Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 84

happy_terd · 05-31-2010, 11:20 PM

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

------------
was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner)

Over · 06-02-2010, 06:42 AM

kennyc · 06-02-2010, 07:14 AM

That's not funny.

Lycoming · 06-02-2010, 11:54 AM

In the hospital the relatives

gathered in the waiting room,

where their family member

lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in

looking tired and sombre.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of

bad news,' he said as he surveyed

the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your

loved one at this time is a

brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure,

very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure,

but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..'

The family members sat silent

as they absorbed the news.

After a great length of time,

someone asked,

'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor
quickly responded,

'£5,000 for a male brain, and

£200 for a
female brain.'

The moment turned awkward.

Men in the room tried not to smile,

avoiding eye contact with the women,

but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone

wanted to ask,

'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish

innocence and explained to the

entire group,

'It's just standard pricing procedure.

We have to mark down the price of the female brains , because they've actually been used.'

beppe · 06-02-2010, 01:04 PM

pshrynk · 06-02-2010, 01:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poohbear_nc

May you accidentally use an edible avatar & enter my universe of endless gastronomic threats!
[Personally, I don't think there exists an avatar this depraved bunch of omnivores wouldn't threaten to grill/steam/roast/barbeque.]

Well, chewing on a flattened piece of iron might give some pause...

happy_terd · 06-02-2010, 08:26 PM

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
---------------

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."

---------

poohbear_nc · 06-02-2010, 08:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pshrynk

Well, chewing on a flattened piece of iron might give some pause...

Can I borrow your crowbar?

Hamlet53 · 06-04-2010, 10:16 PM

At a Catholic elementary school little Johnny is out on the playground during recess killing ants with a rock. Each time he brings the rock down on an ant he says, “Damn ants!”

Sister Mary observes this and annoyed with his behavior and language goes over and says, “Johnny stop that this second. All of God's creatures have a place in this world. I want you to just sit and reflect quietly until you can name three things in this world that serve no purpose.”

Near the end of recess sister Mary returns and is dismayed to find Johnny once more killing ants.

“Damn ants!” “Damn ants!”

Sister Mary, now visibly angry go overs to Johnny and says, “Did I not tell you to be still until you could think of three useless things in the world?”

Johnny replies, “I did Sister. A priest's dick, a nun's tits, and these damn ants!”

No good? How about a blond joke?

A young blonde woman is driving erratically and so a highway patrol officer, also a blonde, pulls her over. After approaching the car the officer requests that the driver provide her driver's license.

The driver, obviously quite inebriated, fumbles through her purse and produces several items—a brush, lipstick, perfume, several coins—casting a hopeful look at the officer each time and receiving a negative head shake each time.

Finally the officer offers, “It’s the rectangular item with your picture on it.”

The drunken young woman searches in her purse some more, produces a small makeup mirror, glances at it, and then handing it to the officer asks, “Is this it?”

The officer takes the mirror, glances at it, and handing it back to the woman says, “Yes, that’s it.”

Yeah, groan.

One more.

It's logging season here in the Wisconsin north woods. Got to keep the paper mills running or the local economy will really go to hell. So out at this logging camp tradition dictates that the newest member of the crew must, in addition to regular daytime duties, also cook the evening meal for the entire camp. He must continue to do this until someone makes a complaint about the meal, and at that point the critic must assume the cooking duties.

The most junior member does not want to start off on the wrong foot so he willing accedes to this rule. However, after three weeks of doing all the cooking with not a whisper of complaint he begins to grow weary of the task.

The next day he purposely burns the food badly, but though there are some scowls no one complains. The following evening he salts the food so heavily that it is hardly edible, but still no one complains.

Our forlorn cook is now desperate, so before the meal on the following day he takes a bucket out in the woods and fills it with moose sh_t. This he forms into patties and fries these up for dinner. Serving these to the crew he eagerly waits the reaction, and his spirit begins to fall as not a word is heard.

Finally one logger blurts out, “This tastes like moose sh_t! . . . But good moose sh_t”

So that’s all. Yes, I am a little inebriated myself or I wouldn’t be posting to this thread. One more thing—more jokes from rebarnmom.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rebarnmom

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

happy_terd · 06-05-2010, 11:57 PM

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."

----------

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isn’t 44 funny?" "Sure, it’s usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it…
------------

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)

Lycoming · 06-06-2010, 12:23 PM

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

rebarnmom · 06-06-2010, 12:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by happy_terd

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hamlet53

A young blonde woman is driving erratically and so a highway patrol officer, also a blonde, pulls her over. After approaching the car the officer requests that the driver provide her driver's license.

The driver, obviously quite inebriated, fumbles through her purse and produces several items—a brush, lipstick, perfume, several coins—casting a hopeful look at the officer each time and receiving a negative head shake each time.

Finally the officer offers, “It’s the rectangular item with your picture on it.”

The drunken young woman searches in her purse some more, produces a small makeup mirror, glances at it, and then handing it to the officer asks, “Is this it?”

The officer takes the mirror, glances at it, and handing it back to the woman says, “Yes, that’s it.”

happy_terd · 06-06-2010, 04:37 PM

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

-----------
A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?' I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'...and I think this is where I went wrong...I said, I'd like a huge orange head.'"

Poppa1956 · 06-06-2010, 04:42 PM

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

---- his father replied,

'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

lene1949 · 06-07-2010, 03:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Poppa1956

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

---- his father replied,

'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

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05-31-2010, 11:20 PM	#1246
happy_terd Banned Posts: 13,045 Karma: 10105011 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Finally made it to Walmart. Device: PRS 420	It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral." ------------ was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner)

06-02-2010, 06:42 AM	#1247
Over Wizard Posts: 1,462 Karma: 6061516 Join Date: May 2008 Location: Cascais, Portugal Device: Kindle PW, Samsung Galaxy Note Pro 12.2", OnePlus 6

06-02-2010, 07:14 AM	#1248
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,909 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	That's not funny.

06-02-2010, 11:54 AM	#1249
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..' The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?' The doctor quickly responded, '£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain.' The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?' The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains , because they've actually been used.'

06-02-2010, 01:04 PM	#1250
beppe Grand Sorcerer Posts: 5,161 Karma: 81026524 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Italy Device: Kindle3, Ipod4, IPad2

06-02-2010, 08:26 PM	#1252
happy_terd Banned Posts: 13,045 Karma: 10105011 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Finally made it to Walmart. Device: PRS 420	A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?" --------------- Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die." ---------

06-05-2010, 11:57 PM	#1255
happy_terd Banned Posts: 13,045 Karma: 10105011 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Finally made it to Walmart. Device: PRS 420	A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets." ---------- Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isn’t 44 funny?" "Sure, it’s usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it… ------------ If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)

06-06-2010, 12:23 PM	#1256
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...

06-06-2010, 04:37 PM	#1258
happy_terd Banned Posts: 13,045 Karma: 10105011 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Finally made it to Walmart. Device: PRS 420	A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs." ----------- A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?' I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'...and I think this is where I went wrong...I said, I'd like a huge orange head.'"

06-06-2010, 04:42 PM	#1259
Poppa1956 Evangelist Posts: 487 Karma: 344188 Join Date: May 2010 Location: Oregon, USA Device: Verizon Ellipsis Tablit w/Kindle and Nook apps.	A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.' The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.' ---- his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?