Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 36

kennyc · 11-11-2009, 08:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slite

I've seen those before... And they scare me in so many ways every time I see them.

Makes one wonder if Darwin really was right after all.

Of course he was!

kennyc · 11-11-2009, 08:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lady Blue

That reminds me of an incident at work about 25 years ago . . . the president of the company I was working for at the time had made his bi-weekly trip from the home office in Houston to our office in North Texas. He was "out in the wild" somewhere and was short of cash. He called me at the office and asked me to FAX him $20. TRUE.

I STILL don't know where he got the idea I'd even HAVE $20 with the wage he was paying me.

Peter Principle at work!

Slite · 11-11-2009, 08:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

Of course he was!

Mmm, possibly, or maybe Idiocracy wasn't a movie, it was a prophecy

WT Sharpe · 11-11-2009, 08:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

I can't believe you tried to scan a mirror...

How about the question "Why are there school?"

Wish I could remember the source, but after Pink Floyd released The Wall, a wit remarked, "We don't need no education? Actually, you do!"

kennyc · 11-11-2009, 08:31 AM

Is it Doughnut day yet?

Format C: · 11-11-2009, 09:20 AM

If you want to turn a computer in a mirrror, just buy an iMac and you're done...

Lycoming · 11-11-2009, 10:03 AM

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her
gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Lycoming · 11-11-2009, 10:04 AM

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)

WT Sharpe · 11-11-2009, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

... the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

And we have a winner!

vivaldirules · 11-12-2009, 03:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

Is it Doughnut day yet?

That's what I want to know. Is it?

kennyc · 11-12-2009, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vivaldirules

That's what I want to know. Is it?

Tomorrow is doughnut day here at work.

vivaldirules · 11-12-2009, 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kennyc

Tomorrow is doughnut day here at work.

I'm on the next train!

mores · 11-13-2009, 02:11 AM

Come on, people ... stick to the jokes. I get notifications and click on the link to get me a laugh, only to find more silly responses.

At least, end your silliness with something funny.

Is there a Santa Claus?

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle most Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% or the total--378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second topark,hop out of the sleigh,jump down the chimney,fill the stockings,distribute the remaining presents under the tree,eat whatever snacks have been left,get back up the chimney,get back into the sleigh, andmove on to the next house.Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the Earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison,the fastest man-made vehicle on Earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second--a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized leto set (2 pounds), the seligh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload -- not even counting the weight of the sleigh -- to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the cruise ship Queen Elizabeth II.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance -- this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecrafte reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneoudly, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to acceleration forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In Conclusion:If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

devilsadvocate · 11-13-2009, 03:53 AM

If you dream of beating someone up with a vibrator, would it be a mastur-battery fantasy?

Slite · 11-13-2009, 04:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by devilsadvocate

If you dream of beating someone up with a vibrator, would it be a mastur-battery fantasy?

*groan*

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11-11-2009, 08:31 AM	#530
kennyc The Dank Side of the Moon Posts: 35,903 Karma: 119230421 Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Denver, CO Device: Kindle2; Kindle Fire	Is it Doughnut day yet?

11-11-2009, 09:20 AM	#531
Format C: Guru Posts: 753 Karma: 1496807 Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: The Third World Device: iLiad + PRS-505 + Kindle 3	If you want to turn a computer in a mirrror, just buy an iMac and you're done...

11-11-2009, 10:03 AM	#532
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

11-11-2009, 10:04 AM	#533
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?' 'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?' The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.' (It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)

11-13-2009, 02:11 AM	#538
mores Guru Posts: 834 Karma: 102419 Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Vienna, Austria Device: iPhone	Come on, people ... stick to the jokes. I get notifications and click on the link to get me a laugh, only to find more silly responses. At least, end your silliness with something funny. Is there a Santa Claus? 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle most Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% or the total--378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second topark,hop out of the sleigh,jump down the chimney,fill the stockings,distribute the remaining presents under the tree,eat whatever snacks have been left,get back up the chimney,get back into the sleigh, andmove on to the next house.Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the Earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison,the fastest man-made vehicle on Earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second--a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized leto set (2 pounds), the seligh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload -- not even counting the weight of the sleigh -- to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the cruise ship Queen Elizabeth II. 5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance -- this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecrafte reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneoudly, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to acceleration forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In Conclusion:If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

11-13-2009, 03:53 AM	#539
devilsadvocate Complicated Warlock Posts: 677 Karma: 160970 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Madiganistan Device: HP Mini 1101, Droid X rooted, GTab rooted/VEGAnTAB Ginger Edition/CM7	If you dream of beating someone up with a vibrator, would it be a mastur-battery fantasy?