Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 85

lene1949 · 06-07-2010, 03:22 AM

Church Bulletins
Here are some Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins.

• Don't let worry kill you -- Let the church help.

• Thursday night -- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.

• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

• Tuesday at 4:-00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

• Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

• The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water," One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.

• Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" -- come early and listen to our choir practice.

lene1949 · 06-07-2010, 03:29 AM

I also loved this one - I really hope I don't offend anyone with these...

Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring. She welcomed him into her Victorian parlor, and invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. It was filled with water, and floating on top - of all things - a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, Miss Bea had flipped or something. But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him. He could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."

lene1949 · 06-07-2010, 03:32 AM

More clippings from Church Bulletins:

• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

• Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

• Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

• "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

lene1949 · 06-07-2010, 03:46 AM

More clippings... There could be some repeats in this lot...

• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.

• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

• The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow.

• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.

• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

• Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

Format C: · 06-07-2010, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lene1949

Church Bulletins
Here are some Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins.

They're very funny, but not real.
I've heard them in Spanish and Italian, too....

LCF · 06-07-2010, 03:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by happy_terd

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

-----------
A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?' I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'...and I think this is where I went wrong...I said, I'd like a huge orange head.'"

SneakySnake · 06-08-2010, 02:16 AM

A mean blonde joke.... Maybe it should be a redhead joke!

Spoiler:

Delta Tango · 06-08-2010, 02:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SneakySnake

A mean blonde joke.... Maybe it should be a redhead joke!

Spoiler:

Reminds me of a local stupidity contest.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekmdB9F5h9c

It starts at approx 2:00
The right one is the one from the joke (starts at about 3:00), but she was stupid enough that the operator had to unplug the bull every 5 seconds

Sham probably no one here will understand what is being said. The idiocy they manage to produce is stunning.
Watch the clip though.

Over · 06-08-2010, 05:32 AM

DMcCunney · 06-08-2010, 03:11 PM

http://xkcd.com/750/
______
Dennis

kennyc · 06-08-2010, 03:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DMcCunney

http://xkcd.com/750/
______
Dennis

Jenna Anderson · 06-09-2010, 12:16 AM

Saw this one on Twitter:

"A penny for your thoughts seems a bit pricey."

WT Sharpe · 06-09-2010, 08:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenna Anderson

Saw this one on Twitter:

"A penny for your thoughts seems a bit pricey."

Consider it stolen!

gollu · 06-09-2010, 09:48 AM

Some atlterantive versions of the serenity prayer:

A_J_Lath · 06-09-2010, 10:44 AM

A joke in only four words:

'Venison's dear, isn't it?'

A joke in two:

Dwarf shortage.

06-08-2010, 02:16 AM	#1267
SneakySnake I'm watching you! Posts: 6,113 Karma: 22344652 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Sunny Coast Qld, OZ Device: Sony PRS-900(unused lately) iPadAir2, want me Kindle Oasis	A mean blonde joke.... Maybe it should be a redhead joke! Spoiler: A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks. The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

06-08-2010, 03:11 PM	#1270
DMcCunney New York Editor Posts: 6,384 Karma: 16540415 Join Date: Aug 2007 Device: PalmTX, Pocket eDGe, Alcatel Fierce 4, RCA Viking Pro 10, Nexus 7	Book burning http://xkcd.com/750/ ______ Dennis

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06-07-2010, 03:22 AM	#1261
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Church Bulletins Here are some Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins. • Don't let worry kill you -- Let the church help. • Thursday night -- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community. • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. • The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. • This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. • Tuesday at 4:-00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. • Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. • Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study. • This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. • The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water," One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in. • Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" -- come early and listen to our choir practice.

06-07-2010, 03:29 AM	#1262
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	I also loved this one - I really hope I don't offend anyone with these... Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring. She welcomed him into her Victorian parlor, and invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. It was filled with water, and floating on top - of all things - a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, Miss Bea had flipped or something. But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him. He could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl). "Oh yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know...I haven't had a cold all winter."

06-07-2010, 03:32 AM	#1263
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	More clippings from Church Bulletins: • Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. • Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." • Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. • Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. • "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

06-07-2010, 03:46 AM	#1264
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	More clippings... There could be some repeats in this lot... • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. • Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. • The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir. • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. • The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered. • Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. • The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow. • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. • Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door. • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. • Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. • The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

06-08-2010, 05:32 AM	#1269
Over Wizard Posts: 1,462 Karma: 6061516 Join Date: May 2008 Location: Cascais, Portugal Device: Kindle PW, Samsung Galaxy Note Pro 12.2", OnePlus 6

06-09-2010, 12:16 AM	#1272
Jenna Anderson Junior Member Posts: 8 Karma: 16000 Join Date: May 2010 Location: Upper Midwest Device: Kindle	Saw this one on Twitter: "A penny for your thoughts seems a bit pricey."

06-09-2010, 09:48 AM	#1274
gollu Unsullied Posts: 249 Karma: 759693 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Israel Device: Kindle 2i	Some atlterantive versions of the serenity prayer:

06-09-2010, 10:44 AM	#1275
A_J_Lath Zealot Posts: 134 Karma: 200000 Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: UK Device: Computer	A joke in only four words: 'Venison's dear, isn't it?' A joke in two: Dwarf shortage.