Silliness Convenient Lies - Page 13

pshrynk · 03-24-2010, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mvisconte

Polka? Sounds more like clothing-optional TWISTER to me!

And let me remind all passengers, NO FOOD IN THE JACCUZZI! Do you know how disgusting cleaning out that filter is? (I didn't say no eating, just no food -- [ I didn't really say that... Yes I did. I'm a baaaaad boy.])

Anyway... Disgusting. From the Latin, to cause the loss of appetite. Hair, grease, soggy pizza crufts, and what I can only guess is part of a thong. Seriously, eww.

I gotta get on the ball here, or we'll be drifting for a looong time. We'll NEVER make it to S America, much less to Bali (Hi!!) for...

[Que Ted Nugent music, "Cat Scratch Fever"]

"Cat Crap Coffee!!!"

We'll go and find a nice luwak and have some kopi!

i've developed a fail-safe, fool-proof, easy-peasy, can't-fail get-rich(er)-quick sche-er, PLAN. After our impending gold-strike, we will take our proceeds, and proceed to Bali, where we will kidnap a civit farm and make a crap-load of coffee! We will then dehydrate said coffee and sell it instantly to all of the impatient rich people who can't wait for a pot(ty) of crappy coffee -- they want instant, microwave coffee badgoodness. Deb can help with the marketing. Instant Kopi Luwak!

We'll sell it on late-night QwiVeeCee to asthmatic insomniacs with the promise that "it contains the strongest Placebo allowed by LAW! It's SO strong, in fact, it will grow HAIR on a Billiard Ball!" We'll also kidnap a shipment of CiaBalls. I don't know why people want hairy balls, but we'll have a supply. As long as nobody tries to put the Kopi on their noggin, we should be safe from Interpol. Heck, even if they do, we can claim that we only claimed it would grow hair on Billiards, not noggins. Plus, unless they fermented their scalps in the uWave, the promise won't hold water. If they DO microwave the coffee shampoo, then they won't be in any condition to sue, so we'll be safe there, too! Shampoo... heck, we'll have the REAL poo!

I can see all the greenbacks rolling in now. Maybe on a ferris wheel.

Sha-WEET!

Just don't stand where the comet is expected to strike oil.

happy_terd · 03-24-2010, 03:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pshrynk

Just don't stand where the comet is expected to strike oil.

And now a dilbert reference.

Funny papers day at MobileRead.

mvisconte · 03-24-2010, 10:17 PM

It's been murder for a while... extra long days in RW (Real World, no trademark possible), trying to lead a secret, Super's life, fighting a cold or something much like an alien trying to get out without the benefit of the gastric bypass, then all that free association -- aren't cold meds the best!?

OK, so you know about the mechanical hippo... It was a guess to get out of actually CARRYING anything. I have to do stuffs in the RW, I don't want to break a sweat in here, too.

So, let's say we cop of couple of ton o' peanuts, now mashed beyond repair, and repair to our dirigible. "What?" you say, "the last WE knew, we were floating at SEA!" A clever observation. Keep it up, my lad, and you'll go far. Probably in a penal institution.

Aside from the minor unpleasantness of briefly touching down at sea, and having that pod o' whales mistake us for a drugged out hippy whale chick (embarrassing.. imagine the side forming Tie-dye, and the squeaks and groans from the over worked flabbercasters sounding quite like a whale in heat). Luckily, the ol' bump and grind propelled us high enough in the air to clear water and fire up the inboards. Button number 17, "what to press in the even of a whale-pod friskyness", solved the problem. We've a full head of steam (thanks to the on-board espresso machine), topped the tanks off, doffed the tank tops, spent a good couple of days lounging in the sun top side (smiling for the spy satellites, of course, while our flabber congregated. In retrospect, Lever No. 7, "this makes it go" was a dead giveaway, but I can't help it if my Urdu is a bit rusty.

