Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 34

Lycoming · 10-29-2009, 05:11 PM

Reference the chap talking in the forest.......

One afternoon, an older gentleman was driving down the freeway when all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, he was pulled over by a state trooper in hot pursuit.

The police officer strutted up to the driver's window and asked the old gentleman, "Sir, didn't you know that your wife had fallen out of your car about four or five miles back?"

The old driver exclaimed, "Thank Goodness! What a relief! I thought that I had gone deaf."

The reason the dog is known as man's best friend is probably because he gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws.

Eighty-year-old Bertha bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home with her fist clenched above her head. "Anybody that can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight."

An old man looked up from the pool table and said, "Umm, an elephant?"

Bertha thought about it for a second and said, "Close enough."

And finally......... in a move destined to aggravate the blondes amongst us, a blonde joke.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse

Lycoming · 10-29-2009, 05:46 PM

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

The seven dwarfs were in Rome to pay a visit to the Pope. When the Pope appeared Dopey said, "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"
The Pope replied, "No Dopey, no dwarf nuns in the Vatican".
"Well your Holiness" Dopey said, "Are there any dwarf nuns in Rome"?
"No Dopey" the Pope said "There are no dwarf nuns in Rome".
"Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world"? Dopey asked.
"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in the world" the Pope answered, "What's all this interest in dwarf nuns"?
Dopey looked over to where the other dwarves stood giggling and chanting; "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin"

desertgrandma · 10-29-2009, 05:59 PM

They can't hold their liquor...(that should be "shouldn't")

wodin · 10-29-2009, 06:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by roger the rabbit

Figures!!

Yup!!

badgoodDeb · 10-29-2009, 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Eighty-year-old Bertha bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home with her fist clenched above her head. "Anybody that can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight."

An old man looked up from the pool table and said, "Umm, an elephant?"

Bertha thought about it for a second and said, "Close enough."

Good one!

yvanleterrible · 10-29-2009, 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lycoming

Question:
If a man is in the forest and says anything with no woman around, is he still wrong?

Quote:

Originally Posted by mores

Oh, so true ...

Quote:

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

Actually, if you are waiting for an answer: Yes, of course he is still wrong!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xenophon

Unless what he was saying is "Yes, dear!"

Xenophon

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShortNCuddlyAm

Nah - he's prolly saying that to the wrong thing

Men are born wrong, doesn't anybody know that?

(Shut up Yvan. ...Yes dear...)

pilotbob · 10-29-2009, 09:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yvanleterrible

Men are born wrong, doesn't anybody know that?

(Shut up Yvan. ...Yes dear...)

He's back.

BOb

WT Sharpe · 10-29-2009, 11:03 PM

This is a true story. Sometimes the old punch-lines are the best – especially when someone sets you up so perfectly!

One day I was on an elevator that was so crowded, no one could move a muscle. We were quite literally packed in like sardines. I was carrying a briefcase, and was flush against the rear wall. A woman was in front of me and my briefcase was jabbing her in the back of her thigh. I felt bad, but there was nothing I could do about it as there was no room to maneuver. Finally I said, “Ma’am, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be jabbing my briefcase into your leg like that.”

She said, “That’s NOT my leg.”

I said, “That’s alright. That’s not my briefcase.”

The elevator exploded with laughter.

pilotbob · 10-29-2009, 11:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

This is a true story.

Yes, we know.

BOb

pilotbob · 11-02-2009, 11:04 AM

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
>
> Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him..
>
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
>
>
> Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
>
>
>
>
> FASTER...
>
>
>
> FASTER...
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
>
> BUMP....
>
>
>
> He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
>
>
> clappity-BUMP...
>
>
>
> clappity-BUMP...
>
>
> clappity-BUMP...
>
>
> on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
>
>
>
> Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
>
>
>
> With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Bumping and clapping toward him.
>
>
>
>
>
> The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
>
>
> and,
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The coffin stops

rebarnmom · 11-02-2009, 11:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

> The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
>
> and,

> The coffin stops

(groans... didn't see that one coming!) I will have to pass that one along to my daughter who loves telling jokes!

pdurrant · 11-02-2009, 11:25 AM

Arghh... too many >

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
> BUMP...
>
>
>
>
>
[snip]

pilotbob · 11-02-2009, 11:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pdurrant

Arghh... too many >

They are supposed to build suspense. Didn't they make it more scary.

