Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 41

Format C: · 12-11-2009, 06:50 AM

The answer about life the universe and everything is not 42, it's in the post above.

Great post, nohmi2

benham · 12-11-2009, 03:05 PM

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHILE ON A BUDGET

1. Go to a second hand store and buy a pair of men's 14-16 work boots
2. Put them on your front porch along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo mag and several NRA mags.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots.
4. Leave a note on your porch that says-
Hey Bubba,

Big Jim, Duke, Slim and I went to the gun shop for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up pretty bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell with all the blood.
PS- I locked all 4 of them in the house. Better wait outside.

INSTALLATIN COMPLETE!

Lycoming · 12-12-2009, 02:49 PM

Wish I could think so quickly. . . .

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

mvisconte · 12-12-2009, 05:19 PM

An old jewish salesman walks up to a young man sitting on a bench near a park. The old man asks the young man, "hey, have you got a radio?"

Young man answers, "No radio, soap!"

Old man sez, "No soap, radio! Have you got a radio?"

Young man says "For what do I want, a radio?"

Old man sez, "Why, you should listen! You can't listen to the radio if you don't have a radio! I happen to have a nice radio. A very nice radio. See? Nice wood finish. You can't get that kind of wood these days... all plastic these days. See? Nice finish."

Young man says "I don't listen to no radio. I don't need no radio."

Old man sez "Hoy! When I was your age, that's all we DID was listen to the radio. I was RAISED by the radio. You! YOU should GET radio. You know, a radio will change your life."

Young man, "What? What do you mean, a radio will change my life?"

Old man: "Well, look at you here... sitting. In the park. You're alone. You know WHY you're alone?"

Young man: "Why?"

Old man: "No radio! See, if you had a radio, you could listen to it."

Young man: "What, I could listen to it by myself? Why, when I just want to sit here in quite, would I listen to a radio by myself?"

Old man: "But you see! If you had a radio, you have somebody pass by, and they'd hear the radio, and they'd stop for a minute. You'd both listen for a minute."

Young man: "A MINUTE!? I should buy a radio, for a MINUTE? What good does a MINUTE do me?"

Old man: "Well, you listen for a minute, and the passer listens for a minute, and you look at each other. You look at him, and you purse your lower lip, and you nod. Like this..."

Young man: "So, I nod. I don't know why, but I nod. So what?"

Old Man: "So, this man listens, and he sees you look at him, and he sees you nod. You're both listening. He sees you look at him, and nod, and HE nods. He can't help it. Human nature."

Young man: "He nods."

Old man: "Yes."

Young man: "?" (It's more a look than something he said")

Old man looks to the sky and rolls his eyes: "Yes. Now you both have something in common. He sees you, and he nods, and you're friends. Human nature. He can't help it, and now you and he have just nodded."

Young man: "And?"

Old man: "And then you listen some more, you nod a little -- just a little, like you're keeping up with the radio. He'll have to nod along with you. You both are nodding. And then, he'll say something."

Young man: "What'll he say?"

Old man: "WHAT DO I KNOW What he'll say!? You think I'm a fortune teller? The important thing is, you'll talk a little. Then, he'll ask you home for dinner."

Young man: "What? Why will he ask me home for dinner?"

Old man: "He KNOWS you now. He's listened, you've nodded. You're friends. So, he'll invite you for dinner. You're a young man. If he's older, he'll have a wife that will cook, and she'll have made dinner, and when he brings you home, she'll have to fix something special, quick, because she won't know who you are. You could be someone special, and she can't take a chance. So, because you have a radio, you get a good meal."

"So," says the young man, "What if he's not older?"

The old man smiles and winks "If he's younger, you are doing fine! When he takes you home, he'll have a sister, and SHE'll have to cook -- to impress you, just in case."

"What if she can't cook? WHAT IF SHE's UGLY!?" asks the young man.

"Well, you can always steal his girl, you know he'll have picked a good one." says the old man.

The young man thinks for a second then says, "I don't want it, it would ruin my life."

The old man says "RUIN your LIFE? Don't tell ME about life... What do you mean, ruin your life?"

