Unutterably Silly Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day

[ShortNCuddlyAm]

Not sure if this has been posted before...

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, Welshman, vicar, nun, bloke with a crocodile, a talking horse, a duck, a blonde woman, a brunette woman, a redhaired woman all walk into a pub.

The barman looks at them all and asks "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[columbus]

Originally Posted by ShortNCuddlyAm;

Not sure if this has been posted before...

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, Welshman, vicar, nun, bloke with a crocodile, a talking horse, a duck, a blonde woman, a brunette woman, a redhaired woman all walk into a pub.

The barman looks at them all and asks "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Har!! - you forgot the Chicken looking for a 'book book'!

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by ShortNCuddlyAm

Not sure if this has been posted before...

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, Welshman, vicar, nun, bloke with a crocodile, a talking horse, a duck, a blonde woman, a brunette woman, a redhaired woman all walk into a pub.

The barman looks at them all and asks "What is this, some kind of joke?"

i'm sending that one to my cousin.

[acprinter]

What happened to the Duck who flew upside down?

He quacked up.

[Over]

The mechanic to his client:
- I couldn't fix the brakes, so I've upgraded the horn.

[Over]

- Hey, do you wanna do magic sex?
- What's a magic sex?
- Well, we do sex and then you disappear.

[Over]

One last joke:


In a clinic, late afternoon, bad news:
- Madam, you only have 6 hours left to live. I'm sorry.
Desperately, the woman leaves the clinic and rushes to home where she finds her husband. After telling the bad news, they decide to spend the little time they have left making love. They do it once and she asks again. They do it again. She asks a third time and the husband replies:
- Oh, that's enough! I have to wake up early tomorrow, you don't!!

[columbus]

An old one I know, (Don't know if it has been posted here yet)

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him £5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her £50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him £5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde £50.00

The blonde put the £50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him £5.

[rebarnmom]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...


Now give me back my dog.

[columbus]

Originally Posted by ShortNCuddlyAm;

Not sure if this has been posted before...

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, Welshman, vicar, nun, bloke with a crocodile, a talking horse, a duck, a blonde woman, a brunette woman, a redhaired woman all walk into a pub.

The barman looks at them all and asks "What is this, some kind of joke?"

I know this reply is a bit late but I just saw this photo.

[columbus]

Has everybody given up`on the frivolity?

Here's another


The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, 'You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair'

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

[Bilbo1967]

Usain Bolt decides to take up golf and travels to the Augusta course in Georgia:

"I'd like to join please" he says
"I'm sorry, we don't accept membership applications from your sort" replies the membership secretary, "But there's a public course 10 minutes walk away".
"But I'm Usain Bolt!"
"Oh, sorry, 5 minutes away then"

[jinlo]

What do you call a Norwegian reindeer?

Svenison

[jinlo]

What do you call alien droppings?

X-Piles

[RWood]

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern Society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the Winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is The coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is Going to Be quite cold indeed,' the weather man Responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more Wood.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service Again replied, 'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.'

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.

'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to Be very cold?'

'Absolutely, ' The Man replied. 'It's going to be one of the Coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like Crazy.'

This is how stock markets work!!!