BOb

Lady Blue · 11-02-2009, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

>
>
>
> The coffin stops

The suspense was killing me . . . then . . .

Name: groan.gif
Views: 516
Size: 1.7 KB

ShortNCuddlyAm · 11-02-2009, 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

> The coffin stops

:groan:

10-29-2009, 05:59 PM	#498
desertgrandma Enjoying the show.... Posts: 14,270 Karma: 10462843 Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Arizona Device: A K1, Kindle Paperwhite, an Ipod, IPad2, Iphone, an Ipad Mini & macAir	Why you should give liquor to a pumpkin........ They can't hold their liquor...(that should be "shouldn't") Attached Thumbnails

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10-29-2009, 05:11 PM	#496
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	Reference the chap talking in the forest....... One afternoon, an older gentleman was driving down the freeway when all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, he was pulled over by a state trooper in hot pursuit. The police officer strutted up to the driver's window and asked the old gentleman, "Sir, didn't you know that your wife had fallen out of your car about four or five miles back?" The old driver exclaimed, "Thank Goodness! What a relief! I thought that I had gone deaf." The reason the dog is known as man's best friend is probably because he gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws. Eighty-year-old Bertha bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home with her fist clenched above her head. "Anybody that can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight." An old man looked up from the pool table and said, "Umm, an elephant?" Bertha thought about it for a second and said, "Close enough." And finally......... in a move destined to aggravate the blondes amongst us, a blonde joke. A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse

10-29-2009, 05:46 PM	#497
Lycoming Capt Chaos II Posts: 483 Karma: 33043007 Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: Cornwall, UK Device: iPad2	An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch some chickens." "You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of duct tape." "What you gonna do with that?" "Gonna catch me some ducks." "You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "It's a pussy willow." "Wait up...I'll get my hat." The seven dwarfs were in Rome to pay a visit to the Pope. When the Pope appeared Dopey said, "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?" The Pope replied, "No Dopey, no dwarf nuns in the Vatican". "Well your Holiness" Dopey said, "Are there any dwarf nuns in Rome"? "No Dopey" the Pope said "There are no dwarf nuns in Rome". "Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world"? Dopey asked. "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in the world" the Pope answered, "What's all this interest in dwarf nuns"? Dopey looked over to where the other dwarves stood giggling and chanting; "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin"

10-29-2009, 11:03 PM	#503
WT Sharpe Bah, humbug! Posts: 39,072 Karma: 157049943 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Chesapeake, VA, USA Device: Kindle Oasis, iPad Pro, & a Samsung Galaxy S9.	This is a true story. Sometimes the old punch-lines are the best – especially when someone sets you up so perfectly! One day I was on an elevator that was so crowded, no one could move a muscle. We were quite literally packed in like sardines. I was carrying a briefcase, and was flush against the rear wall. A woman was in front of me and my briefcase was jabbing her in the back of her thigh. I felt bad, but there was nothing I could do about it as there was no room to maneuver. Finally I said, “Ma’am, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be jabbing my briefcase into your leg like that.” She said, “That’s NOT my leg.” I said, “That’s alright. That’s not my briefcase.” The elevator exploded with laughter.

11-02-2009, 11:04 AM	#505
pilotbob Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,832 Karma: 11844413 Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Tampa, FL USA Device: Kindle Touch	A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears: > > > BUMP... > > > > BUMP... > > > > BUMP... > > > > > Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.. > > > > BUMP... > > > > > BUMP... > > > > > BUMP... > > > > > > Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. > > > > > FASTER... > > > > FASTER... > > > > > BUMP... > > > > > BUMP... > > > > > BUMP.... > > > > He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping. > > > clappity-BUMP... > > > > clappity-BUMP... > > > clappity-BUMP... > > > on his heels, as the terrified man runs. > > > > Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. > > > > With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. > > > > > > > > > > Bumping and clapping toward him. > > > > > > The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... > > > and, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > The coffin stops