Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 20

doreenjoy · 06-11-2009, 02:27 AM

"I once had a rose bush named after me and was very flattered, until I read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.'"

Eleanor Roosevelt

doreenjoy · 06-11-2009, 02:31 AM

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?

She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

doreenjoy · 06-11-2009, 02:35 AM

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, "Take what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

doreenjoy · 06-11-2009, 02:38 AM

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.

The architect said he wanted to spend time with a wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he prefered having a mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I want to have both. If you have both a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get more work done."

zelda_pinwheel · 06-11-2009, 08:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RWood

Zelda, shame on you. You know perfectly well that that was Harv's application where he was claiming to do all the stuff that Hugo and Lefty did with a few of Red's adventures thrown in for balance.

I am surprised that he left out llama races across the Gobi or prospecting in the Sea of Tranquility.

far be it from me to compromise the cover of one of our top incognito agents !! (heard about something hilarious / genius / amazing lately ? it was harv ! or vera ! or possibly VR, the talking canine sidekick ! or if it had a funny accent and spoke almost entirely in colloquialisms, it was Red !)

Quote:

Originally Posted by doreenjoy

"I once had a rose bush named after me and was very flattered, until I read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.'"

Eleanor Roosevelt

Quote:

Originally Posted by doreenjoy

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.

The architect said he wanted to spend time with a wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he prefered having a mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I want to have both. If you have both a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get more work done."

2

pshrynk · 06-11-2009, 09:05 AM

What makes a mobile home mobile?

Tornadoes.

benham · 06-11-2009, 10:45 AM

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the
wrong answers.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in
the correct screw.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's
life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if
there are men on base.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I
realized that I had no character.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

And the all-time favorite . . .
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I
repeat myself.

Verencat · 06-11-2009, 12:04 PM

Budget Alternative
Dear Mr. Harper,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing Canada's economy.
Instead of giving billions of dollars to the car industry that will squander
the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them 1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new CAR. Ten million cars ordered - Automotive Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing and Mortgage Crisis fixed.
4) They must send their kids to school / college / university - Crime rate fixed.
5) Buy $50 of alcohol/gas a week - there's your money back in duty / tax etc.
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.

Nate the great · 06-11-2009, 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Verencat

Budget Alternative
Dear Mr. Harper,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing Canada's economy.
Instead of giving billions of dollars to the car industry that will squander
the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them 1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new CAR. Ten million cars ordered - Automotive Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing and Mortgage Crisis fixed.
4) They must send their kids to school / college / university - Crime rate fixed.
5) Buy $50 of alcohol/gas a week - there's your money back in duty / tax etc.
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.

Does the Canadian government have 10 trillion CAD to spare?
(10,000,000 x 1,000,000 = 10,000,000,000,000)

Verencat · 06-11-2009, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nate the great

Does the Canadian government have 10 trillion CAD to spare?
(10,000,000 x 1,000,000 = 10,000,000,000,000)

They just have to borrow a little from me, and everything's good!

columbus · 06-11-2009, 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Verencat;

Budget Alternative
Dear Mr. Harper,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing Canada's economy.

snip

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.

And there's me thinking that only the UK had thieving dishonest politicians.

Time to revolt people.

Bilbo1967 · 06-11-2009, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by columbus

Time to revolt people.

I suppose I could pick my nose in public, that would revolt people

Verencat · 06-11-2009, 12:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bilbo1967

I suppose I could pick my nose in public, that would revolt people

Cr*p, I'm out of Karma!
Consider you virtually karma'd!

columbus · 06-11-2009, 12:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bilbo1967;

I suppose I could pick my nose in public, that would revolt people

Ok OK you want to be pedantic-

Time for the "revolution" people

ShortNCuddlyAm · 06-11-2009, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by columbus

Ok OK you want to be pedantic-

Time for the "revolution" people

There used to be some grafitti at Kennington station a few years back that read "Evolution now!"

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06-11-2009, 02:27 AM	#286
doreenjoy 01000100 01001010 Posts: 1,889 Karma: 2400000 Join Date: Mar 2009 Device: Polyamorous	"I once had a rose bush named after me and was very flattered, until I read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.'" Eleanor Roosevelt

06-11-2009, 02:31 AM	#287
doreenjoy 01000100 01001010 Posts: 1,889 Karma: 2400000 Join Date: Mar 2009 Device: Polyamorous	Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

06-11-2009, 02:35 AM	#288
doreenjoy 01000100 01001010 Posts: 1,889 Karma: 2400000 Join Date: Mar 2009 Device: Polyamorous	Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

06-11-2009, 02:38 AM	#289
doreenjoy 01000100 01001010 Posts: 1,889 Karma: 2400000 Join Date: Mar 2009 Device: Polyamorous	An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress. The architect said he wanted to spend time with a wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he prefered having a mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I want to have both. If you have both a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get more work done."

06-11-2009, 09:05 AM	#291
pshrynk Beepbeep n beebeep, yeah! Posts: 11,726 Karma: 8255450 Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: La Crosse, Wisconsin, aka America's IceBox Device: iThingie, KmkII, I miss Zelda!	What makes a mobile home mobile? Tornadoes.

06-11-2009, 10:45 AM	#292
benham Guru Posts: 882 Karma: 5565888 Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Townsend, WI Device: Palm TX, PRS-505 (BLUE)	I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. Sacred cows make the best hamburger. And the all-time favorite . . . Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

06-11-2009, 12:04 PM	#293
Verencat Wizard Posts: 2,615 Karma: 96491 Join Date: May 2009 Location: Montreal, Qc Device: xxx	Budget Alternative Dear Mr. Harper, Please find below my suggestion for fixing Canada's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to the car industry that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan: There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them 1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations: 1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - Unemployment fixed. 2) They MUST buy a new CAR. Ten million cars ordered - Automotive Industry fixed. 3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing and Mortgage Crisis fixed. 4) They must send their kids to school / college / university - Crime rate fixed. 5) Buy $50 of alcohol/gas a week - there's your money back in duty / tax etc. It can't get any easier than that! P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances.