Blurb for a suspense novel -- AMERICAN BALLERINA - Page 2

gmw · 10-24-2015, 12:00 AM

The second version (post #11) sounds much more interesting to me ... but I still have complaints (some people are never happy

).

The first paragraph I find awkward (and the first sentence in particular). It seems to say interesting things but I think it could flow better.

I'm not really sure what to make of the second paragraph. In some respects it's sort of intriguing, in others I find it a bit off-putting (overly contrived or something), and I'm thinking it's either too much information or should be worded better.

The third paragraph could almost stand in for the blurb on its own. Okay, so maybe not quite, but close.

Cinisajoy · 10-24-2015, 12:11 AM

I think you have too many fantasies in the first paragraph.

Gregg Bell · 10-26-2015, 06:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rizla

My take on it. I've changed / reinterpreted stuff because I felt it needed the extra sounds in there. But overall very good. You have a good base there.
I like the existing title. I'm surprised it hasn't been used before. Sure, it's not obviously "suspense" but it's good.

Your version is growing on me. It ties the paragraphs together better. I'm liking it more and more. (Thanks!)

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10-24-2015, 12:00 AM	#16
gmw cacoethes scribendi Posts: 5,818 Karma: 137770742 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Australia Device: Kobo Aura One & H2Ov2, Sony PRS-650	The second version (post #11) sounds much more interesting to me ... but I still have complaints (some people are never happy ). The first paragraph I find awkward (and the first sentence in particular). It seems to say interesting things but I think it could flow better. I'm not really sure what to make of the second paragraph. In some respects it's sort of intriguing, in others I find it a bit off-putting (overly contrived or something), and I'm thinking it's either too much information or should be worded better. The third paragraph could almost stand in for the blurb on its own. Okay, so maybe not quite, but close.

10-24-2015, 12:11 AM	#17
Cinisajoy Just a Yellow Smiley. Posts: 19,161 Karma: 83862859 Join Date: Jul 2015 Location: Texas Device: K4, K5, fire, kobo, galaxy	I think you have too many fantasies in the first paragraph.

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