Young man: "If I steal his girl, he'll no longer be my friend, and I have lost even before I've gained.
If I marry his girlfriend, she'll always wonder if she made a mistake. If I don't make as much as he does, she'll never let me hear the end of it -- I'll never get a moments rest. I'll have to work twice as hard, get up early Sundays, work late. I'll grow old faster, and she'll still be young. I'll die of a heart attack, she'll have my business, and it'll all be because of a radio. "
"If his sister is ugly, she'll be a good cook, but his mother will be very pushy, and we'll have to get married very soon, and I haven't even got a job. I'll have to take the first thing I get. I'll have to get TWO jobs. I won't want to have sex because she's ugly. I'll put on weight from the good cooking, and I'll have apoplexy and die.
"If his sister is good looking, then she'll have suitors, and we'll all have to compete. In order to win her hand, I'll have to show I'm a good earner. If I'm a good earner, then her mother will brag, and she'll want children. If we have children, I'll have to work harder, to get a larger house. When we're older, and the children are grown, then the mother-in-law will want to move in, and then she'll see how I really am, and she'll be pushy and carp all the time. I'll be totally miserable!"
"If the man is older, his wife will cook a good meal, and I'll eat and after, she'll start in with the questions. 'Who are your people? Where are they? What do you do? How long have you been there? Are you married? Do you have a girl friend? I know a girl, fine girl... nice personality, good cook...' I'll either have to get married, or make up a girl friend or they'll think I'm a fagala... I can't see this working out."

The old man thinks for a second and says "do you want to come home for some dinner?"

"Wait a minute!" says the young man, "This wasn't how this joke started!"

"Oy vey!" sez the old man. He sighs and says "OK, listen, I've got this wonderful radio. You should listen --Radio Israel, 1100 on the radio dial."

The young man looks pensive. "But what if I don't LIKE Radio Israel, 1100 on the radio dial?"

The old man looks left and right and lowers his voice, "Ok, for YOU, 1050. You can HAVE it for all I care."

mvisconte · 12-12-2009, 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by devilsadvocate

If you dream of beating someone up with a vibrator, would it be a mastur-battery fantasy?

I had a uncle who had a misunderstanding with a girl he was dating... got pulled into court for Rape, but got it reduced for Assault With a Friendly Weapon. Later, charges were dropped due to "insufficient evidence". And, she broke up with him.

Had another uncle. Used to be a flasher. Went to Chicago one winter. Settled for just describing himself to women.

He went to Florida. Went to a retirement home. Flash three old ladies sitting on a bench. The first one had a stroke. The second one had a stroke. The third one didn't want to have anything to do with him.

Ba-dum-bum.

pilotbob · 12-12-2009, 07:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mvisconte

The old man looks left and right and lowers his voice, "Ok, for YOU, 1050. You can HAVE it for all I care."

Ok, someones gonna have to explain this to me. Because I'm don't get it. Perhaps cause I'm not Jewish? Anyway... I read that whole long thing and deserve a good laugh now.

BOb

mvisconte · 12-12-2009, 08:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

Ok, someones gonna have to explain this to me. Because I'm don't get it. Perhaps cause I'm not Jewish? Anyway... I read that whole long thing and deserve a good laugh now.

I don't know if it'll get a good laugh!

The punchline refers to the practice of pushing a sale by letting the person buying think they're getting a special deal...

$20 for that "leather" purse? You don't want it? Well, for you, $14. No? $12. No. My final offer, $9, and I'm not making a cent (actually, I'm still making 7 dollars, but what do you know?)

"Moisha, Radio Israel, 1100 AM. For you, 1050!"

This retired Jewish man has a stand set up on one of the corners of New York. He stops a busy business man hurrying by and offers him a coin purse for sale.

As with some business men, recognizing another working mensh, and just wanting to get through, he said he'd buy it. "How much?"

"$125"

The business man stops full. "! ONE... HUNDRED? AND TWENTY FIVE!? Are you CRAZY?"

"Look," says the vendor, "I'm just retired, trying to scratch out a living... This is new to me, I'm a manufacturer now. I'm just trying to sell it for what it's worth."

"Why that much?"

"Look, here, it's a coin purse. Rub it. See? It's a wallet."

"Wow... that's... interesting. But still, $12---"

"Wait. Rub it again. Look, it's a purse."

"What?"

"Go ahead, rub it again... look, a brief case."

"That's AMAZING. What e-"

"Go ahead, you know you want... rub it, it's a carry-on bag."

"Damn! I'll take it! I can't wait to show my friends. Why are you retired? What did you used to do?"

"I was a mohel. This is made from leftovers."

Now THAT deserves a good laugh!

wodin · 12-12-2009, 08:47 PM

Uuhhh?

Nate the great · 12-12-2009, 08:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mvisconte

"Go ahead, you know you want... rub it, it's a carry-on bag."

"Damn! I'll take it! I can't wait to show my friends. Why are you retired? What did you used to do?"

