Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 749

drjd · 12-09-2020, 09:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DNSB

A honeymooning couple purchased a talking parrot on their vacation and took it to their room, but the bridegroom became annoyed with the bird when it kept up a running commentary on his lovemaking skills. Finally he threw a towel over the cage and threatened to give the bird to the zoo if it didn't stay quiet.

Early the next morning, packing to return home, they couldn't close a large suitcase.

"You get on top and I'll try," the groom instructed. But that didn't work.

The new bride figured they must need more weight on top of the suitcase to shut it. "Darling, YOU get on top and I'll try."

Still no success. Finally the annoyed groom said, "Look, let's both get on top."

At that point the parrot used his beak to pull the towel off the cage and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I gotta see!"

drjd · 12-09-2020, 09:48 AM

What is a committee?
A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

DNSB · 12-09-2020, 07:52 PM

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in the USA but if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.

drjd · 12-10-2020, 04:43 AM

What do you call a worker in America that will work hard for reasonable pay and never whine?

An immigrant.

DNSB · 12-10-2020, 11:42 AM

The race for quality has no finish line – so technically, it's more like a death march.

timebug · 12-11-2020, 04:13 AM

Beautiful blonde asked the barman in the cocktail lounge for a 'Double Entendre'.
So he gave her one.....

drjd · 12-11-2020, 05:28 AM

Puns should be banned in schools: they're a dolt humour.

DNSB · 12-11-2020, 12:21 PM

Other people's puns should be classified as cruel and unusual punishment.

drjd · 12-12-2020, 04:37 AM

A young Asian mother had just given birth to a baby boy. Her name was Ting. When her husband, his name is Wong, arrived to see the newborn, the Nurse brought in a Blond Haired Blue Eyed baby boy.

The Nurse said, "How do you like you new son, do you have a name for him yet?"

Wong looked at his wife Ting and then at the Nurse. "Yes," he said, "I name him SUM TING WONG."

DNSB · 12-12-2020, 08:55 PM

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Laundry." "Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?"

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?'

The old man answered, "Ah...Evleebody ask me that. It name of owner."

Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"

"It me," replies the old man.

"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"

"Is simple", said the old man. Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name?"

He say, "Moishe Plotnik."

Then she look at me and say, "What your name?"

I say, "Sam Ting."

drjd · 12-13-2020, 04:23 AM

You know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles.

DNSB · 12-13-2020, 12:03 PM

Horatio Bottomley (British politician and co-founder of the Financial Times) was in prison for fraud in the 1920s. On one occasion, so the story goes, he was visited by a chaplain who saw him sewing mailbags and said: “Ah, Bottomley. Sewing, I see.”

To which Bottomley replied, “No, sir. Reaping.”

It takes fewer muscles to frown than to smile and even fewer to simply look blank.

davidfor · 12-13-2020, 10:43 PM

@drjd, @DNSB: Are you two in a competition to see who can post the worst joke? If so, I can't pick a winner. Or loser depending on how you look at it.

Except maybe whoever reads the posts. Or the people we repeat the jokes to

drjd · 12-14-2020, 04:37 AM

Winners don't do drugs.

They sell them.

drjd · 12-15-2020, 05:06 AM

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.

12-13-2020, 12:03 PM	#11232
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,048 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	Horatio Bottomley (British politician and co-founder of the Financial Times) was in prison for fraud in the 1920s. On one occasion, so the story goes, he was visited by a chaplain who saw him sewing mailbags and said: “Ah, Bottomley. Sewing, I see.” To which Bottomley replied, “No, sir. Reaping.” It takes fewer muscles to frown than to smile and even fewer to simply look blank. Last edited by DNSB; 12-13-2020 at 12:08 PM.

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12-09-2020, 09:48 AM	#11222
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	What is a committee? A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.

12-09-2020, 07:52 PM	#11223
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,048 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in the USA but if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million.

12-10-2020, 04:43 AM	#11224
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	What do you call a worker in America that will work hard for reasonable pay and never whine? An immigrant.

12-10-2020, 11:42 AM	#11225
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,048 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	The race for quality has no finish line – so technically, it's more like a death march.

12-11-2020, 04:13 AM	#11226
timebug Ancient Sage Posts: 14,585 Karma: 15493448 Join Date: Oct 2015 Location: Derby U.K. Device: Kobo Reader	Beautiful blonde asked the barman in the cocktail lounge for a 'Double Entendre'. So he gave her one.....

12-11-2020, 05:28 AM	#11227
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Puns should be banned in schools: they're a dolt humour.

12-11-2020, 12:21 PM	#11228
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,048 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	Other people's puns should be classified as cruel and unusual punishment.

12-12-2020, 04:37 AM	#11229
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A young Asian mother had just given birth to a baby boy. Her name was Ting. When her husband, his name is Wong, arrived to see the newborn, the Nurse brought in a Blond Haired Blue Eyed baby boy. The Nurse said, "How do you like you new son, do you have a name for him yet?" Wong looked at his wife Ting and then at the Nurse. "Yes," he said, "I name him SUM TING WONG."

12-12-2020, 08:55 PM	#11230
DNSB Bibliophagist Posts: 47,048 Karma: 169810634 Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Vancouver Device: Kobo Sage, Libra Colour, Lenovo M8 FHD, Paperwhite 4, Tolino epos	Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Laundry." "Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?" He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking drycleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase. The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?' The old man answered, "Ah...Evleebody ask me that. It name of owner." Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?" "It me," replies the old man. "Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?" "Is simple", said the old man. Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name?" He say, "Moishe Plotnik." Then she look at me and say, "What your name?" I say, "Sam Ting."

12-13-2020, 04:23 AM	#11231
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	You know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

12-13-2020, 10:43 PM	#11233
davidfor Grand Sorcerer Posts: 24,905 Karma: 47303824 Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Sydney, Australia Device: Kobo:Touch,Glo, AuraH2O, GloHD,AuraONE, ClaraHD, Libra H2O; tolinoepos	@drjd, @DNSB: Are you two in a competition to see who can post the worst joke? If so, I can't pick a winner. Or loser depending on how you look at it. Except maybe whoever reads the posts. Or the people we repeat the jokes to

12-14-2020, 04:37 AM	#11234
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Winners don't do drugs. They sell them.

12-15-2020, 05:06 AM	#11235
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.