Unutterably Silly Convenient Lies

[poohbear_nc]

And, co-incidentally, sorry about the chicken in the high-tension power lines... we can send you a largish vat of wing sauce, and our earliest convenience.

Persistence is beautiful! Errrr.... Consistence is utility! Errr... Damn - I was getting a charge out of those power lines and then some idiot poured sauce all over me - shorting out my thought circus - Wait! I see dancing lights!
"The thing's hollow—it goes on forever—and—oh my God—it's full of stars!"
I see Elvis ... and Janis ... and Buddy ... and ...

GeoffC -- stop ladling that sauce over me! I'm not in your food pyramid!

[GeoffC]

okay, I'll stop ladling over the sauce if you stop basting the chicken legs ....

[mvisconte]

IMPACT!!!


Darkness.


Pretty much... but some sparks. A little bit of acrid smoke. Soft whimpering from the captains chair. Then some flashy lights and a disembodied robotic female voice intoning "Brace for impact." Very calmly. "Brace for impact." Repeatedly. "Brace for impact." Then, an electronic hick-up -- or burp, I am not sure which -- followed by an equally calm "An impact has occurred. An impact has occurred. An impact has ..."

The sobbing from the captains chair resolved into a sigh.

I stepped from the pool of darkness into a puddle of light... wiped my nose, and immediately lept into action. "Can someone check th-"

"LIGHTS", said KK, "On it."

"Good. I need someone to patrol ou-"

"Outside, got it!" Deb was on her way. She snatched up a sleeping WD(E) from his perch above the bar. I don't think he was knocked up or out, so he must have stopped for a nap and forgot to start again. It's always good to have backup who's senses are 20 to 20,000 times better than yours. Which is why I employed Deb as my, er, body-guard.

"DS, can I get you to..."

"I'm on my way... I'll see what we hit and how bad it is."

Great. I only had a couple items and then I could rest. And wait.

"Geoff, can I--"

"Sandwedge, coming up. Tuna, pickles. Want Miracle Whip on that?"

Of course. And, "Pshrynk, can I get a--"

"No. Not until you pay for the last round."

I tossed him a package of toothpicks. "Keep the change." I received, in turn, particularly potent martini -- in a clean glass.

"Sir, you might want to see this..." DSVick, on external monitors.

I hadn't even gotten my sandwich yet... I gulped my drink and headed down the steep incline towards the aft loading dock. A captain's work is never done.




It was pitch black outside, as I clambered out of the aft access port. Normally below the rear ailerons, the extreme angle of our impact put me a good 10-15 feet above the lower lobe of the tail. I braced myself and dropped to the ground. I landed on something reasonably soft, and bushy. "Hell getting back up," I thought. I could see DSVick some distance away, back-lit by one of our battery torches, his features limned in yellows and grays and ghostly reflections from metal and plant silhouettes. I had evidently landed on some kind of crop soft enough to break my fall without breaking my neck. Lucky again.

As I carefully felt my way through the plants, I noticed the change in air temperature. Cool and damp, with an earthy smell. As I approached the impact site, I started to call out to DS when an eerie shape materialized beside him.

"Hey you."

DS spin about, and threw a wild punch. I would have done the same. And my results would probably been even less effective. I heard him grunt and a solid thud as DS connected. Then, in the darkness, I saw his silhouette rise up with a jerk.

"You're a might bit on the delicate side, ain't yuh? Well, don't worry none, you din do no harm. Now, what you doin' out here in my patch. You ain't a revinoor, are ye?"

The shadow grabbed DS by the scruff of the neck and shook him, lifting him off the ground in the process. "What chu doin' in my garden, 'n what'n hell is this thing doing here?"






Now, DSVick is about 6' tall. If he's "a might bit on the delicate side", then I'm "a might bit non-existent," but, as usual, view changes with vantage point. I could very well exist, but if I wanted to maintain that status, I thought I'd better be a bit cautious.

"Hi there! How are you doing? Nice field you have here... filled with nice... whate-... what are you growing here?"

