The Case of the Drowning Baptists

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward

"I don't want to blame him, I just want to shoot him.

But my Christian charity prevents that.

ffffiou.

Though not by much."

I started with a slight variant of the opening line. "Forgive me father, for I am not Catholic."

thanks for the new chapters (it's about time ) !!

[Greg Anos]

Here's another, Your Majesty....


I got back to the rest of the reprobates. I still hadn't seen VR. Well, there was one way to get his attention.

"BACON! Come and get it VR, BACON!"

A voice in the far end of the room, "What are you caterwauling about, Red?"

"Just tryin' to get the doggie's attention. I didn't haul this bacon over just to stare at it."

I heard the pattering of little paws joggin in my direction.

VR stopped at my feet, giving me a hard look.

I got down one knee. "Shake, boy, shake."

VR looked like he was going to have a hissy fit.

I said quietly, "Shake, or I'll have to make you beg."

VR gave me a good growl, but stuck out a paw. I shook it and then handed him the bacon. "After you get done," I whispered "come sit in my lap. We have things to talk about."


I wandered over to Micah.

I said, "Well, since I was dumb enough to let a newsie slip by me, I guess I don't really have a beef about your interviews. But soon or later we're gonna have to figure a way out of this mess. Any ideas on your end?"

"Why should I worry? God has granted me an even better forum for my message that I had ever hoped for. More and more sinner are being brought to the Light."

"Yes, but don't you have a duty to be around to show the light to those babies not yet born?"

"Not necessarily. Christ built an organization and let it go. I'm just expanding on the idea. Our ministry will march on, no matter what."

I didn't know who was tougher to deal with, Micah or Kaitempi Kate. All I wanted to do was to go back fishin'.

I knew whatever argument I came up with, he'd have a ready counter. Jui jitsu doesn't work on a rock. 'Course I was probably insulting the rock...

Still...

"Micah, I kinda looked over you setup, you got a problem."

That got some fur up. "What do you mean by that crack, Red?"

"Well, if you goal is to convert some of these ambassadors you got captured here, where's the immersion pool? Y'all are dunkers, not sprinklers. I don't see how you can send 'em out to Witness, unbaptized."

That caught Micah short. "Hmmm..."

"You can't used the brewery stuff. I mean, it just wouldn't look right to be baptized in a used beer vat. Absolutely goes against the Baptist message."

He had the dignity to look sheepish. "I guess I hadn't thought that through."

"You know, you and your acolytes need to huddle up and figure this one out. You can never tell when one of those ambassadors will step up and see the light. You wouldn't want to let that chance slip by because you weren't prepared."

"You know Red, for an unwashed scoundrel, you're pretty smart."

"Now don't be boosting my ego, Micah. I'm just tryin' to find a peaceable solution. Tell you what, let me go back over with the ambassadors while y'all sort this out."

"OK, Red." And they sorta huddled up and started talking noisy.


I figured this would give me a half hour do check with VR and start setting things up.

I sat down and motioned VR over here. He sauntered over to me and sat down. I decided to lie down on the floor where we could talk quieter.

"Have you cased the joint yet, VR?"

"Yes."

"Are the mines real?"

"Yes."

"Have you spotted 'em all?"

"Yes."

"Do any of them require climbing to get to them?"

"No."

"What kind of explosive?"

"C4 or something similar."

"Did them seem to be boobytrapped?"

"No, and none of these hotshots said anything about booby traps among themselves."

"Exits?"

"Three are ground level. All of them guarded."

"How many guards?"

"One for each entrance, and one on the roof as a lookout for any charge by the Feds. They rotate them every 8 hours."

"That makes 13, with Micah. three guard changes and a boss. How are they armed?"

"Automatic pistols, with extra clips. The long arms are over at Micah's corner."

"Yep, I spotted those when I came in. Do the guards have a line of site to any of the explosives?"

VR mulled that one over. "Don't think so."

"Well, they're used to you being a pain the backside. They haven't shot you yet. So here's the plan...." and I started whispering in VR's ear...

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward

VR stopped at my feet, giving me a hard look.

I got down one knee. "Shake, boy, shake."

VR looked like he was going to have a hissy fit.

poor vr, his dignity must be black and blue with the beating it takes.

"You know Red, for an unwashed scoundrel, you're pretty smart."

like i keep telling you (you unwashed scoundrel).

[Greg Anos]

Got a good news/bad news deal. There will be three more chapters and a epilog. (Followed in a little while by a concordance). All plotted and planned. That's the good news.

The bad news is I have to go in for jury duty tomorrow... If I'm not selected, it's all over in one day, if not, who knows how long it'll be.

