Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 70

rebarnmom · 04-07-2010, 05:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) an ass hole

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned!

I think you can add this one to the list!

(_! half ass

(This is by no means a comment on the joke!)

nohmi2 · 04-07-2010, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

Code:

:) means a smile and 

:( is a frown. 

Sometimes these are represented by 

:-) 

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) an ass hole

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

You have just been e-mooned!

Loved it.

Made my day.

Cheers

pilotbob · 04-08-2010, 09:35 AM

A Letter To Jessie James
You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world
.
She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named " America 's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world

while you were porkin’ away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch.

~Tiger

WT Sharpe · 04-08-2010, 09:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

A Letter To Jessie James
You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world
.
She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named " America 's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world

while you were porkin’ away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch.

~Tiger

kennyc · 04-08-2010, 10:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Over

yvanleterrible · 04-08-2010, 01:19 PM

So he thinks he really knows how to Putin and where...

happy_terd · 04-08-2010, 01:34 PM

YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......

* You met him in prison.

* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.

* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

* He tells you that he's never told a lie.

* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

* A prison guard is shaving your head.

-------------
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

------------

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
----------

gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

“It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.”

The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers — we had $100 when we broke in!”

--------

Over · 04-09-2010, 08:56 AM

OMG! It's the iPad!!!!1111one

columbus · 04-11-2010, 10:08 AM

Loving Wife

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the home owner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'

Jaime_Astorga · 04-12-2010, 08:16 AM

Top 10 reasons to Date and Engineer

10. They are used to all nighters
9. They are always willing to experiment
8. They know how to increase and decrease friction
7. They know all about heat transfer
6. They do it with more torque
5. Engineering couples have better moments
4. They know how to deal with stress and strain
3. They know how to test their rigid cantilevers
2. "Lubrication, friction, and wear" is a class
1. They design and build large erections

DMcCunney · 04-12-2010, 01:09 PM

God is sitting up in up in Heaven, and He's pissed. Thousands of years and a great flood, and humanity still hasn't learned anything. He decides to destroy the world in two weeks. But before he does so, he tells the three most important men in the world. The ones he tells are Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates.

Obama calls an emergency joint session of Congress, and tells them "Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there is a God! He talked to me! The bad news is He's pissed and He's going to destroy the world in two weeks!"

Putin addresses an emergency meeting of the Russian Parliament, saying "Comrades! I have bad news, and I have worse news. The bad news is the Western imperialists were right. There is a God, and He talked to me! The worse news is He's pissed, and will destroy the world in two weeks!"

Bill Gates addresses a special meeting of Microsoft's Board of Directors, saying "Ladies and gentlemen, I have great news, and I have wonderful news! The great news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most important men in the world, and He talked to me! The wonderful news is that you don't have to fix any more bugs in Windows or Office!"
______
Dennis

WT Sharpe · 04-12-2010, 01:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DMcCunney

God is sitting up in up in Heaven, and He's pissed. Thousands of years and a great flood, and humanity still hasn't learned anything. He decides to destroy the world in two weeks. But before he does so, he tells the three most important men in the world. The ones he tells are Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates.

Obama calls an emergency joint session of Congress, and tells them "Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there is a God! He talked to me! The bad news is He's pissed and He's going to destroy the world in two weeks!"

Putin addresses an emergency meeting of the Russian Parliament, saying "Comrades! I have bad news, and I have worse news. The bad news is the Western imperialists were right. There is a God, and He talked to me! The worse news is He's pissed, and will destroy the world in two weeks!"

Bill Gates addresses a special meeting of Microsoft's Board of Directors, saying "Ladies and gentlemen, I have great news, and I have wonderful news! The great news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most important men in the world, and He talked to me! The wonderful news is that you don't have to fix any more bugs in Windows or Office!"
______
Dennis

Now that's funny! (And I bet all the Apple fanboys are rolling!

)

Format C: · 04-12-2010, 02:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DMcCunney

God is sitting up in up in Heaven, and He's pissed. Thousands of years and a great flood, and humanity still hasn't learned anything. He decides to destroy the world in two weeks. But before he does so, he tells the three most important men in the world. The ones he tells are Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates.

Obama calls an emergency joint session of Congress, and tells them "Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there is a God! He talked to me! The bad news is He's pissed and He's going to destroy the world in two weeks!"

Putin addresses an emergency meeting of the Russian Parliament, saying "Comrades! I have bad news, and I have worse news. The bad news is the Western imperialists were right. There is a God, and He talked to me! The worse news is He's pissed, and will destroy the world in two weeks!"

Bill Gates addresses a special meeting of Microsoft's Board of Directors, saying "Ladies and gentlemen, I have great news, and I have wonderful news! The great news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most important men in the world, and He talked to me! The wonderful news is that you don't have to fix any more bugs in Windows or Office!"
______
Dennis

Same scene, other people...

