Unutterably Silly Convenient Lies

[mvisconte]

A continuation from Once Upon a Never. (https://www.mobileread.com/forums/sho...152#post819152)

This won't be pretty. For anyone lost, please read the post referenced above, and contact one of our friendly customer service personnel. Stay in place until aid arrives. Stay calm. Stay put. Conserve your energy and resources. Do NOT try to find your way out on your own.

It begins... (with a continuation). All standard disclaimers apply (re: misspellings were intentional and lend a certain je ne sais quois to the story. Any awkward phrases are art and you can't question art. Anything that isn't understandable is obviously a joke rather than ineptitude on behalf of the writer, etc.).

---

AIEEEE *sound of screams receeding into distance...*

Originally Posted by kindlekitten

right, outside, window, hard boiled, runny yolks, cheddar, scotch; single malt, small arms
slit trench, composting, 50# AND burros, never throw your weapon away, high speed, long range, low drag!!
MacGyver, ship, airship, spaceship, no shades! country AND western! classical with a little fusion, neither rap or rabid dogs, rock
"blue", 5 second rule
jerky! YUM!!, chocolate malt, whipped cream, round nose 380, open iron, passive, fingers, throat, permanent, selective, memories, scales of justice, you CERTAINLY won't try that again!!!, local hero
coffee, tea, mineral water, local beverage
anything worth doing is worth doing yourself!
compassion
leave that person (animal) alone!!!
visual, takeoff -landing AND where's my drink!
no sweat I got it covered!
have wandered many forests with no lights
I'll take the hill! just let me do it my way!
ummmmmm????
nape of the earth navigation doncha know!

DANG WOMAN!? I almost suffered an unplanned deplaning! I got so excited I was pacing while reading, and didn't think about the passenger bay doors being open.

It's only a few stories down, so it probably wouldn't have killed me -- I have survived falls higher than that -- but it would have made for a nasty jolt after the accelerated exgress. I'll ask Reynard to re-tether at a lower point on the mast, or better yet, we may as well park her in the hanger for a while. Flying through wind = fine. Being popped around like a punchball by the wind whilst having one end of the balloon tethered to a mast = bad.

My count so far seems to include dbDeb, KK, Pshrynk, Geoff, WetDogEared...

We will be slightly short on staff (the standard stand-in henchmen union contract rules include percentage of spoils, and not that I'm greedy, but why spend cash you don't have when you don't have to?) -- so we'll all have to take on some of the regular operational roles, too.

Dibs on captain!
Pshrynk, can you do EMT or emergency surgery in a pinch? HEY! Can anybody sew? Skin? I better clarify that, can anybody sew SKIN? I don't PLAN on us experiencing any punctures, cuts, severences, un-natural openings, dismemberings, removings, lacerations, instickations, slices, chops, improper holing, disemboweling, alien incubations, extreme demon disembarkation, or any other incidents where the warm, wet, red, shiney, liquid inside stuff becomes cold, dried, brown, dull, caked stuff on the outside -- but it never hurts to be prepared. If there's some there who has the guts to collect the pieces (guts) and re-attachment in a reasonably similar position, it may pay off.

Wetdogeared, can you take guard duty? If you fall asleep and neglect to awaken us during enemy action, and I'll personally drop you into the China Ocean! (OK, the others wouldn't let me, but if I get killed in my sleep because you were sleeping on duty, then BAD DOG! NO BUSCUIT!) Also, will you be steward? What? Oh, ok, will you by whine steward?

Geoff, any inate heroic (or devious) talents we should know of? Aside from being willing to perform mercinary adventuring for little or no remuneration... that's a very attractive trait, in itself! Can you be in charge of the chickens? Fresh eggs for breakfast, and chicken dinner on the return flight!

Does anyone get airsick? I have all the standard remedies: dramamine, candied ginger, scotch... Uni, if you're interested in trying desensitization, but you'll have to practice it outside the passenger areas. The upper deck fine for sitting, but presents a large, runny surface if your I/O goes all O!O!

Also, the upper deck is really good for suntanning, and that area is of course clothing optional, but I wouldn't recommend it -- as we'll be traveling nocturnally as much as possible. There's no lighting up top, and if you fall asleep and go for a walk, chances are you'll just keep falling until you wake up -- either still falling or dead. Plus, there's no sun up there at night.

Some last points: I get the captain's quarters, even tho' the boat isn't "mine", technically. Besides. it's aleast 9/10'ths mine, so sayeth the law. 90% in mine pocket.

I'll release the other 10% as exhaust gas en route, and count it as tithing, as an offering to Gaia in the form of hot, long-chain, aromatic, hydron-carbon-rich, methyl-bi-sulfate gasses. A stand in for the eco-nuts in congress, this trip.

Well, I've got plans to put together before we embark on our adventure.

Bring casual, warm outer wear. Boots (water proof) along with a breathing stick (2" or more) are advisable. The areas will be cramped in some situations. Please remember breath mints -- especially WetDogEarred, no offense.

This is exciting... oh so much to do!

We'll meet back here at, oh... next post, and we'll review assignments. All right? BREAK!

