Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 72

Lycoming · 04-17-2010, 04:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

Edited for clarity. She also looks a bit possessed in that photo (course maybe I do to, but can't tell

)

Oh no, don't go there....possessed. The situation is far worse than I thought.

yvanleterrible · 04-17-2010, 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

Edited for clarity. She also looks a bit possessed in that photo (course maybe I do to, but can't tell

)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Oh no, don't go there....possessed. The situation is far worse than I thought.

Orange Sunshine...

Dang volcano!

columbus · 04-20-2010, 09:28 AM

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive..

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW ............

Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

pilotbob · 04-21-2010, 08:04 PM

I've seen this put many different ways... but here goes:

[SIZE=+1]At an exhibition of the world's best swordsmen, the third place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he swiped at the fly and the fly dived to the ground having only one wing left. The crowd cheered.

Then the second place man swiped at the fly and again it fell to the ground. The swordsman had cut of both of its wings. The applause was tremendous

A hush fell in anticipation, as the world's greatest swordsman took his place on stage. His blade came down in a mighty arc, but the insect continued on it's way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile. "Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"
"Ah, replied the swordsman,"you weren't watching very carefully. The fly lives, yes, but no children will he have."

[/SIZE]

CyGuy · 04-22-2010, 10:50 AM

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

All Seniors Aren't Senile

DMcCunney · 04-22-2010, 02:57 PM

An old Irish guys walks into a bar. He steps up and raps on the counter to get the bartender's attention. "Barkeep! Three pints of Guinness, please!"

The bartender pulls his pints, he pays for them, drinks them down in succession and leaves. He's back the following afternoon at the same hour. "Barkeep! Three pints of Guinness, please!"

This goes on for a couple of months, and the bartender becomes curious about what is obviously a ritual. The next time the old chap comes in, the bartender says "What's yer name, laddie?" "Me name's Sean", says the old fellow. "Good to meet you, Sean! I'm Paddy.", says the bartender, extending his hand for a shake.

"Sean, lad, I'm curious." says Paddy. "Every day for months you've been coming into me bar at the same hour each day and having three pints of Guinness. What's going on, laddie?"

"Well, Paddy", says Sean, "When I was a young man, I had two close friends. Every day we'd step out to the local at this hour and hoist a pint together. They're gone now, the good Lord rest their souls. So I honors their memory by having their pints for them!"

"Ah, it's a good thing you do, Sean!" says Paddy.

A couple of more months pass, and Sean walks into the bar and raps on the counter. "Paddy! Two pints of Guinness, please!"

Paddy turns, wide eyed in shock. "Sean, lad!", he exclaims. "Every day for months you've come into me bar each day and had three pints of Guinness. Today you only want two! What happened, laddie?"

"Oh, Paddy", say Sean, "I quit drinking!"
______
Dennis

pshrynk · 04-22-2010, 02:59 PM

That's pretty much how my relatives approach the subject...

Lycoming · 04-22-2010, 03:16 PM

vivaldirules · 04-22-2010, 03:28 PM

Hey! That's my next door neighbour's house! :frown:

yvanleterrible · 04-22-2010, 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vivaldirules

Hey! That's my next door neighbour's house! :frown:

That sign is pointing towards Canada. We don't have guns. We don't need guns. Many of us don't lock our doors...

pshrynk · 04-22-2010, 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

That sign is pointing towards Canada. We don't have guns. We don't need guns. Many of us don't lock our doors...

Got any good stuff in your house?

yvanleterrible · 04-22-2010, 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pshrynk

Got any good stuff in your house?

Beeeer...!!!

pshrynk · 04-22-2010, 04:55 PM

So what you're saying is that I can just walk right into your house and open up a beer, then?

yvanleterrible · 04-22-2010, 05:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pshrynk

So what you're saying is that I can just walk right into your house and open up a beer, then?

