Unutterably Silly Convenient Lies

[mvisconte]

Originally Posted by dsvick

My head hurts, I think I need mouth to mouth... Deb?!? ..... KK....?!?! Help a fellow crew-person out .....

WD(E), MAN DOWN! Can you do a quick snout-to-mouth for DS?

Whatever else happens, keep him conscious. He has his thumb on the red-button-pushy-thing, and I've seen those in movies... thumb comes off and everything goes boom.

Meanwhile,

We're kind of earth-bound for the time being.

I'll try to negotiate w/ the neanderthal farmer.

I'm a little concerned with the current status...
The lower vertical aileron is embedded quite soundly in the ground. The sound was something like -- "CRUNCH!".
The engines have gone from the reassuring "pockita-pockita-pockita-pockita" to an unnerving "pockiCHUNK-squeal-pocki-pocki-pocki-squeal-pock-pock-kerchunk-hiss...."
There's a greenish glow to the air -- I think we've ruptured a tank, and our only doctor is a bartender.
My martini hand is currently empty.

The lights are on, but no one's home. Everybody is outside alternately glaring at the giant (much more docile while looking into the darkness inside of a .50 rifle) and staring at the crumpled metal buried into the dirt. Oh wait, there is ONE person home... pshrynk is still polishing the bar, and not serving martinis.

Deb is terrorizing the giant. He is evidently not familiar with something so tiny being so ... vicious? Little does he know... She's using the down time for practice, she's learned to throw him pretty far -- an excerise which fills him with fear and dread, but he's afraid to do much other then close his eyes and stand stiffly, with a quiet whine escaping his mouth.

Dsvick wants to use a "controlled explosion" to free the vessel. The words "controlled" and "explosion" being used in the same phrase makes me wonder about his sanity.

[pshrynk]

Look. if you want me to take care of DS, then I'm going to need a whole lot more booze. For anesthesia... yeah that's the ticket! Anesthesia...

I think we'd better dial up Montsnmags Enterprises (Holding) Roadside, Shoreside, Oceanside, Aluminum Siding Assistance for that little ding on the front pointy part of the blimp thingie, by the way.

[Wetdogeared]

Originally Posted by mvisconte

WD(E) tilted his head to the left and calmly stated "that might not be as easy as you think."

Thanks for the *talking* part.

Originally Posted by mvisconte

WD(E), MAN DOWN! Can you do a quick snout-to-mouth for DS?

I didn't say I wanted a *listening* part.

Whatever else happens, keep him conscious. He has his thumb on the red-button-pushy-thing, and I've seen those in movies... thumb comes off and everything goes boom.

Oh, all right already! I do owe DS a lot of kissies for all that bacon.

Slobber slobber slobber...

"Isn't there a doctor on this ship?"

"Say what? Where's a dog going to get $300? [Reaches into pocket for poker winnings.]

[dsvick]

mmmmm

[eyes flickering open]

cough, sputter, hey! ... you're not Deb, or KK, or shortncuddly....

sputter, cough, spit.....

umm thanks though, but your standing on my chest...

ahhh, much better thanks. Now how do I get the bacon taste out of my mouth?

[mvisconte]

Originally Posted by dsvick

mmmmm

[eyes flickering open]

cough, sputter, hey! ... you're not Deb, or KK, or shortncuddly....

sputter, cough, spit.....

umm thanks though, but your standing on my chest...

ahhh, much better thanks. Now how do I get the bacon taste out of my mouth?

Yeah, I think we're going to have to lay in an additional supply of alcohol... I can see that people will be drinking tonight.

Oh, and Pshrynk, please-please-please... none of that bacon-flavored vodka. Bleah...

Now that I think of it, I do remember reading (Punjab) that the Flabbercasters can use high proof as an alternative fuel. I'd rather not use up our GOOD stuff to power this over-grown balloon, so maybe we have some alternatives here...