[Wetdogeared]

Originally Posted by mvisconte

Wetdogeared, can you take guard duty? If you fall asleep and neglect to awaken us during enemy action, and I'll personally drop you into the China Ocean! (OK, the others wouldn't let me, but if I get killed in my sleep because you were sleeping on duty, then BAD DOG! NO BUSCUIT!) Also, will you be steward? What? Oh, ok, will you by whine steward?

Guard duty would be perfect for me, due to chronic insomnia, or was that narcolepsy? I like a good whine as long as I'm the whiner, but am willing to just ignore all of the other whining around me. Just call me Steward, but I usually answer to WDE.

[GeoffC]

he's put a vegan in charge of cooking with chickens .... that wasn't in the very very very small print of any contract i didn't sign.



.... beware .....

[pshrynk]

Originally Posted by mvisconte

Dibs on captain!
Pshrynk, can you do EMT or emergency surgery in a pinch? HEY! Can anybody sew? Skin? I better clarify that, can anybody sew SKIN? I don't PLAN on us experiencing any punctures, cuts, severences, un-natural openings, dismemberings, removings, lacerations, instickations, slices, chops, improper holing, disemboweling, alien incubations, extreme demon disembarkation, or any other incidents where the warm, wet, red, shiney, liquid inside stuff becomes cold, dried, brown, dull, caked stuff on the outside -- but it never hurts to be prepared. If there's some there who has the guts to collect the pieces (guts) and re-attachment in a reasonably similar position, it may pay off.

For certain values of surgery, sure. I have a sewing machine that does a really nice embroidery job, so after the emergency vasectomy, there will be a quaint little gnome sewing it all together. That plus my name (In full with all attendant titles, real, made up, past present, and anticipated future.) (It's a very versatile machine.) I draw the line at instickations, though. Those wounds squirt something fierce when you pull them out.

[ShortNCuddlyAm]

I'm stowing on board to, ahem, look after the supplies of tea, chocolate and whisky...

[mvisconte]

Originally Posted by GeoffC

he's put a vegan in charge of cooking with chickens .... that wasn't in the very very very small print of any contract i didn't sign.

.... beware .....

I'm bein' 'ware.

It was the standard uSoft EULA. "By reading, looking at, being in the same area with, thinking about, or even hearing about this contract, you hereby agree to all terms, clauses, limitations, requirements, concepts, inceptions, receptions, thoughts, promises, premises, remuses, rebuses, etc. Said implied agreement constitutes the same gravity of law as a signed legal Contract."

I love microSoft. Everything I ever learn about being devious or underhanded, I learn at the hands of their EULAs.

-- -- -- --
Geoff... am I to understand that you are too chicken to work with Chicken? That you would take it on the lam rather than work with Lamb? that you have a beef with, well, BEEF!? This is blashphemy! This is mutany! This is a perfectly good waste of useless, pretentious, and perfectly inane plot lines!

I am hereby demoting you to salad bar operator. You shall now be in charge of frozen peas, iceberg lettuce, shredded carrots, Ranch and Caesar dressings, and fruit cocktail.

I know that this is a severe blow, and it will take you time to get over the shame and live down the infamy. A long, long time. No one will want to associate with you because of that shame. No one will ever speak your name again, except in a hushed whisper, to use you as an example of what their children will become if they don't eat their chicken. Ever. Actually, it only lasts until the end of this scene. So much for planning. Hey, did you know there's a Caesar Cocktial? Let's go see if the bar is stocked to make one! Welcome aboard!


Jodhpurs ... I need to add a retroactive clause for Jodhpurs.

[mvisconte]

Originally Posted by ShortNCuddlyAm

I'm stowing on board to, ahem, look after the supplies of tea, chocolate and whisky...

Argh! Stowaways! Let me see, what did they used to do w/ stowaways in the old days. Hm... well, Keel-hauling is out of the question. We can't hang 'em. Can't really make 'em walk the plank. Can't put 'em adrift in a small boat. We don't have irons (well, if you overlook the clothes irons in the laundry and the curling irons in the staterooms). ...No manacles. Look in the manual... Tenticles, yes, manacures yes, but no manacles. Damn. OK, I guess we'll just have to make room at the table for you. Luckily, I hear you don't take up too much room. If this keeps up, we're going to have to sleep in shifts.

I usually sleep in the nude, but a shift will do.



We aren't going to have enough lift to bring back everyone's weight in lost Aztec gold... we may have to eat our way through the ship's stores to lighten the load. Dibs on the chocolate, steak, gin, licorice, sharp cheddar, coconut, and, um.... what else can I think of that everyone else might want. Oh, and the chicken. :-D

[mvisconte]

I just noticed my "caption"... evidently, can still teach chickens to fly, so we can just put them off the dig until we make altitude on the return trip. That's good, I was starting to get stuffed.



Oh, I was all excited about having a liseuse on board! Until I found out that it's NOT the woman who gives massages.

Maybe I can still find the masseuse who will work for tips... she won't make anything, but hey, it will teach her a lot about reading the manuscript before agreeing to a scheme.

[Kevin2960]

Originally Posted by GeoffC

he's put a vegan in charge of cooking with chickens .... that wasn't in the very very very small print of any contract i didn't sign.



