Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 77

Lycoming · 05-04-2010, 03:22 AM

Over · 05-04-2010, 05:59 AM

ShortNCuddlyAm · 05-04-2010, 06:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Using ebooks is about saving paper right?

Memo to self, do not open attachments from YlT at work with a mouthful of tea!

wodin · 05-04-2010, 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by montsnmags

Their regular "Australia's to blame" in regards to any problem or negative event is an attempt to get us to take responsibility, though in their hearts they know that we merely take credit.

Cheers,
Marc (bringing the system down from underneath)

Well it IS, unless of course it's us ugly Americans' fault! Then,being Ugly Americans, we'll just blame the Aussies!

Elvira · 05-04-2010, 03:37 PM

This joke was in my in box this morning and gave me a chuckle:

A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Canadian, Eh!

pshrynk · 05-04-2010, 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elvira

This joke was in my in box this morning and gave me a chuckle:

A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Canadian, Eh!

Your mileage may vary. YleT is getting a lot less per gallon, these days...

yvanleterrible · 05-04-2010, 03:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pshrynk

Your mileage may vary. YleT is getting a lot less per gallon, these days...

Haven't had a drop for over two months.

Ever tried going on a binge with crutches? I tried it 6 years ago when I broke the other leg... not good for the nose...

kennyc · 05-04-2010, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elvira

This joke was in my in box this morning and gave me a chuckle:

A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Canadian, Eh!

HEE-HEE!

pshrynk · 05-04-2010, 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Haven't had a drop for over two months.

Ever tried going on a binge with crutches? I tried it 6 years ago when I broke the other leg... not good for the nose...

Blasphemy!

montsnmags · 05-04-2010, 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wodin

Well it IS, unless of course it's us ugly Americans' fault! Then,being Ugly Americans, we'll just blame the Aussies!

Just quietly, if it's heinous enough we blame the Kiwis.

SneakySnake · 05-04-2010, 08:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by montsnmags

Just quietly, if it's heinous enough we blame the Kiwis.

Shhhhhhhh I didn't know that was quiet

yvanleterrible · 05-04-2010, 08:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pshrynk

Blasphemy!

What, breaking my face?
I can assure you that many people find that an appealing idea.

lene1949 · 05-05-2010, 04:22 AM

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Woolworths. The husband picks up a case of VB and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of VB and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

lene1949 · 05-05-2010, 04:25 AM

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

________________________________________

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

________________________________________

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

________________________________________

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f....ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

________________________________________

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

________________________________________

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

________________________________________

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

________________________________________

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

________________________________________

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."

________________________________________

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

________________________________________

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

________________________________________

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

lene1949 · 05-05-2010, 04:26 AM

Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle recently;

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her for October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

MBNA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The
credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
MBNA:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her Being dead?'

MBNA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her grandson'
(Lawyer info given)

MBNA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I Can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing Her.
I don't think she will care.'

MBNA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'
MBNA:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Heaton Cemetary, Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne Plot 1049.'

MBNA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle rang.

05-04-2010, 03:37 PM	#1145
Elvira Enthusiast Posts: 38 Karma: 462 Join Date: Apr 2010 Device: Kindle	Joke- Canadian Style This joke was in my in box this morning and gave me a chuckle: A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Canadian, Eh!

05-05-2010, 04:22 AM	#1153
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	I haven't read the whole thread... Husband Down A husband and wife are shopping in their local Woolworths. The husband picks up a case of VB and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $30 for 24 cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of VB and it's half the price.' On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

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05-05-2010, 04:25 AM	#1154
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers ________________________________________ Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" ________________________________________ Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" ________________________________________ From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f....ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" ________________________________________ O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight." ________________________________________ A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." ________________________________________ A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." ________________________________________ A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!" ________________________________________ Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers." ________________________________________ One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." ________________________________________ The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land." ________________________________________ While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

05-05-2010, 04:26 AM	#1155
lene1949 Wizard Posts: 1,952 Karma: 213930 Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Middelfart, Denmark Device: Kindle paper white	Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle recently; Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today! A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her for October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00. A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank: Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.' MBNA: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.' MBNA: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.' Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?' MBNA: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to The credit bureau, maybe both!' Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' MBNA: 'Excuse me?' Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her Being dead?' MBNA: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.' MBNA: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?' MBNA: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?' Family Member: 'No, I'm her grandson' (Lawyer info given) MBNA: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?' Family Member: 'Sure.' ( fax number is given ) After they get the fax: MBNA: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I Can do to help.' Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing Her. I don't think she will care.' MBNA: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?' MBNA: 'That might help.' Family Member: ' Heaton Cemetary, Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne Plot 1049.' MBNA: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!' Family Member: 'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?' MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle rang.