"I was a mohen. This is made from leftovers."

Now THAT deserves a good laugh!

That one's terrible. I don't know what a mohen is, but I can guess.

pilotbob · 12-12-2009, 10:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nate the great

That one's terrible. I don't know what a mohen is, but I can guess.

I know what an mohel is?

BOb

mvisconte · 12-12-2009, 11:34 PM

Oy. BOb, you are correct. Nate, I mistyped.
mohel (moyel). Argh. I'm fixing it as we speak (figuratively).

OblJ:
First rule of holes:
When you find yourself stuck in one, quit digging.

pilotbob · 12-12-2009, 11:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mvisconte

Oy. BOb, you are correct. Nate, I mistyped.
mohel (moyel). Argh. I'm fixing it as we speak (figuratively).

BOb

kennyc · 12-13-2009, 06:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

I know what an mohel is?

BOb

I know what a mole is.

Jaime_Astorga · 12-13-2009, 11:49 AM

During the war on terror:

When the British shoot, the Taliban duck.

When the Taliban shoot, the British duck.

When the Americans shoot, EVERYBODY ducks.

pilotbob · 12-13-2009, 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jaime_Astorga

During the war on terror:

When the British shoot, the Taliban duck.

When the Taliban shoot, the British duck.

When the Americans shoot, EVERYBODY ducks.

I really don't think this is funny.

BOb

12-12-2009, 05:19 PM	#604
mvisconte pHilosopher kIng Posts: 208 Karma: 429751 Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: An imperfect world Device: Laptop, laptop, desktop, phone (HTC, HTC, Asus, Asus, LG rah!)	An old jewish salesman walks up to a young man sitting on a bench near a park. The old man asks the young man, "hey, have you got a radio?" Young man answers, "No radio, soap!" Old man sez, "No soap, radio! Have you got a radio?" Young man says "For what do I want, a radio?" Old man sez, "Why, you should listen! You can't listen to the radio if you don't have a radio! I happen to have a nice radio. A very nice radio. See? Nice wood finish. You can't get that kind of wood these days... all plastic these days. See? Nice finish." Young man says "I don't listen to no radio. I don't need no radio." Old man sez "Hoy! When I was your age, that's all we DID was listen to the radio. I was RAISED by the radio. You! YOU should GET radio. You know, a radio will change your life." Young man, "What? What do you mean, a radio will change my life?" Old man: "Well, look at you here... sitting. In the park. You're alone. You know WHY you're alone?" Young man: "Why?" Old man: "No radio! See, if you had a radio, you could listen to it." Young man: "What, I could listen to it by myself? Why, when I just want to sit here in quite, would I listen to a radio by myself?" Old man: "But you see! If you had a radio, you have somebody pass by, and they'd hear the radio, and they'd stop for a minute. You'd both listen for a minute." Young man: "A MINUTE!? I should buy a radio, for a MINUTE? What good does a MINUTE do me?" Old man: "Well, you listen for a minute, and the passer listens for a minute, and you look at each other. You look at him, and you purse your lower lip, and you nod. Like this..." Young man: "So, I nod. I don't know why, but I nod. So what?" Old Man: "So, this man listens, and he sees you look at him, and he sees you nod. You're both listening. He sees you look at him, and nod, and HE nods. He can't help it. Human nature." Young man: "He nods." Old man: "Yes." Young man: "?" (It's more a look than something he said") Old man looks to the sky and rolls his eyes: "Yes. Now you both have something in common. He sees you, and he nods, and you're friends. Human nature. He can't help it, and now you and he have just nodded." Young man: "And?" Old man: "And then you listen some more, you nod a little -- just a little, like you're keeping up with the radio. He'll have to nod along with you. You both are nodding. And then, he'll say something." Young man: "What'll he say?" Old man: "WHAT DO I KNOW What he'll say!? You think I'm a fortune teller? The important thing is, you'll talk a little. Then, he'll ask you home for dinner." Young man: "What? Why will he ask me home for dinner?" Old man: "He KNOWS you now. He's listened, you've nodded. You're friends. So, he'll invite you for dinner. You're a young man. If he's older, he'll have a wife that will cook, and she'll have made dinner, and when he brings you home, she'll have to fix something special, quick, because she won't know who you are. You could be someone special, and she can't take a chance. So, because you have a radio, you get a good meal." "So," says the young man, "What if he's not older?" The old man smiles and winks "If he's younger, you are doing fine! When he takes you home, he'll have a sister, and SHE'll have to cook -- to impress you, just in case." "What if she can't cook? WHAT IF SHE's UGLY!?" asks the young man. "Well, you can always steal his girl, you know he'll have picked a good one." says the old man. The young man thinks for a second then says, "I don't want it, it would ruin my life." The old man says "RUIN your LIFE? Don't tell ME about life... What do you mean, ruin your life?" Young man: "If I steal his girl, he'll no longer be my friend, and I have lost even before I've gained. If I marry his girlfriend, she'll always wonder if she made a mistake. If I don't make as much as he does, she'll never let me hear the end of it -- I'll never get a moments rest. I'll have to work twice as hard, get up early Sundays, work late. I'll grow old faster, and she'll still be young. I'll die of a heart attack, she'll have my business, and it'll all be because of a radio. " "If his sister is ugly, she'll be a good cook, but his mother will be very pushy, and we'll have to get married very soon, and I haven't even got a job. I'll have to take the first thing I get. I'll have to get TWO jobs. I won't want to have sex because she's ugly. I'll put on weight from the good cooking, and I'll have apoplexy and die. "If his sister is good looking, then she'll have suitors, and we'll all have to compete. In order to win her hand, I'll have to show I'm a good earner. If I'm a good earner, then her mother will brag, and she'll want children. If we have children, I'll have to work harder, to get a larger house. When we're older, and the children are grown, then the mother-in-law will want to move in, and then she'll see how I really am, and she'll be pushy and carp all the time. I'll be totally miserable!" "If the man is older, his wife will cook a good meal, and I'll eat and after, she'll start in with the questions. 'Who are your people? Where are they? What do you do? How long have you been there? Are you married? Do you have a girl friend? I know a girl, fine girl... nice personality, good cook...' I'll either have to get married, or make up a girl friend or they'll think I'm a fagala... I can't see this working out." The old man thinks for a second and says "do you want to come home for some dinner?" "Wait a minute!" says the young man, "This wasn't how this joke started!" "Oy vey!" sez the old man. He sighs and says "OK, listen, I've got this wonderful radio. You should listen --Radio Israel, 1100 on the radio dial." The young man looks pensive. "But what if I don't LIKE Radio Israel, 1100 on the radio dial?" The old man looks left and right and lowers his voice, "Ok, for YOU, 1050. You can HAVE it for all I care." Last edited by mvisconte; 12-12-2009 at 05:26 PM. Reason: I just realized, short jokes are not my long suit...