Whatever it was spun around at the sound of my voice. Just then, the moon drifted out from behind the clouds, and shed a cold light on the situation. There, in the midst of I don't know how many acres of ... stuff, was a large dirigible stuck tail first into the ground, like it had been planted there. In pieces all around the smashed aileron, were largish, mechanical chickens, some lying on their sides, some pecking at the ground, some swaying slightly to-and-fro with their eyes closed. A huge shadow stood in front of me, and depending from a dark limb, hung DS.

It moved again in the moon light, and I got a better look at what we'd encountered. "Holy -- " I said, to no one in particular, "Call the zoo... I think I found some of their escaped DNA."

The thing cuffed DS upside the head and dropped him into an untidy heap. It looked back at me and grinned and took one small step for a man and one giant step for mutant-kind, rapidly closing the distance between us.

"Heh heh, " it laughed, "Now I caught me TWO'm!" and it jumped towards me again.

Right about then, an un-Godly wailing pierced the air... "KI YI YI Yi Yi Yi YI!!!!!" -- startling me as well as the unfriendly giant, as a black-clad figure -- darker than the shadows around us, detached itself from the gloom and launched itself towards the giant's head.

[GeoffC]

......

well does anyone want these sandwiches - or not !!!!


......

[dsvick]

I'm feeling a bit heapish, in an untidy sort of way, right now. Could you put mine in the fridge for a bit. Oh and sending KK and Deb out might be a good idea, and maybe even poohbear (I'm sensing chicken theme here).

[GeoffC]

BANG !

[Wetdogeared]

Originally Posted by GeoffC

......

well does anyone want these sandwiches - or not !!!!


......

No thanks, I like real mayo.

[poohbear_nc]

Originally Posted by dsvick

I'm feeling a bit heapish, in an untidy sort of way, right now. Could you put mine in the fridge for a bit. Oh and sending KK and Deb out might be a good idea, and maybe even poohbear (I'm sensing chicken theme here).

And I'm what? Chicken salad? On white with mayo?
There seems to be a mutant screaming skwirrel scattering my chickenBorg drones. And you want help?

[What form will the giant mutant form turn out to be? Avian?]
[MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH]

[GeoffC]

mutter mutter,

throw wasted dried sarnies to the pigs....

picks up sword, gatling, grenades, hot-dogs





- right - what's to be done outside yer 'onour!!!

[pshrynk]

Oh, look! The bar needs polishing!

[ShortNCuddlyAm]

Oh goody - a fight!

[mvisconte]

When I saw it shake DS by the scruff of the neck, I bristled. I thought, "distraction, confusion, misdirection..." -- and I called out in a conversational tone, hoping to catch him off guard, give DS a chance to regroup...

When I saw it cuff DS upside the head, and DS' body go limp, I didn't think anything else... I tensed, and clenched my fists, and prepared to launch myself.

I've done stupid things before. I've done rash things before. I've done things that, in retrospect, should have been examined more closely before I started the endeavor. But sometimes, I don't have time to think about how stupid something might be, in retrospect.

Here I was in the dark, with something that looked human but was scaled out of proportion... It had lifted a pretty hefty guy up, one-handed, and pretty much shook him like a toy rattle. I had no light, no BOOM-STICK, no weapon, no nothin', and I was getting ready to jump it with my bear fists.

It looked at me and grinned, and started towards me, howling, with happy malice in mind -- and I was going to punch him/it in the nose. See? Thinking and planning is MUCH better than doing -- at least when the doing would involved getting smashed to a pulp.

I imagined a little, female, robotic voice in the back of my head, stating "Brace for impact."



And then, demons started shrieking in my ears. I heard a "KI YI YI YI YI YI YI!!!" from behind me on my left. Fearing that I was beset by tall, rabid chihuahuas, I spun left, trying to keep one eye on the giant. I heard a growl behind me to my RIGHT now. This was NOT going to be a good night.

As I tried to get my back to everything around me, I saw one inky piece of darkness detach itself from another and go flying past me towards the giant. A black, leather-clad, sandal-bound, mini-skirt-wearing, black-haired, metal-cuirassed figure. Screaming. Loudly. Flying past me. Looked kind of like Lucy Lawless, but I didn't book her for our series, so that was probably out.

