Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 274

Lycoming · 11-12-2011, 02:56 PM

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked , 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.'
'Oh', Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

orlok · 11-12-2011, 05:09 PM

Reports are coming in of a new Irish virus. Watch out if you get an email like this:

'Hello dere, I'm a virus from Ireland

Please forward dis email to all the contacts in your personal address book, then delete all the files on your hard disk.

Dat's great, tanks very much.'

(I'm part Irish, so don't shoot me for that one...)

Bookpossum · 11-12-2011, 08:42 PM

MAKING A BABY

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."  

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to................."  

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

'  'Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
  
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!  "

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
  
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."  

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"  

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
  
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.  

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
  
"Don't I know it?" said Mrs. Smith quietly.  

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus," he said.  

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.  

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
  
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

" 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
  
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your ... uh ... equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod  and we can get to work right away."
  
"Tripod?"

'  'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

 Mrs. Smith fainted.  

yvanleterrible · 11-12-2011, 09:17 PM

Pffffffffff!

Fbone · 11-13-2011, 01:55 PM

Without geometry, life is pointless.

If love is blind, is lingerie considered Braille?

mirandu85 · 11-14-2011, 06:59 AM

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

Ajax · 11-14-2011, 07:53 AM

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house.

The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.

Ajax · 11-14-2011, 08:02 AM

Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer.
"I am!" Jesus shouted.
"No, I am!" the devil countered.
"I am!"
"I am!"
"Me!"
"No, me!"

"EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness. When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them. God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins."

Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark. When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank.

The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost. He came up empty-handed.

Jesus pressed one key and it all came back.

The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!"

Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."

Matripe4 · 11-14-2011, 01:32 PM

After Quasimodo's death, Bishop Thomas of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day.

Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

Bishop Thomas was incredulous. 'You have no arms.'

''No matter,' said the man, 'observe!' He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied, 'but his face rings a bell.'

Fbone · 11-14-2011, 02:38 PM

Life is like a grammar lesson. You find the past perfect and the present tense.

orlok · 11-14-2011, 03:02 PM

Journalists write the most irritating cookbooks, since they never reveal their sauces.

Bookpossum · 11-14-2011, 06:43 PM

HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

HOW MANY CATS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: "How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

Lycoming · 11-15-2011, 09:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ajax

Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer.
"I am!" Jesus shouted.
"No, I am!" the devil countered.
"I am!"
"I am!"
"Me!"
"No, me!"

"EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness. When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them. God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins."

Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark. When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank.

The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost. He came up empty-handed.

Jesus pressed one key and it all came back.

The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!"

Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."

Ahhhh, but the Mongol Hordes. (Ancient Grafitti)

orlok · 11-15-2011, 09:22 AM

Take a look at the picture of two birds below. Study them closely and watch their habits.....

See if you can spot which of the two is female. It can be done. Even by one who is less experienced in bird-watching...

Spoiler:

Fbone · 11-15-2011, 12:10 PM

News Flash!

Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.

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11-12-2011, 02:56 PM	#4096
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked , 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.' 'Oh', Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

11-12-2011, 05:09 PM	#4097
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Reports are coming in of a new Irish virus. Watch out if you get an email like this: 'Hello dere, I'm a virus from Ireland Please forward dis email to all the contacts in your personal address book, then delete all the files on your hard disk. Dat's great, tanks very much.' (I'm part Irish, so don't shoot me for that one...)

11-12-2011, 08:42 PM	#4098
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	MAKING A BABY The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."   Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to................."   "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." '  'Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"    "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!  " After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."   "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"   "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."    "My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.   "Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."    "Don't I know it?" said Mrs. Smith quietly.   The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.   "Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.   "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."    "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. " 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."    "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. "Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your ... uh ... equipment?" "It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod  and we can get to work right away."    "Tripod?" '  'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."  Mrs. Smith fainted.

11-12-2011, 09:17 PM	#4099
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	Pffffffffff!

11-13-2011, 01:55 PM	#4100
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Without geometry, life is pointless. If love is blind, is lingerie considered Braille?

11-14-2011, 06:59 AM	#4101
mirandu85 Addict Posts: 220 Karma: 175028 Join Date: Aug 2011 Device: noen	Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him. "You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?" "What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself. "I think you're bad luck."

11-14-2011, 07:53 AM	#4102
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.

11-14-2011, 08:02 AM	#4103
Ajax Addict Posts: 386 Karma: 17083352 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Texas Device: K4 Touch, Kindle Fire, HP Touchpad	Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better computer programmer. "I am!" Jesus shouted. "No, I am!" the devil countered. "I am!" "I am!" "Me!" "No, me!" "EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into darkness. When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in front of them. God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program in twenty minutes wins." Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there was a power failure, and everything went dark. When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank. The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost. He came up empty-handed. Jesus pressed one key and it all came back. The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!" Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."

11-14-2011, 01:32 PM	#4104
Matripe4 Member Posts: 17 Karma: 44300 Join Date: Nov 2011 Device: Nook	After Quasimodo's death, Bishop Thomas of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. Bishop Thomas was incredulous. 'You have no arms.' ''No matter,' said the man, 'observe!' He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?' 'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied, 'but his face rings a bell.'

11-14-2011, 02:38 PM	#4105
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Life is like a grammar lesson. You find the past perfect and the present tense.

11-14-2011, 03:02 PM	#4106
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Journalists write the most irritating cookbooks, since they never reveal their sauces.

11-14-2011, 06:43 PM	#4107
Bookpossum Snoozing in the sun Posts: 10,146 Karma: 115423645 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Melbourne, Australia Device: iPad Mini, Kobo Touch	HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? 1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? 2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. 3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! 4. Rottweiler: Make me. 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! 7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. 8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. 9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb! 10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. 11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb." 12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? 13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... 14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. HOW MANY CATS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: "How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?" ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

11-15-2011, 09:22 AM	#4109
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Take a look at the picture of two birds below. Study them closely and watch their habits..... See if you can spot which of the two is female. It can be done. Even by one who is less experienced in bird-watching... Spoiler:

11-15-2011, 12:10 PM	#4110
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,296 Karma: 101697116 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	News Flash! Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.