I'll have a word with our pugnacious friend... methinks he may have some spare 'shine (if he doesn't think we're revenuers!)

"I ain't no DOG!"

"As long as that pretty lady has that there BOOM_STICK pointed at you, you're whatever we say you are."

(sotto voce) "Dagnabit! Ain't playin' fair! Siccin' 'em ladies on me... It was only 3-er-4 ta one, an' I wouldn'a hurt anybody... "

Now that I think on it, we'll need some chewing gum, twine, the bottom of an old pop bottle, and -- aw heck, some good two-part epoxy would work just fine.

"Some two part whut?"

"Epoxy. Got any?"

"Dang, for a dandified-up, high-britches, city-slicker, you can't got no brains! ANYBODY can see thet E-pox-E ain't bin inVENTed yet! Sheesh. Di'n you listen to thet man whut was saying 'bout th' radio 'n' time travel 'n' crap? She-it, boy! You may's well try to find parts fer yer ol' Flabbercaster as find E-POX-E. You might try th' nex' u-nee-verse over! heh he he he he... I kill me!"

Well, SOMEBODY should. OK, we're back to chewin' gum-- Sorry, CHEWING Gum, twine, and pop bottles. And booze... lots and lots of booze. Does Montsnmags deliver across temporal dimensions?

[mvisconte]

What we're up ag'in...

What we need... (dang it, why can't I embed pictures when I want!? -- see attached picture)

[Wetdogeared]

Originally Posted by mvisconte

What we're up ag'in...

What we need... (dang it, why can't I embed pictures when I want!? -- see attached picture)

The bigger the better, right? Is this big enough? We'll need at least eleventy.

[Wetdogeared]

I was in a conundrum as to which thread to post this video to. It was a choice between the GraceKrispy is Crazy Poll, the Picture Battle, the What Are You Listening to Right Now? thread or here. Have they already made a move about us? I hope you didn't sign away the movie rights. I hope we have a different ending. Is that too many hopes? Is it hopeless? Am I hopeless?



Did they write out the dog?

[mvisconte]

Originally Posted by Wetdogeared

It was a choice between the GraceKrispy is Crazy .... Have they already made a move about us? I hope you didn't sign away the movie rights. I hope we have a different ending. Is that too many hopes? Is it hopeless? Am I hopeless?

Did they write out the dog?

1st, let me say, I'm sorry about Grace, if it is true.
2nd, We have signed away no rights, all wrongs. I've copied the rights, tho', and I have them on a 5 1/4" 180k floppy, ready to be pressed into action, should a lucrative deal somehow materialize.
3rd, Our ending is much better. That model is the prior future model. It didn't end well for them, but then, it was meant to be a terrestrial craft.
4th, I hate to break it to you like this, but Hollywood is terribly anti-dog. I know, they talk a good game, but behind the scenes -- cats. All cats. Filthy, hairball-kacking, mouse-breath, tongue-bathing, aloof, mercurial, selfish, salmon-eating cats. Gives me the creeps. Sure, they'll cover you if you're a cute canine, with a winsome smile and worthy ways... they'll front you bones, but they'll cut you out in the contract. If you're an abel canine, they'll go all Cain on your ass. As long are your movies are pulling, they're all sycophantic, smarmy, servants -- but when your numbers drop, it's Good Bye Charlie. They don't return your calls, you find out that the limo is only a "loaner", the mansion is rented, and the bimbos suddenly think you're dirt. You find that the fine print is all trap-doors through which any future residuals will disappear, and "past expenses" suddenly give them legal control over your bank accounts. It's not pretty.

In MY Hollywood, dogs NEVER die (except for evil, spirit-possessed ones, or zombie dogs, and the like). Stick with me, and you only get the heroic parts, never have to play a heavy, and will wind up with a starlette at least 47.3% of the time. Well, adjusting for inflation, 37% of the time.

