Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 78

lene1949 · 05-05-2010, 04:34 AM

Not a joke, but very useful...

This should be posted in every school.

Love him or hate him , he sure hits the nail on the head with this!
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings, created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure, in the real world.

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year, right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss !

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers or other menial tasks are not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for "burger flipping": they called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault , so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were? So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters/terms. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you "FIND YOURSELF". Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. I in real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds.................! Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you agree, pass it on.
If you don't agree stick your head in the sand and take a deep breath!

If you can read this - Thank a teacher! If you can read this in English thank a soldier!!!

lene1949 · 05-05-2010, 04:38 AM

This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the
Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
Whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
But one advertising agency did a good job of
Putting that figure into some perspective in
One of it's releases.

A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
Living in the Stone Age.

D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.
A billion dollars ago was only
13 hours and 12 minutes,
At the rate our government
Is spending it.

Building Permit Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Income Tax
Vat Tax
Unemployment Tax
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Petrol/Diesel Tax
Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
(tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Local Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
And our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
And Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?

I hope this goes around
Austalia
At least 100 times
What the hell happened?????

lene1949 · 05-05-2010, 04:48 AM

Don't you just love the oldies:

No one believes oldies . .. . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally ."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty- thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . .. "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

lene1949 · 05-05-2010, 04:51 AM

What have we learned in 2,064 years since the Roman Empire?

So here it is. What have we learned in 2,064 years?

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled,
public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be
tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should
be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to
work, instead of living on public assistance."
- Cicero - 55 BC
So, evidently nothing.

lene1949 · 05-05-2010, 04:55 AM

HAVE I GOT THIS RIGHT? :

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE AUSTRALIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:

A JOB,

A DRIVERS LICENSE,

MEDI CARD

WELFARE

CREDIT CARDS

SUBSIDISED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE

FREE EDUCATION

FREE HEALTH CARE

A RIGHT TO VOTE

MILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE

THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT.

........................ I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION...................

wodin · 05-05-2010, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lene1949

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Woolworths. The husband picks up a case of VB and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of VB and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

Uhhhhh, not being lucky enough to be an Aussie, and a teetotaler to boot; what's a VB?

montsnmags · 05-05-2010, 06:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wodin

Uhhhhh, not being lucky enough to be an Aussie, and a teetotaler to boot; what's a VB?

Victoria Bitter. Actually a more popular beer (Fosters is actually not much drunk), though where I am XXXX is probably moreso.

Local joke:

Q. Why do Queenslanders call it XXXX?
A. Because they can't spell "beer".

(Feel free to mock Aussie beer. My apathy is only, but relatedly, exceeded by my distaste for beer of any type other than ginger.

)

jinlo · 05-05-2010, 06:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by montsnmags

(Feel free to mock Aussie beer. My apathy is only, but relatedly, exceeded by my distaste for beer of any type other than ginger.

)

Q: What did the Aussie beer say when it crawled over the finish line?

A: I barley made it!

(Best I could do on short notice)

lene1949 · 05-05-2010, 08:20 PM

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

junkml · 05-05-2010, 08:34 PM

Backstabbers = 103%
Dumbasses = 103%

I think I'm beginning to see a pattern here.

SneakySnake · 05-05-2010, 08:39 PM

I think MobileRead is only 84%

lene1949 · 05-05-2010, 10:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by junkml

Backstabbers = 103%
Dumbasses = 103%

I think I'm beginning to see a pattern here.

lene1949 · 05-06-2010, 01:43 AM

Some more MATHS

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

"18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.'

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

ShortNCuddlyAm · 05-06-2010, 07:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SneakySnake

I think MobileRead is only 84%

Which means that skiving off and reading MR at work doesn't affect one's productivity all that much

Unless you are in the ass kissing group, of course

Lycoming · 05-06-2010, 03:16 PM

Being less than worldy about the aforementioned kissing of one's Burro, will this do?

05-05-2010, 04:38 AM	#1157
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	For Australians This is too true to be funny. The next time you hear a politician use the Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about Whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, But one advertising agency did a good job of Putting that figure into some perspective in One of it's releases. A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959. B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive. C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were Living in the Stone Age. D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet. E. A billion dollars ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes, At the rate our government Is spending it. Building Permit Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Income Tax Vat Tax Unemployment Tax Fishing License Tax Food License Tax Fuel Permit Tax Petrol/Diesel Tax Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax Inventory Tax (tax on top of tax) Liquor Tax Luxury Tax Marriage License Tax Property Tax Real Estate Tax Service charge taxes Social Security Tax Road Usage Tax Local Tax Vehicle License Registration Tax Vehicle Sales Tax Workers Compensation Tax STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY? Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago... And our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt... We had the largest middle class in the world... And Mum stayed home to raise the kids. What happened? I hope this goes around Austalia At least 100 times What the hell happened?????

05-05-2010, 04:51 AM	#1159
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Makes you wonder What have we learned in 2,064 years since the Roman Empire? So here it is. What have we learned in 2,064 years? "The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." - Cicero - 55 BC So, evidently nothing.

05-05-2010, 04:55 AM	#1160
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	The mind boggles HAVE I GOT THIS RIGHT? : IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR. IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY. IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT. IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE JAILED. IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN. IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT. IF YOU CROSS THE AUSTRALIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET: A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, MEDI CARD WELFARE CREDIT CARDS SUBSIDISED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE FREE EDUCATION FREE HEALTH CARE A RIGHT TO VOTE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT. ........................ I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION...................

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05-05-2010, 04:34 AM	#1156
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Not a joke, but very useful... This should be posted in every school. Love him or hate him , he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings, created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure, in the real world. Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it! Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year, right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss ! Rule 5 : Flipping burgers or other menial tasks are not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for "burger flipping": they called it opportunity. Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault , so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were? So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters/terms. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you "FIND YOURSELF". Do that on your own time. Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. I in real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds.................! Chances are you'll end up working for one. If you agree, pass it on. If you don't agree stick your head in the sand and take a deep breath! If you can read this - Thank a teacher! If you can read this in English thank a soldier!!!

05-05-2010, 04:48 AM	#1158
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Don't you just love the oldies: No one believes oldies . .. . everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally ." On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty- thousand dollars. Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning" Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . .. " The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

05-05-2010, 08:20 PM	#1164
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But , A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

05-05-2010, 08:34 PM	#1165
junkml Addict Posts: 277 Karma: 1004969 Join Date: Mar 2007 Device: Sony Reader	Backstabbers = 103% Dumbasses = 103% I think I'm beginning to see a pattern here.

05-05-2010, 08:39 PM	#1166
SneakySnake I'm watching you! Posts: 6,113 Karma: 22344652 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Sunny Coast Qld, OZ Device: Sony PRS-900(unused lately) iPadAir2, want me Kindle Oasis	I think MobileRead is only 84%

05-06-2010, 01:43 AM	#1168
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Some more MATHS A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table: 'To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.' When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: 'My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference: "18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.' Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

05-06-2010, 03:16 PM	#1170
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Being less than worldy about the aforementioned kissing of one's Burro, will this do?