(I have my bow tie, my Mickey Spillane copy of I, The Jury, and I know how to annoy lawyers. I hope it'll be enough to make not pick me.... 'cause I'm still sick.)

There'll be thrills, chills, and unexploded jokes, when I get back to writing...

[zelda_pinwheel]

arg ! curses ! well, i hope you don't get selected, but do get better soon, and manage to get a lot of writing done in the very near future.

[Greg Anos]

Originally Posted by zelda_pinwheel

arg ! curses ! well, i hope you don't get selected, but do get better soon, and manage to get a lot of writing done in the very near future.

And cliffhangers, I forgot cliffhangers.

[dreams]

"Well, they're used to you being a pain the backside. They haven't shot you yet. So here's the plan...." and I started whispering in VR's ear...

Ooo, can't wait to find out how it goes down.

I hope you get better soon and don't have to sit through jury selection too long before they send you home.

[Greg Anos]

Originally Posted by dreams

Ooo, can't wait to find out how it goes down.

I hope you get better soon and don't have to sit through jury selection too long before they send you home.

I should be writing in a day or two. I really want to. The story is at the write it itself stage, but I'm just too sick to key it out.

I don't know whether you readers will like it, but the next three posts and epilogue, as just going to be pure fun to write....

I'm shutting down for the night.

[badgoodDeb]

Oh, I'm SURE we'll like it! It's fabulous so far!!

Yeah, poor VR. But Red is right ... he needs to act like a trained dog, so they don't start suspecting him. Shaking isn't as bad as begging!

[Greg Anos]

After a quick chat with the Padre, I wandered back to the caucusing Baptists. No progress so far, but lots of noise....Showtime...

Suddenly, in the background...

"Youa lousy mutta, you crappa ona mya best shoes! While I'ma still ina them. I'lla fix your wagon."

A sneering bark, followed by the sound of something being throw and another bark.

"You no getta away from me. I go fixa your wagon!" Followed by the sounds of Monseigneur Camillo chasing after VR.

After that, there was a continuing hubbub for barks, bangs, and yells from the Padre. I heard several "Helpa me catcha this stupid mutta." Some "Youa lousy doga." and "Standa and fighta likea doga." Mixed in with lots of "I'lla fixa your wagon" and a steady flow of Italian that I couldn't understand, but I felt that he was not asking VR over for Tea.

Some heads popped up outta the huddle.

I shrugged. "VR has just hacked off the Padre. I don't figure a 90 year old is going to catch him. Besides, if he does, think about what a bad light it'll put the Vatican in."

Micah popped up his head. "I hope he catches him." And gestures for the others to huddle back up.

Perfect. I couldn't have hoped for better.


The bangs and barks and yells went on for around another 15 minutes, with an out-of -breath Padre dragging back to the diplomats.

"I'lla turn you into a hot doga, yet." he leans against one of the big vats in the brew room where everybody was staying.

I hurried over to the Padre.

"Are you OK? A man your age shouldn't be chasing after a doggie, no matter what the provocation."

" I'lla geta that doggie yeta." He then whispered, "I gotta all the guards tieda up. Mosta of them are still outa cold." He grinned, "I haven'ta hada this mucha fun since the old days with Mayor Peppone."

"You get the detonators?"

"Behinda the vat. I puta the resta of the C4 behinda another vat. Over therea." He hooked his thumb in the required direction. "Oh, and herea." He reached under his hassock and pulled out 3 Glocks. "You mighta finda these of usea."

"What, no Tommy Guns?"

Monseigneur Camillo chuckled. "Those werea the old days. Maybe you aska Micah for a couple, just for the olda times."

"I don't think Micah has a sense of humor, or any sense of the old times. These will do. You got the rags?"

"Backa with the detonators."

"Well, rest up. I've gotta go set some detonators."


I slipped one of the Glocks in my boot, and the other two in my waist band behind me. I pulled out my shirttail, which covered them up. Now it was time to start earning my pay, by setting the detonators.

This was the next tricky part, and I wasn't gonna delegate this to anyone else but me. With a quick look over at the huddle, which was still going strong, I started setting little pieces of C4, with a detonator each, on certain pipes, at certain angles, and then covering each detonator with a rag. I had to check the huddle after each setup but I got the last one done before the huddle broke up. I waited a few more minutes for my knees to stop knocking. You play with live detonators and C4 and think nothing of it. I was just glad my sphincters had held.


After I got settled down again, I wandered back over to the huddle.

"Any progress, Micah?"

Micah popped his head up. "What business is it of yours?"

"Just tryin' to help. Before you get too mad, could I offer a helpful suggestion?"