You're welcome my friend! Just knock and come in, the fridge is right next to the door. I'll grab my crutches and join you...

poohbear_nc · 04-22-2010, 05:45 PM

Be sure to read the sign by the door: "Trespassers will be served beer and then thwacked with a crutch by a newly assimilated Chick'nBorg [only 1 leg so far - he's being assimilated on the law away plan]

04-22-2010, 02:57 PM	#1071
DMcCunney New York Editor Posts: 6,384 Karma: 16540415 Join Date: Aug 2007 Device: PalmTX, Pocket eDGe, Alcatel Fierce 4, RCA Viking Pro 10, Nexus 7	An old Irish guys walks into a bar. He steps up and raps on the counter to get the bartender's attention. "Barkeep! Three pints of Guinness, please!" The bartender pulls his pints, he pays for them, drinks them down in succession and leaves. He's back the following afternoon at the same hour. "Barkeep! Three pints of Guinness, please!" This goes on for a couple of months, and the bartender becomes curious about what is obviously a ritual. The next time the old chap comes in, the bartender says "What's yer name, laddie?" "Me name's Sean", says the old fellow. "Good to meet you, Sean! I'm Paddy.", says the bartender, extending his hand for a shake. "Sean, lad, I'm curious." says Paddy. "Every day for months you've been coming into me bar at the same hour each day and having three pints of Guinness. What's going on, laddie?" "Well, Paddy", says Sean, "When I was a young man, I had two close friends. Every day we'd step out to the local at this hour and hoist a pint together. They're gone now, the good Lord rest their souls. So I honors their memory by having their pints for them!" "Ah, it's a good thing you do, Sean!" says Paddy. A couple of more months pass, and Sean walks into the bar and raps on the counter. "Paddy! Two pints of Guinness, please!" Paddy turns, wide eyed in shock. "Sean, lad!", he exclaims. "Every day for months you've come into me bar each day and had three pints of Guinness. Today you only want two! What happened, laddie?" "Oh, Paddy", say Sean, "I quit drinking!" ______ Dennis Last edited by DMcCunney; 04-23-2010 at 01:20 PM.

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04-20-2010, 09:28 AM	#1068
columbus Wizard Posts: 999 Karma: 5487540 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: In my own imagination. Device: Sony Prs 650, 505	One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. Live simply and appreciate what you have. Give more. Expect less NOW ............ Enough of that crap . . . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

04-21-2010, 08:04 PM	#1069
pilotbob Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,832 Karma: 11844413 Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Tampa, FL USA Device: Kindle Touch	I've seen this put many different ways... but here goes: [SIZE=+1]At an exhibition of the world's best swordsmen, the third place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he swiped at the fly and the fly dived to the ground having only one wing left. The crowd cheered. Then the second place man swiped at the fly and again it fell to the ground. The swordsman had cut of both of its wings. The applause was tremendous A hush fell in anticipation, as the world's greatest swordsman took his place on stage. His blade came down in a mighty arc, but the insect continued on it's way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile. "Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!" "Ah, replied the swordsman,"you weren't watching very carefully. The fly lives, yes, but no children will he have." [/SIZE]

04-22-2010, 10:50 AM	#1070
CyGuy Avid Reader Posts: 769 Karma: 7777778 Join Date: Aug 2009 Device: PocketBook 902, Galaxy Tab 2 7.0, ASUS TF700, and Cybook Gen III	An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said. Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!' All Seniors Aren't Senile

04-22-2010, 02:59 PM	#1072
pshrynk Beepbeep n beebeep, yeah! Posts: 11,726 Karma: 8255450 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: La Crosse, Wisconsin, aka America's IceBox Device: iThingie, KmkII, I miss Zelda!	That's pretty much how my relatives approach the subject...

04-22-2010, 03:16 PM	#1073
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2

04-22-2010, 03:28 PM	#1074
vivaldirules When's Doughnut Day? Posts: 10,059 Karma: 13675475 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Houston, TX, US Device: Sony PRS-505, iPad	Hey! That's my next door neighbour's house! :frown:

04-22-2010, 04:55 PM	#1078
pshrynk Beepbeep n beebeep, yeah! Posts: 11,726 Karma: 8255450 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: La Crosse, Wisconsin, aka America's IceBox Device: iThingie, KmkII, I miss Zelda!	So what you're saying is that I can just walk right into your house and open up a beer, then?

04-22-2010, 05:45 PM	#1080
poohbear_nc Bah! Humbug! Posts: 63,592 Karma: 135239851 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Durham, NC Device: Every Kindle Ever Made & To Be Made!	Be sure to read the sign by the door: "Trespassers will be served beer and then thwacked with a crutch by a newly assimilated Chick'nBorg [only 1 leg so far - he's being assimilated on the law away plan]