I turned back towards tall, dark, and misshapen, and saw the two inky-figures collide and collapse into a heap.

The ship's running lights flickered into existence, followed by bright, white loading and cargo lights. Whatever we had, it was bigger than I thought, and had a familiar looking female figured standing atop it. DEB! Always happy to see her, I was doubly happy. At least I'd have witnesses.

It stood up with little effort, tumbling Deb to the ground. The thing shook itself like a dog after a nap and looked down at Deb. "YOU'RE A LADY! You hit pretty hard, for a lady!"

"Maybe, yes, but not to you, " as she climbed to her feet again.

I think she felt the impact more than the giant. He turned to face her and backed away warily. He had his back to me, and I wondered if it was worth trying to clobber him... my luck had been pretty strong -- I hadn't even broken a sweat, and already he'd been punched, and beaten to the ground. As if he'd ready my thoughts, he turned to me and smiled, saying "if you hit me, and I find out about it, I'm gonna be plenty mad. In fact, I might just roll you up into a little ball."

I noticed a dog sitting between the giant and DSVick... watching, patiently, his head tilted a little to the right.

The thing looked from me, to the dog, and beyond to Vick, saying "Looks like I get a chance to work out a little tonight... 'm gonna get to beat up three of you."

WD(E) tilted his head to the left and calmly stated "that might not be as easy as you think."

The giants eyes grew round, and he looked back to me. "Your dog... talks!"

"He's not my dog, he's a free-agent. Good poker player too. He gave up human flesh for lent. If I were you, I'd not tempt him."

"Heh. I don't care, I'll take him and you at the same time."

From up on the side of the fuselage came a cry "OY! Yer not thinkin' of leavin' ME out, are ye?" A man in cook's garb stood on the inclined surface of the dirigible, with a spatula the size of a shovel in his hand.

"Damn, this gon' be FUN!" said the giant gleefully. "I'm gon' gets to kill me someon' 'fore the night's over!"

"You like to count your chickens before they're hatched, don't you?" KK was standing near me, with a small cannon pointed at the giant.

"KK!" I nodded at her, "Good to see you... the more the merrier."

"Lights are back on."

"I see that."

The giant looked from me to KK, then interrupted "You know, it ain't fair, you havin' TWO wimmen. And it ain't fair she's got a rifle! I ain't got MAH rifle, I'm a honerable fighter." As an after-thought (if at all), he added "Them ain't mah chickens, they don't look right."

"You can always try to take the gun away from her, 'though I would advise against it. While you're still all in one piece, let me set the record straight... they aren't MY women. They are also free=agents, and they don't really belong to me." I smiled at the last, hoping to break the tension before someone got his neck broke. KK and Deb were snickering, so I figured he was safe for the time being.

"Hey! Don't forget about me!" Am was at the rear cargo hatch, chocolate in one hand and whiskey in her other.

"You got lepercans, too!"

"Again, not "mine", just on loan."

"I'm a guard, you know, and I'm not a leprechaun, I'm just short. And cuddly."

He could have carried her around under his arm and not been terribly inconvenienced, I'm sure.

"Still, I take all three you on."

"Three? How do you figure?"

"Well, I cain't fight no wimmen! What ya think I am!?"

"We don't mind fighting YOU... and I promise not to shoot you much. With 50 calibre, you don't have to shoot much."

He didn't look very happy with the prospect... "I cain't fight no wimmen. If y'all ain't guine fight fair, I ain't fightin'!"


"Just out of curiosity, why not?"

"Wimmen scare me. Especially that one what yelled."

[mvisconte]

DS climbed to his feet, rubbing his head. "Ow. Did I miss anything?"

[poohbear_nc]

"Them ain't mah chickens, they don't look right."

Don't take your eyes off the chickens! Ever!

[dsvick]

My head hurts, I think I need mouth to mouth... Deb?!? ..... KK....?!?! Help a fellow crew-person out .....