.... beware .....

I hadn#t realised Chickens did much cooking

and they are the REAL Hero's round here,

Anyway if you put 1000 Chickens in the Plane .....

...


.... One of them will LEARN to FLY

[Kevin2960]

Originally Posted by GeoffC

he's put a vegan in charge of cooking with chickens .... that wasn't in the very very very small print of any contract i didn't sign.



.... beware .....

By the way Geoff,

The only Good Vegan .......

Is seved on a Plate with mashed potato, onions, and gravy

[mvisconte]

OK, no worries, this is just a dry run. No guns, no violence, no intrigue, we're just going over places and getting a feel for the vehicle.

Places everyone.

First, I, as your captain, a lovable rogue with a heart of gold, am played by me. Not a ne'er-do-well, just a man who has missed more marks than he's hit, but with the ambition for that big score. Always a sucker for a pretty face or a sob story, but more likely to pick a pocket and pawn a locket than really do anything eeevil(TM). I mean well. Well, I mean something.

Deborah Malbon, played by badgoodDeb, is a firm but fair heroine. More idealistic than she cares to admit, and more caring than careful at times, she will figure prominently in our little jeux de mots, mainly because ... well, I don't really have a reason, but I've writtens the most scenes/lines for her in my cramped and dimly lit brain. If I can find my notes, then I've got some fun time ahead. She is a warrior-class, with lots of class. She knows all of the ancients arts (like cave-drawing, finger-painting, etc.) and several of the midaevil one also (mace, sword, trebuchet). She's currently appearing in several other threads on Broadway.

PK (Psycho Kinetic), played by pshrynk, is ships surgeon (hopefully not needed), part-time bartender, latent cereal killer, and whole grain fan. (He will later go on to play John Dough, in "The Loaf and I: The story of a breadmakers Rise to Fame") I warn you all, don't just watch your wallets around him, if you shake hands, count your fingers afterwards.

WDE (WD for short, E for long), played by WetDogeared, is a Jack-of-all-trades, jackass-of-a-few-too. He is the steward while abord, hired muscle and hypersensitive guard while At-the-scene, when he's not curled up by a warm fire (as oppose to those cold fires) or in the sun. He doesn't spend much time IN the sun, but does have an affinity for sunlight. The dishwashing liquid. Oh, Lord, what have I gotten myself in to?

KK, played by KindleKitten, is a old war-friend of Deb's, from the, uh, war. She is both more modern and more rustic, being trained in shootin' iron, shot gun, cattle rustlin', cow bell, bass drum, bass fishing, salt water taffy, and a host of other skills. She played opposite James Broad, in the spy thriller, "View to a Skill". She (s)killed him, of course. Careful boys, she spits.

Geoff (pronounced Jeff, in the eStates), played by
geoffc, is a man hiding a secret... a man with a past... a man with a secret past in which he hid something or is hiding something or something like that, that he can't find, but is dilligently searchng for, fore and aft, this afternoon. No one else will talk to him or mention his name, except in warning other children about chicken man, who comes in the night to steal children who won't finish their McNuggets. Or gold nuggets, or something like that. We really don't know much about him, mainly because of his tawdry, secret past, as a vegetarian. He's never had lizard-on-a-stick, or if he has, he's keeping it secret. Secretly. And he's doing a good job of it. He's also a chocolate smuggler, known only as "His Nibs". I'm quickly running out of puns.

Our stow-away, played by the lovely ShortNCuddlyAm, is a resident lush. She evidently was already on-board when I stole (-- er, misappropriated... no, borrowed. BORROWED) the dirigible, passed out behind the liquor cabinet. She passed out from extreme consumption of rich Dutch-process chocolate. She was guarding the whisky, at great perile, to the last drop. She will probably be taking over the carnivore menu and food prep. She does not have a story name, yet, but if she doesn't suggest one, I'll have to make sure to write in a very embarrassing name and part to match, for her.

Additional parts are played by:
Reynard, (the opthamologist manservant)
Criminals (various and sundry)
Henchmen (supplied by LEG-E, Literary Extras Guild, Expendable)
Zepplin Crew (supplied by UBPGG, Unknown Bit-Part Goodguys Guild)
Bystanders, Villagers, Peasants, Oppressed, Abused, Disenfranchised, Down-trodden, and In-Need-Of-Saving (a sundry of Sunday characters, ready to be torn asunder)
Anybody-Else-We-Need (To Be Announced).

[mvisconte]

I just thought of something... WDE, are you any relation to WD-40? He's pretty well known in the States.

[Wetdogeared]

Originally Posted by mvisconte

I just thought of something... WDE, are you any relation to WD-40? He's pretty well known in the States.

Yes, he's a member of my well lubricated family.

[GraceKrispy]

Originally Posted by Wetdogeared

Yes, he's a member of my well lubricated family.

You could have used "well oiled" or "slick," but you had to go and use "lubricated," eh?

[mvisconte]

Originally Posted by GraceKrispy

You could have used "well oiled" or "slick," but you had to go and use "lubricated," eh?

Yep. Ya gotta get up pretty oily to pull one over on him!