And did I mention speaking parts? You'll have speaking parts in ALL productions... and I'm not talking the "What goes over a house?" "Roof!", "How does sand-paper feel?" "Rough!" junk. You might even get a monologue, or maybe even a soliloquy!

Oh, and your own bowl.

[mvisconte]

We left our friend out in field... all farmers are outstaning in their field(s). KK and Deb were alternately taunting and threatening him. AM was sitting cross-legged, gleefully watching, with a pound of dark, a quart of rye, and a rasher of sugar-cured.

DSVick had gone inside to check the ship's condition, and set things aright where awrong. Pshrync was deep into quality testing, and, judging from the noise permeating the hull, was on a musical bender having decided somehow that he could carry a tune in a bottle. Geoff had retreated to the kitchen, muttering imprecations against meat-eaters and farmers alike, although, that doesn't leave him with much to nom on.

I asked WD(E) to "walk with me a while"... we walked just outside of the pools of light from the loading lights.

I had a favor to ask, a dangerous mission to assign, and I needed just the right man, er, dog for the job.

"WD -- I can call you WD, can't I?"

"I'd rather you stick to--"

"Good. Now, as I was saying, WD, I have a mission. An important mission. A mission that only you can be trusted with."

"Why?"

"Well, we, uh, humans, we need sleep."

"As do dogs."

"I know, but you guys are like -- SUPER HUMAN! You guys have better hearing that we humans do. Better smell! Even smelling the way you do, you have a better sense of smell..."

"Yes, this begins to smell even as you speak..."

"See? You're already on it! Anyway, you're faster -- you've got four legs, you've got better eyesight --"

"Well, yes, but just in black and white."

"Even better, no colors to distract you. AND-- you can see in the DARK! That's like... magic, dude! It's like you're born with infrared 3-D super sonic olfactory detection powers! It's true!"

"I am not sure that's all cor-"

"Don't be modest. It's YOU dude! This part, er, mission was made with you in mind!"

"I just mean, well, for instance, the part about seeing in the dark... I think you want an owl or maybe a cat for som--"

"I can't believe it! You'd rather give this cherry position to a CAT!? I'm... I'm SPEACHLESS!"

(sotto voce) "I'd say you're doing alright."

"I mean, where would I even FIND a cat at this time. You know I don't like cats! They're... un-trust-worthy! Even if I could find one, it would be a COUNTRY CAT, not one of US. Maybe even HIS cat -- immediately un-trustworthy! Two-faced feline with destruction in her heart, for sure... do you think, for a second, that a cat would show the same loyalty as a dog? ANY dog? Do you think that a cat would have the same experience that a dog would? Dogs were MADE for guarding things! You know, the old "man's best friend" thing."

"Well, lately, mankind has given us reason to dou-"

"And dedication! Or attention! You know, the first bug that flies by, that cat would be all over it... forget about forgetting about guarding a prisoner, they'd be too busy watching AIR around them. And then, if it got TEDIOUS or anything, the cat would just leave, and we'd wake up with our throats cut and find the cat sleeping in the sun! Is THAT any way to run an investigation?"

"You didn't say anything about guar--"

"But that's ok. If you want, I'll see what I can do. I'm sure there's some kitten -- wet behind the ears kitten -- around here who'd be reasonably loyal for some milk and tuna. I know *I'D* be loyal for some tuna... and milk. -- but anyway- I'll find some stranger kitten, she'll probably have faster reflexes anyway. And, even tho' she's just a kitten, she'll have that invincible bravery that comes with youth and inexperience. You just go on to bed and sleep for a while... if we're all still here in the morning, then we'll set up a regular guard duty. And if we're not, we'll just deal with it. I will sure miss you, ol' boy! Listen, if I happen to be dead in the morning, could you go through my things? I've got a letter to send to my sainted mother, if anything should happen to me, ok?"