Looking down at the map on the chart table, I noticed that an animated balloon bobbed along with our travels, up to and including the wet spot on the surface when we touched down. Luckily, all the little lights in the holographic balloon sim are once again green, or at least disco-ish, and we're on our way.

Bermuda, now firmly in our rear-view mirror, if we had one, was a nice fly-over, even if it was at night. If it weren't for the noise from the AA on the island, I think we would have enjoyed it instead of annoyed it.

Who's been monkeying w/ the radio?

mvisconte · 03-24-2010, 11:47 PM

Hello Friends, are you enjoying our feature? This is Charles Cranston Lovett-Jackson the Third, Esquire, DDS, MVP, MPG, your host for tonight's WHISTAR THEATER!

Wow, what a zany adventure our group is on, isn't it? The scenes with the whales sure scared me! What new adventures await? Time can only tell. Now, here's Time, the Clown!

(sotto voce) Do I have to do this?

(sotto vociferous) Did you get paid last week? Then I'd advise you to do it. You quit doing the clown, we quit paying you. We quit paying you, you miss your alimony payments. You miss one more alimony payment and, well, YOU'RE the one who married the cop's sister and then cheated on her with his wife......

HI KIDS! I'm Justin Time, and I'm gonna tell you about today's new adventure!

(sotto vicious) DO IT!

(Time, the Clown, takes a bottle from his pocket, uncorks it, drains the last of the cheap booze he filled it with last night, and then smacks himself in the head with the bottle. The Foley operator used a half coconut and a big spring near his Westinghouse 618 to get a satisfying CLOP-BOING!!! as the bottle shatters. A splash of rut-gut makes it into Justin's eyes. He clutches his eyes and...)

AAIEEE!!! OW! OW! OW! OW!!! HOLY @!$@V!FFERW@!!!! (Justin is rocking his torso back and forth in spasms of pain, running blindly towards what he thinks are the stage curtains. So. Close. In a forward curl, he gains momentum and then hits the corner of the wall at the edge of the stage. He's out cold, and tumbles forward, just missing going over the riser into what was once an orchestra pit. The kids in the audience are eating it up, laughing hysterically at the clown's crazy antics. Those are words not even DADDY can say without mommy being mad for a week! The producer is angry, then at the childrens' response, thinks this might be a useful routine next week... boy, he's gonna have a goose egg the size of New Jersey tomorrow. Nobody noticed the small blood pool under Time's head.)

Announcer: OK JOE! Well kids, that'll teach that crazy clown not to drink, right? Tell that to your dads, ok? OK!

So, in tonight's episode, our friends go to JAIL!

Heh heh heh, don't worry, they're heros! Let's watch, shall we?

(lights in theatre dim...)

kindlekitten · 03-25-2010, 01:08 AM

I just ran out of batteries. AA. luggage searches will commence IMMEDIATELY!

mvisconte · 03-25-2010, 01:09 AM

It strikes me a bit odd that Bermuda would have anti-aircraft guns, or that they'd be so eager to target friendly strangers, passing in the night.

Checking the pilot console, making sure everything that's supposed to be going "beep" is, in fact, going "beep"... that the green spin-ey thing is both green, and spinning, with a reassuring "boop" as lighted figures drift across the screen. A few things going "fisss", and one thing that is making a noise I can't recreate, even mentally, but everything looks all Jim Dandy. so, having exhausted my piloting skills, I decide to roam.

I wander into the lower lounge. There's a crap game going on in the booth in the corner, with dvsick and poohbear alternately yelling "CRAP!", "CRAP!" at each other, then laughing hysterically an drinking from dark colored bottles. Maybe it was my wearing dark glasses that made the bottles look darker than they really were. I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can.... watch you weave and breathe your stor--- sorry, got carried away there.

I make my way to the bar where pshrynk has a Dirty Martini waiting for me. I ask for a clean glass, and take a sip of the new Martini. It's like a late season Sharav blowing across the Rub'al-Khali. Dry.

