Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Lycoming]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as
soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

[Bilbo1967]

Originally Posted by Matripe4

After Quasimodo's death, Bishop Thomas of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day.

Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

Bishop Thomas was incredulous. 'You have no arms.'

''No matter,' said the man, 'observe!' He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied, 'but his face rings a bell.'

So the Archbishop put out another ad for another bellringer. A day or two later another man showed up at the door. "I am Quasimodo's brother, and I feel it's incumbent on me to ring the bells in his place." Again he rushed too fast at the bells, and fell out of the tower and died. The crowd gathered again as the Archbishop rushed out. "Bishop, who was this man?" "He was a dead ringer for his brother."

[badgoodDeb]

Methinks they need a safety railing up there on that belltower .....

[Fbone]

Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get.

[Stitchawl]

Originally Posted by orlok

Take a look at the picture of two birds below. Study them closely and watch their habits.....

See if you can spot which of the two is female. It can be done. Even by one who is less experienced in bird-watching...

Spoiler:

Is it the red one?



Stitchawl

[Lycoming]

How the Internet Began

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of

Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name

of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and

long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel

so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade

without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle

bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums

in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and

they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale

can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony

Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her

way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an

immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the

top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent

neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were

saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers

knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS),

and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures

- Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the

greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic

Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and

the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real

riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother

William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only

with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being

taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of

Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a

name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they

named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic

Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's

drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became

known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

[PeterT]

Originally Posted by Fbone

Life is like a grammar lesson. You find the past perfect and the present tense.

Someone just reminded me that you also find the Future perfect!

[maianhvk]

[Fbone]

Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

[Fbone]

She dyes her hair so much, her driver's license has a color wheel.

[Lycoming]

[Fbone]

Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!

[Ajax]

One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"


The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

[Lycoming]

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well... last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

[orlok]

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.