"Well, I've already gone through yo-- NOW WAIT A MINUTE! Nothing's going to happen, it'll be alright, an--"

"I guess you're right. I'll find some weak little kitten that we can't depend upon, but who has better night vision, and that killer instinct -- cat-and-mouse, mind games, that kind of stuff. Don't feel bad about being too old or too slow or hard of hearing... don't let you're inability of focus on anything for longer than tw--- hey! Look! Geese! I mean, don't think about letting us down, your crew-mates, or failing us in our time of need. Don't worry abo--"

"ALRIGHT ALREADY! I'll DO IT! Sheesh. Where are you gonna get a cat, this time of night!? I don't know what's wrong with you! Thinking that some stupid cat would be able to see better than I, in the dark! I'm a natural for this job, and you know it! Guarding a prisoner. My word! You'd put all of our hides at risk by hiring a CAT!? I don't know what you'd do without me, really! I have to watch over you every second... you'd have some stranger in amongst our weapons systems -- for all we know, those manuals are written in Catatonia or one of the feline languages... it would be like giving a robber the keys to the castle! No, I won't hear another word of it. I'm taking first watch, and someone can spell me in the morning! That's all there is. APP! No more. I'll watch our prisoner. You just march him over, and I'll keep an eye on-- no, BOTH eyes... I'll sleep with both eyes open, keeping one eye on him and one on the rest of camp. That's just how it will be! I--"


I left him there, muttering to himself about how stupid it would be to get an outsider to watch over our health. I walked back to the ship, to tell our prisoner the good news.



"WAIT," he called out to me, "Did you say I'd get a soliloquy TONIGHT!?"

"Or a monologue. Whichever. Just do it quietly enough that I can sleep!" I love psychology.

[mvisconte]

I walked over with our prisoner -- I'll have to remember to ask him what his name is... if he even has one.

I deposited him at the many feet of WD(E) and explained things to him...

"Listen, this is our highly trained, highly qualified, highly agitated, and quiet hungry sentinal. He likes rare meat, and he's not particular as to where it comes from. You stay on his good side, and you'll probably last the night. Stray over to his bad side, and he'll show you his dark side. Oh, and we'll bury what ever is left, ok?"

It looked at me with fear and cunning. Two bad characteristics to be pointed against you when guarding prisoners. To impress him, I figured I'd show him just how smart and capacle WD(E) was.

WD(E) was glaring at him, meaningfully, and licking his lips. I figured I'd start things off simple.

"WD!"

"WD turned his furry face toward me, while keeping his eagle-eyes trained on the prisoner. He also trained him dog eyes on him.

"Buddy, this dog is HOT! He can out do you with math, logic, home economica, poli-sci, and probably PE. Dig THIS!"

"WD, what was your father's name. "

"Ralph"

"What?"

"Ralph. RALPH!"

"And your mother;s name?"

"Ruth."

"hunh? I can't hear you."

"RUTH! RUTH-RUTH!"

"And your favority baseball player?"

"Joe Dimaggio."

I rest my case.

[zelda_pinwheel]

"What goes over a house?" "Roof!"

that's one of my favourite jokes. it's up there with "what's the difference between a duck ?"

my dad shouts it out to strange dogs from the car, when driving past.

[poohbear_nc]

Originally Posted by zelda_pinwheel

"What goes over a house?" "Roof!"

that's one of my favourite jokes. it's up there with "what's the difference between a duck ?"

my dad shouts it out to strange dogs from the car, when driving past.

THOUAQUE!!

[ShortNCuddlyAm]

If anyone wants me, I'm expunging all green items of clothing from my wardrobe. Leprechaun indeed. :grumbles: I'll give 'im sodding leprechaun.

[badgoodDeb]

Deb gives AM a quick hug, and offers to loan her some black leather ... studded ... with cut outs in interesting places. I have some left over from my last Bad Guy (Gal) that I tangled with. see http://www.asherasarchive.com/callistobaddayALT.jpg for outfit sample.