Pshrynk nods gently, and smiles to some internal conversation, while he polishes a glass. We all talk to ourselves from time to time, but he seems to get answers, and ones he likes. I smile and nod to myself. Then I notice he has one half of an iPod headset in his other ear. OK, maybe I'm the only one who talks to myself. They say it's a sign of... GENIUS! Isn't that right? Damn skippy it's right!

Deb walks up and nods to Pshrynk, and to me, and says, "you're talking to yourself again, aren't you?" I smile sheepishly and murmur a soft "NO!".

"Give me one of those," she points to a bottle. "No, not a shot, the bottle." Pshrynk knows better than to try to charge her. So far, between us, we have $46.45, several IOUs, some poker chips (the cheap plastic kind), and pocket lint. We've started paying for booze and food on-board with toothpicks. It doesn't bother me, I've got the key to the supply room.

WD(E) is sitting in a booth, nursing a beer from a largish dog bowl. "That's kind of big for one drink, it's it?" "I plan on bathing in it, later."

To pshrynk: "Remind me not to drink the beer..."

Speaking outloud, to nobody in particular, but positioning myself between Deb, psjrynk, WD(E), and Geoff (drinking a mug of hot choco), I say "It strikes me a bit odd that Bermuda would have anti-aircraft guns, or that they'd be so eager to target friendly strangers, passing in the night."

"Yeah," says Geoff, "we read that at the start of the post. What do you think it means?"

Now that I have their attention, well, most of them... KK is above the skylight, which is sad because it's night, I walk over to the entertainment center, which looks suspiciously like a 1940's RCA Victor free-standing. "What, " I said, pausing for effect, "happened to the big screen hi-def? Where's the satellite feed? Where's the blue ray? Alright, who's been monkeying with the radio?"

"Some radio, " said Geoff. "All I can get is 'Fibber McGee & Molly', 'Charlie McCarthy', and 'The Chase and Sanborn Hour'... fat lot o' good THAT does us!"

Somewhere, in the back of my brain, is a little voice yelling, sotto voce, "get. Out. NOW."
I never did like those little voices. Besides, it was night, we were tucked all tidy in a luxury dirigible, and it was almost a mile to the sea below. I think I'll just turn in tonight and see what the voices has to say in the morning...

kindlekitten · 03-25-2010, 01:15 AM

damn! you know it's BAD when pshrynk is listening to his own voices!!!

the hell with the batteries! I'm gonna walk the dog.

c'mere WDE.... I don't give a rats patootie if you don't need supervision... it's all in the package. just walk errrr trot nicely and act like this is normal

GeoffC · 03-25-2010, 05:44 AM

what you need batteries for ?

never mind pshrynk talking to himself, what's with all the sotto voce's !

(hush at the back there, no talking whilst the Boss is thinking)

Wetdogeared · 03-25-2010, 07:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kindlekitten

damn! you know it's BAD when pshrynk is listening to his own voices!!!

the hell with the batteries! I'm gonna walk the dog.

c'mere WDE.... I don't give a rats patootie if you don't need supervision... it's all in the package. just walk errrr trot nicely and act like this is normal

Can't I finish my bath first? The captain has a tendency to pass out straws to everyone coming through the door and telling them it's their lucky day since this is "all the beer you can drink from a straw" night. Well, since I have a bath every night...

OK, what's up kk? Why the camo face paint?

kindlekitten · 03-25-2010, 08:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wetdogeared

Can't I finish my bath first? The captain has a tendency to pass out straws to everyone coming through the door and telling them it's their lucky day since this is "all the beer you can drink from a straw" night. Well, since I have a bath every night...

OK, what's up kk? Why the camo face paint?

shhhhhh!!!! and the stinkier you are right now the better!

pshrynk · 03-25-2010, 09:12 AM

I'm just going to set up dsrinks for everyone's last round and saunter casually over to the escape pods. never mind me, I was an Olympic Casual Sauntering Team member back in '75...