Berlusconi: The good news is that there is God... Bad news: it's not me. By the way, recession will be over in a couple of weeks.

G.W.Bush: Great news! God exists, and we can save money on bombs...

Osama Bin Laden: Great news! Allah talked to me, and He is one of us...

Steve Jobs: Good news! God exists, and in a couple of weeks there will be no wires anymore!

Nate the Great: the good news is that God esists and talked to me, the bad news is that I won't post an hands on review for the iPad....

Lycoming · 04-16-2010, 05:59 AM

Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. Number 10 is my favourite.

We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. Inline skates and a walker And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in Fashion for the 'Older folks'....
14. Thongs and Depends

Format C: · 04-16-2010, 06:28 AM

I'm sorry, but I don't get #14...
Is "Depends" a noun or a verb?

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04-08-2010, 09:35 AM	#1038
pilotbob Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,832 Karma: 11844413 Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Tampa, FL USA Device: Kindle Touch	A Letter To Jessie James You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock? [FONT=&quot] [/FONT] How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world . She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah. [FONT=&quot] [/FONT] Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named " America 's Sweetheart." You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin’ away. You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! How can you live with yourself! I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are: Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch. ~Tiger

04-08-2010, 01:19 PM	#1041
yvanleterrible Reborn Paper User Posts: 8,616 Karma: 15446734 Join Date: May 2006 Location: Que Nada Device: iPhone8, iPad Air	So he thinks he really knows how to Putin and where...

04-08-2010, 01:34 PM	#1042
happy_terd Banned Posts: 13,045 Karma: 10105011 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Finally made it to Walmart. Device: PRS 420	YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ...... * You met him in prison. * During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. * He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser. * When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. * He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." * He tells you that he's never told a lie. * He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger." * A prison guard is shaving your head. ------------- Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy. ------------ A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?" ---------- gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.” The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers — we had $100 when we broke in!” --------

04-09-2010, 08:56 AM	#1043
Over Wizard Posts: 1,462 Karma: 6061516 Join Date: May 2008 Location: Cascais, Portugal Device: Kindle PW, Samsung Galaxy Note Pro 12.2", OnePlus 6	OMG! It's the iPad!!!!1111one

04-11-2010, 10:08 AM	#1044
columbus Wizard Posts: 999 Karma: 5487540 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: In my own imagination. Device: Sony Prs 650, 505	Loving Wife A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the home owner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!' His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.'

04-12-2010, 08:16 AM	#1045
Jaime_Astorga Member Retired Posts: 274 Karma: 4446 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Florida Device: PRS-350-SC: Sony Reader Pocket Edition	Top 10 reasons to Date and Engineer 10. They are used to all nighters 9. They are always willing to experiment 8. They know how to increase and decrease friction 7. They know all about heat transfer 6. They do it with more torque 5. Engineering couples have better moments 4. They know how to deal with stress and strain 3. They know how to test their rigid cantilevers 2. "Lubrication, friction, and wear" is a class 1. They design and build large erections

04-12-2010, 01:09 PM	#1046
DMcCunney New York Editor Posts: 6,384 Karma: 16540415 Join Date: Aug 2007 Device: PalmTX, Pocket eDGe, Alcatel Fierce 4, RCA Viking Pro 10, Nexus 7	God is sitting up in up in Heaven, and He's pissed. Thousands of years and a great flood, and humanity still hasn't learned anything. He decides to destroy the world in two weeks. But before he does so, he tells the three most important men in the world. The ones he tells are Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin, and Bill Gates. Obama calls an emergency joint session of Congress, and tells them "Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there is a God! He talked to me! The bad news is He's pissed and He's going to destroy the world in two weeks!" Putin addresses an emergency meeting of the Russian Parliament, saying "Comrades! I have bad news, and I have worse news. The bad news is the Western imperialists were right. There is a God, and He talked to me! The worse news is He's pissed, and will destroy the world in two weeks!" Bill Gates addresses a special meeting of Microsoft's Board of Directors, saying "Ladies and gentlemen, I have great news, and I have wonderful news! The great news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most important men in the world, and He talked to me! The wonderful news is that you don't have to fix any more bugs in Windows or Office!" ______ Dennis

04-16-2010, 05:59 AM	#1049
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. Number 10 is my favourite. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedo's and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist 11. Bikinis and liver spots 12. Short shorts and varicose veins 13. Inline skates and a walker And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in Fashion for the 'Older folks'.... 14. Thongs and Depends

04-16-2010, 06:28 AM	#1050
Format C: Guru Posts: 753 Karma: 1496807 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: The Third World Device: iLiad + PRS-505 + Kindle 3	I'm sorry, but I don't get #14... Is "Depends" a noun or a verb?