Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[Alphapheemail]

Originally Posted by RWood

It seems that the Jolly Green Giant's son got in trouble recently. He was addicted to Internet corn.

i thought he got arrested for weed possesion...

[doreenjoy]

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot ran back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

"I'm the smartest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak to the Pizza delivery boy. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

"You don't have to do that, replied the pizza delivery guy. "Bill Gates just jumped out with my backpack!"

[dreams]

Originally Posted by doreenjoy

"Bill Gates just jumped out with my backpack!"

[doreenjoy]

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging speech to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes.

Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."

[nohmi2]

Originally Posted by doreenjoy

Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

~
~
~

A: Homeless.

This might give you a giggle.

ACTUAL INSTRUCTIONS TO THE ORCHESTRA FROM PROFESSIONAL CONDUCTORS.
from E-Tales Two.

"Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato."

"Pianissismo doesn't mean 'Drop the f... out."

"Listen to the tune, and accompany it in a non-disgraceful fashion."

"Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo-like way."

"It's very hard to raise money for something that sounds like this does."

"You know, there's a fine line between artistry and s..t. Not that what you're doing is s..t, but it's close to it."

"Imagine you're getting enough money for what you do."

"Not so bright. It sounds like 'Orpheus in His Underwear."

"Play short, especially if you don't know where you are."

"That was a drive-by viola solo."

"There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them."

"You're all wondering what speed it's going to go. Well, so am I."

"Play as if you were musicians."

"Now forget all the nasty things I said and play naturally."

Cheers

[dreams]

Originally Posted by doreenjoy

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

Over the years, I've found this one to be the most useful.

[pdurrant]

Mark, Ted and Pete work for a new tech company, and are driving to a meeting with a potential customer, who's located up in the mountains.

Ted, the hardware guy, is driving, when suddenly the car stops responding to the steering wheel. The car veers towards the edge of the road as he brakes, but he's not going to be able to stop before they go go off the side of the road and down the mountainside. Luckily, the steering starts working again just in time, and they screech to a halt at the edge of the cliff.

After such a narrow escape, they get out of the car and discuss what to do next.

Ted says, "Well, I could just open up the bonnet and take a look - it might be something obvious that I can fix."

Mark, the manager, say "No, we'd better just call the RAC, and get it towed."

Pete, the programmer says, "No, there's no need to do any of that. The problem's gone away now, so we can just drive on, and see if we can reproduce the conditions under which the problem occurs."

[Sparrow]

Originally Posted by nohmi2

This might give you a giggle.

ACTUAL INSTRUCTIONS TO THE ORCHESTRA FROM PROFESSIONAL CONDUCTORS.

Sir Thomas Beecham was a conductor with a wicked sense of humour, some of his quips:-

Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.

Here are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn’t give a damn what goes on in between.

To a lady cellist - “Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands - and all you can do is scratch it”

[nohmi2]

Originally Posted by Sparrow

Sir Thomas Beecham was a conductor with a wicked sense of humour, some of his quips:-

Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.

Here are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn’t give a damn what goes on in between.

To a lady cellist - “Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands - and all you can do is scratch it”

Sitting on a fortune.

Cheers

[doreenjoy]

Originally Posted by nohmi2

This might give you a giggle.

ACTUAL INSTRUCTIONS TO THE ORCHESTRA FROM PROFESSIONAL CONDUCTORS.

Loved those! I can believe they are actual quotes, too. Thanks.

[nohmi2]

UNIVERSITY APPLICATION. e-tales two.

What follows is a real application from a prospective student for a place at Southampton University.
His application was apparently successful.
____________________________

In order for the admissions staff of our University to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:
Q: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realised, that have helped to define you as a person?
____________________________

A: I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award winning operas, and manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute Brownies in twenty minutes.
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handed;y defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I'm bored, I build suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang-gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical applieances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics world-wide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. I once read 'Paradise Lost', 'Moby Dick' and 'David Copperfield' in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining-room that evening.
I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics do not aply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But, I have not yet gone to this University.

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by nohmi2

UNIVERSITY APPLICATION. e-tales two.

What follows is a real application from a prospective student for a place at Southampton University.
His application was apparently successful.
____________________________

In order for the admissions staff of our University to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:
Q: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realised, that have helped to define you as a person?
____________________________

A: I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award winning operas, and manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute Brownies in twenty minutes.
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handed;y defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I'm bored, I build suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang-gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical applieances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics world-wide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. I once read 'Paradise Lost', 'Moby Dick' and 'David Copperfield' in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining-room that evening.
I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics do not aply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But, I have not yet gone to this University.

i've seen that one before. it's funny every time i read it. (i wonder if that guy is hanging around the lounge these days. )

[RWood]

Originally Posted by zelda_pinwheel

i've seen that one before. it's funny every time i read it. (i wonder if that guy is hanging around the lounge these days. )

Zelda, shame on you. You know perfectly well that that was Harv's application where he was claiming to do all the stuff that Hugo and Lefty did with a few of Red's adventures thrown in for balance.

I am surprised that he left out llama races across the Gobi or prospecting in the Sea of Tranquility.

[benham]

How did it take so long for me to find this thread? I've been here 3 or 4 days already!

[Verencat]

Originally Posted by benham

How did it take so long for me to find this thread? I've been here 3 or 4 days already!

Took me 2 weeks, then I read it all, laughed so much it hurt and gave karma until I couldn't anymore.
Rebarnmom deserved to get some at least 50 times!

Now you joke posters, pursue!