GeoffC · 03-25-2010, 09:16 AM

what escape pods ?

wait ....

no........

dsvick · 03-25-2010, 09:37 AM

CRAP

errr, sorry, I thought I'd won.... crap.

pshrynk · 03-25-2010, 09:46 AM

Hey has anyone seen a small grey dog who might, in fact, look like a slarge grey squirrel run through here? He might be accompanied by a lot of skwirlls. thanks.

Oh, and the Chick'n'borg cube is closing in on our six, fairly rapidly. I suggest panicking.

kindlekitten · 03-25-2010, 09:51 AM

I'll get the satay sauce ready!

03-24-2010, 11:47 PM	#184
mvisconte pHilosopher kIng Posts: 208 Karma: 429751 Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: An imperfect world Device: Laptop, laptop, desktop, phone (HTC, HTC, Asus, Asus, LG rah!)	A word from the sponsor Hello Friends, are you enjoying our feature? This is Charles Cranston Lovett-Jackson the Third, Esquire, DDS, MVP, MPG, your host for tonight's WHISTAR THEATER! Wow, what a zany adventure our group is on, isn't it? The scenes with the whales sure scared me! What new adventures await? Time can only tell. Now, here's Time, the Clown! (sotto voce) Do I have to do this? (sotto vociferous) Did you get paid last week? Then I'd advise you to do it. You quit doing the clown, we quit paying you. We quit paying you, you miss your alimony payments. You miss one more alimony payment and, well, YOU'RE the one who married the cop's sister and then cheated on her with his wife...... HI KIDS! I'm Justin Time, and I'm gonna tell you about today's new adventure! (sotto vicious) DO IT! (Time, the Clown, takes a bottle from his pocket, uncorks it, drains the last of the cheap booze he filled it with last night, and then smacks himself in the head with the bottle. The Foley operator used a half coconut and a big spring near his Westinghouse 618 to get a satisfying CLOP-BOING!!! as the bottle shatters. A splash of rut-gut makes it into Justin's eyes. He clutches his eyes and...) AAIEEE!!! OW! OW! OW! OW!!! HOLY @!$@V!FFERW@!!!! (Justin is rocking his torso back and forth in spasms of pain, running blindly towards what he thinks are the stage curtains. So. Close. In a forward curl, he gains momentum and then hits the corner of the wall at the edge of the stage. He's out cold, and tumbles forward, just missing going over the riser into what was once an orchestra pit. The kids in the audience are eating it up, laughing hysterically at the clown's crazy antics. Those are words not even DADDY can say without mommy being mad for a week! The producer is angry, then at the childrens' response, thinks this might be a useful routine next week... boy, he's gonna have a goose egg the size of New Jersey tomorrow. Nobody noticed the small blood pool under Time's head.) Announcer: OK JOE! Well kids, that'll teach that crazy clown not to drink, right? Tell that to your dads, ok? OK! So, in tonight's episode, our friends go to JAIL! Heh heh heh, don't worry, they're heros! Let's watch, shall we? (lights in theatre dim...)

