Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 11

Wetdogeared · 03-05-2009, 06:47 PM

Rated: Mature (This one has been sitting in my inbox for a while, substitute brunette for blonde if you're blonde).

Outback Story

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde timidly spoke up..........

'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!

montsnmags · 03-05-2009, 08:21 PM

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're uglier than shit."

RWood · 03-06-2009, 12:10 AM

Another mature one

A policeman comes up to a drunken man on the street and says, "May I help you Sir?"

The drunk responds, "Yeah officer, somebody stole my car."

"Where was your car?"

"Right here on the end of this key."

"I think you'd better come down to the station with me for the night. By the way, you'd better zip up your trousers."

The drunk looks down at the unzipped fly and cries, "Oh no, they stole my girlfriend too."

Over · 03-06-2009, 10:34 AM

- Mummy! I wanna pee!
- All right, come with me.
- No! I wanna grandma to help!
- Why?!
- She trembles...

pilotbob · 03-06-2009, 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Over

- Mummy! I wanna pee!
- All right, come with me.
- No! I wanna grandma to help!
- Why?!
- She trembles...

Ok, I just don't get this one.

BOb

pilotbob · 03-06-2009, 03:31 PM

I have been lamenting deciding to read "Murder List" recently. It is more romance than murder. But, it did have a funny line in it. I have never heard this before but I don't know if the author made it up.

Anyway...

Regan (girl): [To a guy friend in college that was quite a ladies man.] Why can't you stick with one women at a time? Have a relationship.

Guy: Because girls are like potato chips.

Regan: How's that?

Guy: You can't eat just one.

BOb

rebarnmom · 03-06-2009, 05:16 PM

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Sparrow · 03-06-2009, 06:06 PM

A man wakes up in hospital , bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the M8.
"You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but......something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!
"But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.. It's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you talked it over with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen."

Over · 03-06-2009, 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pilotbob

Ok, I just don't get this one.

BOb

I guess the kid likes an old lady's trembling hands holding his wee to pee.

pilotbob · 03-06-2009, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Over

I guess the kid likes an old lady's trembling hands holding his wee to pee.

AH.. ok. I guess I didn't connect a kid the age that needs help to pee with that.

BOb

lilac_jive · 03-06-2009, 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sparrow

A man wakes up in hospital , bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the M8.
"You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but......something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!
"But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.. It's £1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you talked it over with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen."

nohmi2 · 03-07-2009, 05:45 PM

OLD AGE BLESSINGS.

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts of dementia. and I have poor circulation; I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license!

This is a joke that shows that there is always something to be grateful for.

Nate the great · 03-09-2009, 06:46 PM

DO you want to know how bad the recession is?

I just read about millionaire Warren Buffett.

lilac_jive · 03-09-2009, 07:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nate the great

DO you want to know how bad the recession is?

I just read about billionaire Warren Buffett.

Fixed.

Nate the great · 03-09-2009, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilac_jive

Fixed.

Did you not get the joke? I can't tell from your post.

I know he is a billionaire. As a result of the recession he's now a millionaire (that's the joke.)

03-05-2009, 06:47 PM	#151
Wetdogeared Storm Surge'n Posts: 5,781 Karma: 8213195 Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Polar Vortex Device: S0ny PRS-300/350/505/700/T1	Outback story... Rated: Mature (This one has been sitting in my inbox for a while, substitute brunette for blonde if you're blonde). Outback Story A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval.The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde timidly spoke up.......... 'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle! Last edited by Wetdogeared; 03-05-2009 at 07:25 PM.

03-07-2009, 05:45 PM	#162
nohmi2 Pensively observing. Posts: 1,758 Karma: 12675456 Join Date: Jun 2008 Device: Varied.	OLD AGE BLESSINGS. I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts of dementia. and I have poor circulation; I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my driver's license! This is a joke that shows that there is always something to be grateful for. Last edited by nohmi2; 03-08-2009 at 08:54 PM.

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03-05-2009, 08:21 PM	#152
montsnmags Grand Sorcerer Posts: 10,155 Karma: 4632658 Join Date: Nov 2007 Device: none	A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're uglier than shit."

03-06-2009, 12:10 AM	#153
RWood Technogeezer Posts: 7,233 Karma: 1601464 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Virginia, USA Device: Sony PRS-500	Another mature one A policeman comes up to a drunken man on the street and says, "May I help you Sir?" The drunk responds, "Yeah officer, somebody stole my car." "Where was your car?" "Right here on the end of this key." "I think you'd better come down to the station with me for the night. By the way, you'd better zip up your trousers." The drunk looks down at the unzipped fly and cries, "Oh no, they stole my girlfriend too."

03-06-2009, 10:34 AM	#154
Over Wizard Posts: 1,462 Karma: 6061516 Join Date: May 2008 Location: Cascais, Portugal Device: Kindle PW, Samsung Galaxy Note Pro 12.2", OnePlus 6	- Mummy! I wanna pee! - All right, come with me. - No! I wanna grandma to help! - Why?! - She trembles...

03-06-2009, 03:31 PM	#156
pilotbob Grand Sorcerer Posts: 19,832 Karma: 11844413 Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Tampa, FL USA Device: Kindle Touch	I have been lamenting deciding to read "Murder List" recently. It is more romance than murder. But, it did have a funny line in it. I have never heard this before but I don't know if the author made it up. Anyway... Regan (girl): [To a guy friend in college that was quite a ladies man.] Why can't you stick with one women at a time? Have a relationship. Guy: Because girls are like potato chips. Regan: How's that? Guy: You can't eat just one. BOb

03-06-2009, 05:16 PM	#157
rebarnmom Wizard Posts: 1,289 Karma: 4525055 Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: rural Illinois, USA Device: Sony PRS-700 (traded in), Sony PRS-650	The Bathtub Test During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

03-06-2009, 06:06 PM	#158
Sparrow Wizard Posts: 4,395 Karma: 1358132 Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: UK Device: Palm TX, CyBook Gen3	A man wakes up in hospital , bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the M8. "You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but......something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! "But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.. It's £1000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the right decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you talked it over with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And has she helped you in making the decision?" "She has," says the man. "And what is it?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new kitchen."

03-09-2009, 06:46 PM	#163
Nate the great Sir Penguin of Edinburgh Posts: 12,375 Karma: 23555235 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: DC Metro area Device: Shake a stick plus 1	DO you want to know how bad the recession is? I just read about millionaire Warren Buffett.