Thirty - WIP - comments wanted - Page 2

Moejoe · 08-13-2009, 07:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nomesque

Just to make things worse -

I reckon stay in present tense for the dream sequences :-)

(seriously)

I read a great article recently - by a judge in a short story contest. She? was basically saying that it's not keeping to all the 'rules' that makes a piece great - it's when and how the author broke the rules.

I'd agree totally. You can never really know what you're doing, and that's usually the best writing time

Kess · 08-13-2009, 07:47 PM

I think that present tense can work really well. Most readers prefer to read in past tense (mostly because that's what they're used to). But having short sections in present tense can be very effective too.

It's hard to tell how this piece fits into the rest without seeing more of it. If you're intending to have short sequences in the longer narrative in present tense (as you seem to), then it should work fine. I'd suggest putting up more of the prologue/first chapter to give us some context to work with; then we'll be able to give you more accurate feedback.

Hope that helps!

~Kess / Mel

ravenlife · 08-14-2009, 04:53 AM

I think I will leave it as it is for now and write it as I was intending, like you say it will either work with the rest of the narrative or it won’t, but I can hardly try to guess which it will be until I get further into the writing.

Should get quite a way into it over this weekend as I’ve set myself a target of atleast 4 hours per day in front of the computer. Whether I actually get 4 hours of writing is debatable, last night I sat there for an hour and wrote 1 line

appreciate all the feedback, i'll post when I have more

ravenlife · 08-14-2009, 01:01 PM

Updated the original post with the first part of chapter 1

it is as it was written and hasn't been edited at all (figured i'd edit when i'm done)

HarryT · 08-16-2009, 08:07 AM

The punctuation needs some work. Comments in-line:

Quote:

A cool summer breeze drifts across the moonlit courtyard, [this is a break in the sentence - it should be a semi-colon, or even a full stop] he crosses the wide space heading for the darkened porch, pebbles crunching under foot. He pauses before the aging door. This place is eerie, not known to him before tonight, yet it feels oddly familiar and somewhat comforting. This is not the reason he pauses, as he has become used to oddly familiar. It is because he knows somehow in his heart that she will be waiting for him. He does not pause out of fear [need some punctuation here - a dash would be good] it is because he knows that he will leave the moment his eyes meet hers, whether that is his intention or not. Glancing at the reflection in the darkened glass, [get rid of the comma] that is not his own, he brushes off an almost imperceptible speck of dust from his shirt and turns the cold iron handle.

Correct punctuation is important - it defines the way the entire piece "reads".

I have no problem with the present tense for the "dream sequence" by the way; I think it works well.

ravenlife · 08-16-2009, 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HarryT

The punctuation needs some work. Comments in-line:

Correct punctuation is important - it defines the way the entire piece "reads".

I have no problem with the present tense for the "dream sequence" by the way; I think it works well.

Thanks for this Harry, I know that I need a lot of work on punctuation as well as spelling (which isn't as evident here)

I am just about to start a course though

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08-13-2009, 07:47 PM	#17
Kess Enthusiast Posts: 48 Karma: 500830 Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Australia Device: none	I think that present tense can work really well. Most readers prefer to read in past tense (mostly because that's what they're used to). But having short sections in present tense can be very effective too. It's hard to tell how this piece fits into the rest without seeing more of it. If you're intending to have short sequences in the longer narrative in present tense (as you seem to), then it should work fine. I'd suggest putting up more of the prologue/first chapter to give us some context to work with; then we'll be able to give you more accurate feedback. Hope that helps! ~Kess / Mel

08-14-2009, 04:53 AM	#18
ravenlife Connoisseur Posts: 55 Karma: 499658 Join Date: Nov 2008 Device: PRS505	I think I will leave it as it is for now and write it as I was intending, like you say it will either work with the rest of the narrative or it won’t, but I can hardly try to guess which it will be until I get further into the writing. Should get quite a way into it over this weekend as I’ve set myself a target of atleast 4 hours per day in front of the computer. Whether I actually get 4 hours of writing is debatable, last night I sat there for an hour and wrote 1 line appreciate all the feedback, i'll post when I have more

08-14-2009, 01:01 PM	#19
ravenlife Connoisseur Posts: 55 Karma: 499658 Join Date: Nov 2008 Device: PRS505	Updated the original post with the first part of chapter 1 it is as it was written and hasn't been edited at all (figured i'd edit when i'm done)