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03-24-2010, 10:17 PM	#183
mvisconte pHilosopher kIng Posts: 208 Karma: 429751 Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: An imperfect world Device: Laptop, laptop, desktop, phone (HTC, HTC, Asus, Asus, LG rah!)	It's been murder for a while... extra long days in RW (Real World, no trademark possible), trying to lead a secret, Super's life, fighting a cold or something much like an alien trying to get out without the benefit of the gastric bypass, then all that free association -- aren't cold meds the best!? OK, so you know about the mechanical hippo... It was a guess to get out of actually CARRYING anything. I have to do stuffs in the RW, I don't want to break a sweat in here, too. So, let's say we cop of couple of ton o' peanuts, now mashed beyond repair, and repair to our dirigible. "What?" you say, "the last WE knew, we were floating at SEA!" A clever observation. Keep it up, my lad, and you'll go far. Probably in a penal institution. Aside from the minor unpleasantness of briefly touching down at sea, and having that pod o' whales mistake us for a drugged out hippy whale chick (embarrassing.. imagine the side forming Tie-dye, and the squeaks and groans from the over worked flabbercasters sounding quite like a whale in heat). Luckily, the ol' bump and grind propelled us high enough in the air to clear water and fire up the inboards. Button number 17, "what to press in the even of a whale-pod friskyness", solved the problem. We've a full head of steam (thanks to the on-board espresso machine), topped the tanks off, doffed the tank tops, spent a good couple of days lounging in the sun top side (smiling for the spy satellites, of course, while our flabber congregated. In retrospect, Lever No. 7, "this makes it go" was a dead giveaway, but I can't help it if my Urdu is a bit rusty. Looking down at the map on the chart table, I noticed that an animated balloon bobbed along with our travels, up to and including the wet spot on the surface when we touched down. Luckily, all the little lights in the holographic balloon sim are once again green, or at least disco-ish, and we're on our way. Bermuda, now firmly in our rear-view mirror, if we had one, was a nice fly-over, even if it was at night. If it weren't for the noise from the AA on the island, I think we would have enjoyed it instead of annoyed it. Who's been monkeying w/ the radio?

03-25-2010, 01:08 AM	#185
kindlekitten Professional Adventuress Posts: 13,368 Karma: 50260224 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: The Olympic Peninsula on the OTHER Washington! (the big green clean one on the west coast!) Device: Kindle, the original! Times Two! and gifting an International Kindle	I just ran out of batteries. AA. luggage searches will commence IMMEDIATELY!

03-25-2010, 01:09 AM	#186
mvisconte pHilosopher kIng Posts: 208 Karma: 429751 Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: An imperfect world Device: Laptop, laptop, desktop, phone (HTC, HTC, Asus, Asus, LG rah!)	It strikes me a bit odd that Bermuda would have anti-aircraft guns, or that they'd be so eager to target friendly strangers, passing in the night. Checking the pilot console, making sure everything that's supposed to be going "beep" is, in fact, going "beep"... that the green spin-ey thing is both green, and spinning, with a reassuring "boop" as lighted figures drift across the screen. A few things going "fisss", and one thing that is making a noise I can't recreate, even mentally, but everything looks all Jim Dandy. so, having exhausted my piloting skills, I decide to roam. I wander into the lower lounge. There's a crap game going on in the booth in the corner, with dvsick and poohbear alternately yelling "CRAP!", "CRAP!" at each other, then laughing hysterically an drinking from dark colored bottles. Maybe it was my wearing dark glasses that made the bottles look darker than they really were. I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can.... watch you weave and breathe your stor--- sorry, got carried away there. I make my way to the bar where pshrynk has a Dirty Martini waiting for me. I ask for a clean glass, and take a sip of the new Martini. It's like a late season Sharav blowing across the Rub'al-Khali. Dry. Pshrynk nods gently, and smiles to some internal conversation, while he polishes a glass. We all talk to ourselves from time to time, but he seems to get answers, and ones he likes. I smile and nod to myself. Then I notice he has one half of an iPod headset in his other ear. OK, maybe I'm the only one who talks to myself. They say it's a sign of... GENIUS! Isn't that right? Damn skippy it's right! Deb walks up and nods to Pshrynk, and to me, and says, "you're talking to yourself again, aren't you?" I smile sheepishly and murmur a soft "NO!". "Give me one of those," she points to a bottle. "No, not a shot, the bottle." Pshrynk knows better than to try to charge her. So far, between us, we have $46.45, several IOUs, some poker chips (the cheap plastic kind), and pocket lint. We've started paying for booze and food on-board with toothpicks. It doesn't bother me, I've got the key to the supply room. WD(E) is sitting in a booth, nursing a beer from a largish dog bowl. "That's kind of big for one drink, it's it?" "I plan on bathing in it, later." To pshrynk: "Remind me not to drink the beer..." Speaking outloud, to nobody in particular, but positioning myself between Deb, psjrynk, WD(E), and Geoff (drinking a mug of hot choco), I say "It strikes me a bit odd that Bermuda would have anti-aircraft guns, or that they'd be so eager to target friendly strangers, passing in the night." "Yeah," says Geoff, "we read that at the start of the post. What do you think it means?" Now that I have their attention, well, most of them... KK is above the skylight, which is sad because it's night, I walk over to the entertainment center, which looks suspiciously like a 1940's RCA Victor free-standing. "What, " I said, pausing for effect, "happened to the big screen hi-def? Where's the satellite feed? Where's the blue ray? Alright, who's been monkeying with the radio?" "Some radio, " said Geoff. "All I can get is 'Fibber McGee & Molly', 'Charlie McCarthy', and 'The Chase and Sanborn Hour'... fat lot o' good THAT does us!" Somewhere, in the back of my brain, is a little voice yelling, sotto voce, "get. Out. NOW." I never did like those little voices. Besides, it was night, we were tucked all tidy in a luxury dirigible, and it was almost a mile to the sea below. I think I'll just turn in tonight and see what the voices has to say in the morning...

