Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[yvanleterrible]

And what would keep them from using the vuvuzelas?

[Over]

[badgoodDeb]

Say what??

[A_J_Lath]

Had to laugh at the response I got from the tagline 'It's got an electric guitar in it that fires lasers', which has become something of a USP for my ebook. Some wag pointed out that it must require a phaser pedal!

(you'll probably only get it if you've ever played a guitar yourself...)

[Lycoming]

Tiger’s Wood Explained
This is what happened to Tiger but in terms that we can understand…

Two Woodpeckers

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely ‘impeckable’ (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called ‘impeckable’ tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you’re away from

home.

[Lycoming]

Bad Prognosis
At the conclusion of the physical exam, the doctor summoned his patient into his office with a very grave look on his face.

"I hate to be the one to break it to you, Fred," he said, "but I’m afraid you’ve only got about 6 months to live."

"Oh my God" gasped Fred, turning white. When the news had sunk in he said, "Listen Doc, you’ve known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"

"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.

Fred explained that he had been a bachelor his whole life.

"You might think about taking a wife," the doctor proposed. "After all you’ll need someone to look after you during the final illness."

"That’s a good point Doc," mused Fred. "And with only 6 months to live I better make the most of my time."

"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor.

When Fred nodded, he said, "Marry a Jewish girl."

"A Jewish girl? How come?" asked Fred.

"It’ll just make it seem much longer."

[SameOldStory]

Konrad was bragging to his boss one day, " You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Konrad how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Konrad and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Konrad! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Konrad's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Konrad that he thinks Konrad's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else, " Konrad says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Konrad says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Konrad on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Konrad, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Konrad, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Konrad.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Konrad and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Konrad says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Konrad emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Konrad returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Konrad asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Konrad?"

[WT Sharpe]

Not really a joke, but surely one of the great historical put-downs! The following is adapted and edited for this thread from a quote from T. S. Matthews' Great Tom (1973), which I found in The Oxford Dictionary of Modern Quotations (edited by Elizabeth Knowles):

The American actress Jean Harlow (1911 – 1937) once mispronounced the first name of British political hostess and wife of Herbert Asquith, Margot Asquith (1864-1945). As Margot explained to the actress,

....."The t is silent — as in Harlow."

[Bilbo1967]

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Not really a joke, but surely one of the great historical put-downs! The following is adapted and edited for this thread from a quote from T. S. Matthews' Great Tom (1973), which I found in The Oxford Dictionary of Modern Quotations edited by Elizabeth Knowles:

The American actress Jean Harlow (1911 – 1937) once mispronounced the first name of British political hostess and wife of Herbert Asquith, Margot Asquith (1864-1945). As Margot explained to the actress, "The t is silent — as in Harlow."

I think that my favourite historical put-down comes from an interchange between Lady Nancy Astor and Winston Churchill (two of the UK's most famous politicians) during an argument:

Lady Nancy Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea."
Churchill: "Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.”

[WT Sharpe]

Originally Posted by SameOldStory

Konrad was bragging to his boss one day, " You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."...

First I thought , then, "OMG! I know that Konrad fellow!"

Of course, where I work, he goes by a different name, but there's no one he hasn't met and nothing he hasn't done. Mention the Beatles, and he'll tell you something Paul McCartney shared with him during tea. If you tell him of flying in a friend's twin engine Cessna, he'll tell you of his days as a test pilot for NASA. If you tell him you hiked the Wonderland Trail at Mount Rainier, he'll tell you of his conquest of Everest. There's nothing you've done he hasn't outdone!

[poohbear_nc]

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

First I thought , then, "OMG! I know that Konrad fellow!"

Of course, where I work, he goes by a different name, but there's no one he hasn't met and nothing he hasn't done. Mention the Beatles, and he'll tell you something Paul McCartney shared with him during tea. If you tell him of flying in a friend's twin engine Cessna, he'll tell you of his days as a test pilot for NASA. If you tell him you hiked the Wonderland Trail at Mount Rainier, he'll tell you of his conquest of Everest. There's nothing you've done he hasn't outdone!

We had someone like that at work here too - I called it the "Mine is Bigger than Yours" syndrome! I used to make up names of non-existent software to mention, and sure enough she had tried it already and could tell me what was wrong with it!

[SameOldStory]

The Cajun

A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" "I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

[NormHart]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHSi_sPfICM&NR=1

[poohbear_nc]

Here ya go - way too funny - love these socks!

[yvanleterrible]

I laughed so much I missed half the jokes and had to wind it back lots a times.

...I had to wait for a cannibal to come out of the john because he was dumping his girlfriend...