Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 775

DNSB · 03-17-2022, 04:11 PM

An Attorney and a Doctor in court...

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

Doctor: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

drjd · 03-18-2022, 05:48 AM

A man visits his doctor and says, "Doctor, I keep seeing green Martians before my eyes."

The doctor asks, "Have you seen a psychiatrist?"

The patient says, "No, only green Martians!"

DNSB · 03-18-2022, 04:07 PM

My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried — I think she’s jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf

drjd · 03-20-2022, 05:23 AM

Frank hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown!"

"Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue, either!"

DNSB · 03-20-2022, 03:56 PM

A husband and wife are sitting at a table at her twentieth high-school reunion.

There is an incredibly drunk man slumped over at the table across from them.

“Do you know that guy?” the husband asks.

“Yes,” the wife replies somberly. “That’s my ex-boyfriend. He started drinking right after we broke up and hasn’t been sober since.”

“Good God,” the husband replies. “Who knew it was possible to celebrate for that long?”

drjd · 03-23-2022, 04:46 AM

What do you call a dog that won’t come when you call it, refuses to sleep in it’s bed, and seldom wants to play?

A cat.

Bookpossum · 03-23-2022, 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drjd

What do you call a dog that won’t come when you call it, refuses to sleep in it’s bed, and seldom wants to play?

A cat.

And is always on the wrong side of the door!

Adoby · 03-25-2022, 08:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookpossum

And is always on the wrong side of the door!

I know a cat that is certain weather outside is tied to the door. If it is raining the cat wants to check carefully to see if the sun is not shining outside one door, before it goes out.

Bookpossum · 03-26-2022, 02:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Adoby

I know a cat that is certain weather outside is tied to the door. If it is raining the cat wants to check carefully to see if the sun is not shining outside one door, before it goes out.

You just never know! After all the rain shower might stop in the middle of the roof and the sun be shining on the other side of the house.

pdurrant · 03-26-2022, 04:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Adoby

I know a cat that is certain weather outside is tied to the door. If it is raining the cat wants to check carefully to see if the sun is not shining outside one door, before it goes out.

c.f. The Door Into Summer by Robert A Heinlein. The protagonist has a cat, Pete.

"[...]Pete would check his own door, refuse to go out of it because of that unpleasant white stuff beyond it (he was no fool), then badger me to open a people door.

He had a fixed conviction that at least one of them must lead into summer weather. Each time this meant that I had to go around with him to each of eleven doors, hold it open while he satisfied himself that it was winter out that way, too, then go on to the next door, while his criticisms of my mismanagement grew more bitter with each disappointment."

DNSB · 03-26-2022, 08:25 PM

The ways departments grade final exams

Dept of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept of Religion: Grade is determined by God.

Dept of Philosophy: What is a grade?

Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Dept of Physical Education: Everybody gets an A.

badgoodDeb · 03-27-2022, 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DNSB

The ways departments grade final exams

Dept of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept of Religion: Grade is determined by God.

Dept of Philosophy: What is a grade?

Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Dept of Physical Education: Everybody gets an A.

Last one’s wrong — Phys Ed was my only C grade!

cromag · 03-29-2022, 01:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DNSB

The ways departments grade final exams

...

Dept of Physical Education: Everybody gets an A.

When I was in high school my gym teacher called me in to his office and told me that he would be away next week and it would be my responsibility to take attendance in his absence. He warned me to be careful, because anyone who was not marked absent and did not have a valid excuse on file in the main office would get a week of administrative detention -- the most serious disciplinary action short of suspension.

I was surprised, because that particular teacher and I had never gotten along together very well.

When he returned to school after his week off he called me in to his office. He pointed to the attendance sheet and noted that I was not marked "present" on the sheet. I argued that I had taken the attendance and signed the sheet so I had to have been there.

No good.

I had not marked myself as "present" on the attendance sheet.

He sent me to administrative detention for a week.

I think he wanted to teach me a lesson, but I think the lesson I learned was not the one he intended.

drjd · 04-05-2022, 05:05 AM

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah... thank you.

DNSB · 04-05-2022, 12:33 PM

A biological survey team based in Washington State University were studying the migratory habits of crows, so they caught a number of the birds in several states, tagged them with a metal tag marked WASH. BIOL. SURV. along with a box number and serial number, and released them.

After a while they received the following letter in slightly shaky handwriting:

*Dear sirs, Yesterday I shot one of yer crows an give it to mah wife to cook. Followin yer instructions, she washed it, bioled it an surved it. It was the worst thing we ever et.

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03-17-2022, 04:11 PM	#11611
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,929 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	An Attorney and a Doctor in court... Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? Doctor: No. Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure? Doctor: No. Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? Doctor: No. Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor? Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? Doctor: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

03-18-2022, 05:48 AM	#11612
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A man visits his doctor and says, "Doctor, I keep seeing green Martians before my eyes." The doctor asks, "Have you seen a psychiatrist?" The patient says, "No, only green Martians!"

03-18-2022, 04:07 PM	#11613
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,929 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried — I think she’s jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf

03-20-2022, 05:23 AM	#11614
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Frank hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown!" "Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue, either!"

03-20-2022, 03:56 PM	#11615
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,929 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A husband and wife are sitting at a table at her twentieth high-school reunion. There is an incredibly drunk man slumped over at the table across from them. “Do you know that guy?” the husband asks. “Yes,” the wife replies somberly. “That’s my ex-boyfriend. He started drinking right after we broke up and hasn’t been sober since.” “Good God,” the husband replies. “Who knew it was possible to celebrate for that long?”

03-23-2022, 04:46 AM	#11616
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	What do you call a dog that won’t come when you call it, refuses to sleep in it’s bed, and seldom wants to play? A cat.

03-26-2022, 08:25 PM	#11621
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,929 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	The ways departments grade final exams Dept of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. Dept of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind. Dept of History: All students get the same grade they got last year. Dept of Religion: Grade is determined by God. Dept of Philosophy: What is a grade? Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A. Dept of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A. Dept of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade. Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). Dept of Physical Education: Everybody gets an A.

04-05-2022, 05:05 AM	#11624
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Customer: I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah... thank you.

04-05-2022, 12:33 PM	#11625
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 46,929 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	A biological survey team based in Washington State University were studying the migratory habits of crows, so they caught a number of the birds in several states, tagged them with a metal tag marked WASH. BIOL. SURV. along with a box number and serial number, and released them. After a while they received the following letter in slightly shaky handwriting: *Dear sirs, Yesterday I shot one of yer crows an give it to mah wife to cook. Followin yer instructions, she washed it, bioled it an surved it. It was the worst thing we ever et.