03-25-2010, 01:15 AM	#187
kindlekitten Professional Adventuress Posts: 13,368 Karma: 50260224 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: The Olympic Peninsula on the OTHER Washington! (the big green clean one on the west coast!) Device: Kindle, the original! Times Two! and gifting an International Kindle	damn! you know it's BAD when pshrynk is listening to his own voices!!! the hell with the batteries! I'm gonna walk the dog. c'mere WDE.... I don't give a rats patootie if you don't need supervision... it's all in the package. just walk errrr trot nicely and act like this is normal

03-25-2010, 05:44 AM	#188
GeoffC Chocolate Grasshopper ... Posts: 27,599 Karma: 20821184 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Scotland Device: Muse HD , Cybook Gen3 , Pocketbook 302 (Black) , Nexus 10: wife has PW	what you need batteries for ? never mind pshrynk talking to himself, what's with all the sotto voce's ! (hush at the back there, no talking whilst the Boss is thinking)

03-25-2010, 09:12 AM	#191
pshrynk Beepbeep n beebeep, yeah! Posts: 11,726 Karma: 8255450 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: La Crosse, Wisconsin, aka America's IceBox Device: iThingie, KmkII, I miss Zelda!	I'm just going to set up dsrinks for everyone's last round and saunter casually over to the escape pods. never mind me, I was an Olympic Casual Sauntering Team member back in '75...

03-25-2010, 09:16 AM	#192
GeoffC Chocolate Grasshopper ... Posts: 27,599 Karma: 20821184 Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Scotland Device: Muse HD , Cybook Gen3 , Pocketbook 302 (Black) , Nexus 10: wife has PW	what escape pods ? wait .... no........

03-25-2010, 09:37 AM	#193
dsvick Wizard Posts: 2,737 Karma: 635747 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Northeast Ohio, USA Device: PRS-900	CRAP errr, sorry, I thought I'd won.... crap.

03-25-2010, 09:46 AM	#194
pshrynk Beepbeep n beebeep, yeah! Posts: 11,726 Karma: 8255450 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: La Crosse, Wisconsin, aka America's IceBox Device: iThingie, KmkII, I miss Zelda!	Hey has anyone seen a small grey dog who might, in fact, look like a slarge grey squirrel run through here? He might be accompanied by a lot of skwirlls. thanks. Oh, and the Chick'n'borg cube is closing in on our six, fairly rapidly. I suggest panicking.

03-25-2010, 09:51 AM	#195
kindlekitten Professional Adventuress Posts: 13,368 Karma: 50260224 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: The Olympic Peninsula on the OTHER Washington! (the big green clean one on the west coast!) Device: Kindle, the original! Times Two! and gifting an International Kindle	I'll get the satay sauce ready!