Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 55

columbus · 02-24-2010, 09:52 AM

My ex was a redhead & I very quickly learnt this

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy
One is to let her think she is having her own way
The other is to let her have it.

Also:-

Q. What's safer, a redhead or a piranha?
A. The piranha. They only attack in schools

Q. How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
A. She has scratched "stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails

Q. What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
A. Normal

Q. What does a redhead, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A redhead!

Q. How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
A. She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl

Q. How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
A. There's a hammer embedded in the monitor

Q. What's safer: a redhead or a piranha?
A. The piranha. They only attack in schools

Q. How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
A. She unties you

yvanleterrible · 02-24-2010, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by columbus

My ex was a redhead & I very quickly learnt this

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy
One is to let her think she is having her own way
The other is to let her have it.

Also:-

Q. What's safer, a redhead or a piranha?
A. The piranha. They only attack in schools

Q. How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
A. She has scratched "stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails

Q. What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
A. Normal

Q. What does a redhead, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A redhead!

Q. How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
A. She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl

Q. How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
A. There's a hammer embedded in the monitor

Q. What's safer: a redhead or a piranha?
A. The piranha. They only attack in schools

Q. How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead?
A. She unties you

Did a blonde compile that list? The first joke appears twice, she didn't get it the first time?

pshrynk · 02-24-2010, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

This joke originally came in a slightly different form, but I've adapted it for Mobileread.

There was a couple who went in for a green lifestyle, even to the extent of getting their house made out of environmentally friendly materials - in short, a grass hut. But quite a fancy one, with an attic space in the roof and all.

They also had a large collection of books, but because of the environmental benefits (less transport, no bleaching of paper pulp, etc.) they'd moved onto ebooks. So they didn't need their collection near to hand, but couldn't bear to dispose of it completely. Their solution was to pack them away in boxes in their attic.

Alas... a grass hut isn't necessarily very strong, and books are heavy. One night the attic floor gave way, burying them in their books.

The moral?

People in grass houses shouldn't stow tomes.

I'm going to have to hurt you , now.

Lycoming · 02-24-2010, 03:31 PM

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.

"Hey, *****, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:

"Gosh darn it, you lazy *****, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! " Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, *****, " says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! "

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20, 000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

Lycoming · 02-24-2010, 03:36 PM

Those on the left hand side of the Atlantic are probably familiar with Ralphy....... terror of the 1st grade.

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?'asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... Difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice. First,she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Ver good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully..'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f....... beautiful!''

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own business.'

kennyc · 02-24-2010, 03:38 PM

Those are great Lycoming

Bilbo1967 · 02-24-2010, 03:41 PM

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is pleasantly surprised to notice an attractive young lady sat next to him.

He introduces himself, "Hi, I'm flying to Vegas for a couple of day's relaxation. What takes you there?".

"Oh, well it's a bit embarrassing actually", she replies, "I'm a student and my dissertation is about the difference in sexual techniques across different nationalities. There's a conference in Vegas tomorrow on that topic".

"Wow, that sounds interesting!"

"It is, there are some fascinating facts that research has uncovered. For example, the most considerate lovers are men of the Jewish faith, and the best endowed race are the Native Americans"

"That is interesting. Oh, allow me to introduce myself, my names Tonto, Tonto Goldstein"

Lycoming · 02-24-2010, 03:49 PM

I'm digging a hole, incoming!!!!!

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

"There are no fish under the ice!!"

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"

The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.

Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.

poohbear_nc · 02-24-2010, 03:55 PM

More, more! These are great!

Katti's Cat · 02-24-2010, 07:18 PM

happy_terd · 02-24-2010, 10:56 PM

Funny joke put to a song. Well actually the presentation was funnier than the punch line but it did cheer me up a bit and make me giggle. For a younger audience of course. My 1 year old bouncing on my knee liked it.

Lycoming · 02-25-2010, 04:14 PM

Royalty

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was just as obviously enjoying himself.

He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!"

"Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch!"

yvanleterrible · 02-25-2010, 04:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Royalty

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was just as obviously enjoying himself.

He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!"

"Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch!"

Katti's Cat · 02-25-2010, 07:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Royalty

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was just as obviously enjoying himself.

He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!"

"Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch!"

Did I mention that my brother-in-law is a flight attendant?

dragonbone · 02-25-2010, 10:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Royalty

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was just as obviously enjoying himself.
He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!"
"Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch!"

hehehe.... So funny! I'm sending this to my gay friends!

02-24-2010, 10:56 PM	#821
happy_terd Banned Posts: 13,045 Karma: 10105011 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Finally made it to Walmart. Device: PRS 420	Funny joke put to a song. Well actually the presentation was funnier than the punch line but it did cheer me up a bit and make me giggle. For a younger audience of course. My 1 year old bouncing on my knee liked it. Last edited by happy_terd; 02-24-2010 at 11:09 PM.

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02-24-2010, 09:52 AM	#811
columbus Wizard Posts: 999 Karma: 5487540 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: In my own imagination. Device: Sony Prs 650, 505	My ex was a redhead & I very quickly learnt this Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy One is to let her think she is having her own way The other is to let her have it. Also:- Q. What's safer, a redhead or a piranha? A. The piranha. They only attack in schools Q. How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend? A. She has scratched "stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails Q. What do you call a Redhead with an attitude? A. Normal Q. What does a redhead, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? A. Men always miss them Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A redhead! Q. How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you? A. She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl Q. How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer? A. There's a hammer embedded in the monitor Q. What's safer: a redhead or a piranha? A. The piranha. They only attack in schools Q. How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead? A. She unties you

02-24-2010, 03:31 PM	#814
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate. "Hey, ***, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!" The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: "Gosh darn it, you lazy *, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! " Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. "Hey, ***, " says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! " The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20, 000 feet. As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

02-24-2010, 03:36 PM	#815
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Those on the left hand side of the Atlantic are probably familiar with Ralphy....... terror of the 1st grade. Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. 'Why?'asks the father? 'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY. 'But that's right!' says his dad. 'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'' 'What's the f...... Difference?' asks the father. 'That's what I said!' One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice. First,she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.' 'Ver good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.. She then called on little Michael. 'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully..' She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY. 'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f....... beautiful!'' Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own business.'

02-24-2010, 03:38 PM	#816
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,898 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	Those are great Lycoming

02-24-2010, 03:41 PM	#817
Bilbo1967 Not scared! Posts: 13,424 Karma: 81011643 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Midlands, UK Device: Kindle Paperwhite 10, Huawei M5 10	A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is pleasantly surprised to notice an attractive young lady sat next to him. He introduces himself, "Hi, I'm flying to Vegas for a couple of day's relaxation. What takes you there?". "Oh, well it's a bit embarrassing actually", she replies, "I'm a student and my dissertation is about the difference in sexual techniques across different nationalities. There's a conference in Vegas tomorrow on that topic". "Wow, that sounds interesting!" "It is, there are some fascinating facts that research has uncovered. For example, the most considerate lovers are men of the Jewish faith, and the best endowed race are the Native Americans" "That is interesting. Oh, allow me to introduce myself, my names Tonto, Tonto Goldstein"

02-24-2010, 03:49 PM	#818
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	I'm digging a hole, incoming!!!!! A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!" Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!" Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again. "There are no fish under the ice!!" Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?" The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!" Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down." There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? You have to hollow out the head.

02-24-2010, 03:55 PM	#819
poohbear_nc Bah! Humbug! Posts: 63,422 Karma: 135239851 Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Durham, NC Device: Every Kindle Ever Made & To Be Made!	More, more! These are great!

02-24-2010, 07:18 PM	#820
Katti's Cat Wizard Posts: 2,259 Karma: 175640 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Brisbane Australia Device: Sony PRS-600

02-25-2010, 04:14 PM	#822
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Royalty The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!" "Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch!"