"And just what would that be?"

"Maybe y'all should take the matter up with the Lord with a prayer. It seems to me that if you're fussin' over a matter with the Lord, you need to let the Spirit move y'all for the final answer."

"Red, for an unwashed, heathen, scoundrel, you sure have some good ideas in your head. Have you ever thought about the ministry?"

"Not personally, but I do come from a long line of Baptist preachers on my mother's side."

"Why'd you go Catholic then?"

"Now Micah, y'all need to be worryin' about the Spirit movin' y'all, not my sins. Can I make one more suggestion."

"What?"

"Once you've given you prayer, maybe you might like to sing a few hymns. Help put you in the right mood for the occasion."

Micah just shook his head. "You shoulda been a Baptist preacher. That's a great idea."


So they start one of those endless Baptist prayer, asking for guidance. I timed it out at 9 minutes 14 seconds. At least they weren't singing Just as I Am. Not yet, anyhow. And I had the armament to make certain, not later, either.

After the Amen, I piped up, "Mind if I start the singing?"

"Sure, Red, why not?"

"Since y'all are Baptists, y'all won't mind if my singing isn't the highest calibre. The Good Book just says make a joyous noise."

"Get on with it."

"I'll start out with a good ole Catholic hymn called Ave Marie..." and I started singing.


They started going though the Baptist standard, which of course they had memorized. By the fifth one I caught VR out of the corner of my eye. I nodded slightly. He winked and nodded back, then jogged off.

I gave him two minutes, and then it was time for the first act of Henry the V.

I screamed at the top of my lungs, "HALLELUJAH! THE LORD HAS SPOKEN!!!!"

[zelda_pinwheel]

"Helpa me catcha this stupid mutta." Some "Youa lousy doga." and "Standa and fighta likea doga." Mixed in with lots of "I'lla fixa your wagon" and a steady flow of Italian that I couldn't understand, but I felt that was not asking VR over for Tea.

this is getting better and better.

[badgoodDeb]

Originally Posted by Ralph Sir Edward

He then whispered, "I gotta all the guards tieda up. Mosta of them are still outa cold." He grinned, "I haven'ta hada this mucha fun since the old days with Mayor Peppone."


I screamed at the top of my lungs, "HALLELUJAH! THE LORD HAS SPOKEN!!!!"

Love it!!! It's getting really nerve wracking now.......

[Greg Anos]

here's another half post (the other half will be in the morning and in the e-book form these will be combined into one post), with another cliffhanger....


"HALLELUJAH! THE LORD HAS SPOKEN!!!!"

A Glock suddenly popped up in each of my hand.

"AND THE LORD SAYS, STICK YOUR HANDS UP AND MARCH SLOWLY TO THE DOOR!"

Micah was quick on the uptake a dropped down behind his fellows and grabbed the bomb detonator box and fiddled with it. Meanwhile, some of the members were starting to eye the assault rifles along the wall. I better stop that...

'Don't even think about it. You'll be dead before ever get to the wall, much less aim and fire...So just stick 'em up, like good boys and girls. The Temple Of God Annex is going to relocate to Levenworth."

During this time I had been backing up to the big vat behind me.

"I think not." said Micah, and waved the box while holding onto to it with one hand. "Drop the guns or I'll blow you and the hostages up."

"What hostages? They're all safe in the hands of the FBI."

"Impossible. I had a guard on every exit."

"Wanna bet? Your real tough guys got taken out by a 90 year old priest. You thought he was chasing VR. That was a show to give him cover to knock out and tie up the guards. He led the hostages out while you were singin' hymns."

"You... You... " followed by a burst of real nasty words.

"Now, now, a preacher shouldn't talk like that, even to an unwashed heathen."

"I still have the upper hand, Red. I can still take you and this building out."

"Maybe so, but will you? I don't think so."

"And give up destroying this house of poison? And a fast-talking liar like you?"

"Now I don't think I told you one lie. I may have left out an item or two, but no lies. You're just not as smart as you thought you were, Micah."

"Maybe not, Red, but I'm smarter that you think I am. You're in the middle of the building, and we're over by a corner. we have a much better chance of surviving than you do. Give it up. Red."

"What's life without your favorite beer, Micah? Blow it if you have the cojones, I'm not lettin' you out of here free."

Which way would the frog hop?

[badgoodDeb]

Depends on how much Pearl the frog has had.....

[Greg Anos]

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

Depends on how much Pearl the frog has had.....

Great line! Can I use it?

(BadGoodDeb: Depends on how much Pearl the frog has had.....

Red: Either it's passed out on the floor, and can't hop; or it's stone sober...Remember it's a baptist frog....)