12-12-2009, 11:34 PM	#611
mvisconte pHilosopher kIng Posts: 208 Karma: 429751 Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: An imperfect world Device: Laptop, laptop, desktop, phone (HTC, HTC, Asus, Asus, LG rah!)	Oy. BOb, you are correct. Nate, I mistyped. mohel (moyel). Argh. I'm fixing it as we speak (figuratively). OblJ: First rule of holes: When you find yourself stuck in one, quit digging. Last edited by mvisconte; 12-12-2009 at 11:37 PM. Reason: Forgot to include the Obligatory Joke.

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12-11-2009, 06:50 AM	#601
Format C: Guru Posts: 753 Karma: 1496807 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: The Third World Device: iLiad + PRS-505 + Kindle 3	The answer about life the universe and everything is not 42, it's in the post above. Great post, nohmi2

12-11-2009, 03:05 PM	#602
benham Guru Posts: 882 Karma: 5565888 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Townsend, WI Device: Palm TX, PRS-505 (BLUE)	HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM WHILE ON A BUDGET 1. Go to a second hand store and buy a pair of men's 14-16 work boots 2. Put them on your front porch along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo mag and several NRA mags. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots. 4. Leave a note on your porch that says- Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke, Slim and I went to the gun shop for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up pretty bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell with all the blood. PS- I locked all 4 of them in the house. Better wait outside. INSTALLATIN COMPLETE!

12-12-2009, 02:49 PM	#603
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Wish I could think so quickly. . . . A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?' He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

12-12-2009, 08:47 PM	#608
wodin Illiterate Posts: 10,279 Karma: 37848716 Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: The Sandwich Isles Device: Samsung Galaxy S10+, Microsoft Surface Pro	Uuhhh?

12-13-2009, 11:49 AM	#614
Jaime_Astorga Member Retired Posts: 274 Karma: 4446 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Florida Device: PRS-350-SC: Sony Reader Pocket Edition	During the war on terror: When the British shoot, the Taliban duck. When the Taliban shoot, the British duck. When the Americans shoot, EVERYBODY ducks.