

Amanda struggles to find answers. Then one day she discovers that her grandmother, against a doctor’s orders, went fishing. Frightened, Amanda, along with Shana, her adopted dog, and Vernon, a grieving alcoholic, searches the banks of the Junction River—but marches into an unexpected, terrifying event that, in a surprising way, helps her come to terms.

I think you're getting there. I think this sentence "Then one day she discovers that her grandmother, against a doctor’s orders, went fishing", needs a bit more punch. Did grandmother get lost? Or is it that she has a secret fishing spot that Amanda doesn't know where it is?

[randyflycaster]

Mayzshon,

Thanks so much,

Randy

[DArenson]

In my opinion, you're putting quite a lot of information into only two paragraphs. A mother deserting her daughter. A grandma falling ill. A recovering alcoholic. An adopted dog. Fly fishing. An unexplained terrifying event. It's a bit much, in my humble opinion, for such a short description. I suggest choosing the one concept which is most important... and focusing only on that. If the story is mainly about fly fishing, I'd write a description that focuses more on fly fishing. Know what I mean? My $0.02.

[randyflycaster]

Folks,
Thanks so much for all your help. It meant a lot to me.
Randy

[Keryl Raist]

There are moments when you wonder, "Can life get any worse?" Amanda (insert name here) is. She's been abandoned by her parents (you don't mention dad, but I'm assuming he's out of the picture as well). Her grandmother, the rock of her life, has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and is now missing.

As Amanda searches for her grandmother (insert name of whatever it is they stumble upon), piles on top of the rest of her problems. Amanda struggles to find the strength to deal with yet another problem on top of all the rest. This uplifting story/heartbreaking tragedy (depending on how you end the story) chronicles one girl's journey through immense pain.

[randyflycaster]

Keryl,
Your point is well taken. Thanks for your help.
Randy

[Keryl Raist]

Originally Posted by randyflycaster

Keryl,
Your point is well taken. Thanks for your help.
Randy

You're welcome. I've got no idea if that even does a good job capturing your story, but the first two version seemed to include a lot of "stuff" that's not really important to the heart of the story.

Basically, what is the heart of your story? Is the fact that she uses fly fishing to cope somehow important to the greater scheme of things? (Would the story be markedly different if she was into photography or bird watching?) Is the fact that her adopted dog is along for the ride vital? If the answer is no, then we really don't need to see it in the description.

I did find the idea of the alcoholic traveling companion interesting. I saw that and wanted to know how she came in contact with him, and what his purpose in the story was. But I couldn't think of a quick and graceful way to write him into the blurb. And, if he and how they get together isn't vital to the story, he probably doesn't need to be in the blurb either.

Personally, I don't mind questions in the write up. I really don't mind them if you're intentionally doing some sort of retro thing with your writing.

Good luck with it! And please post your finished version.

[randyflycaster]

To me, writing descriptions of my books and stories are harder than writing anything else, especially because I have such a limited space, certainly not enough to answer all, or even most, of the questions about my story. In fact, I wouldn't want to anyway.

I've added the opening of my ebook to the description. The opening puts a positive spin on things.

Also, at the end of it all I'm adding: ... helps her learn to forgive and to see the good in the world.

Randy