Unutterably Silly Steve Jordan interviews the cast of The Lens

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

This isn't right. This isn't right! I'm supposed to be in another universe! These are supposed to be my characters! What the heck is happening?

I know: They're just messing with me! It's a gag... yeah! These guys like to play gags on each other! And now they're having a go at me!

But... Tirri's hair... uh, feathers... nuh, wig... and Mark's skin was... and I don't have an agent! Where are they getting this stuff?

Okay... okay... maybe the MQRBDTMOT took me to the wrong brane... I'm in the... the Bizarro Brane, or something! I took a wrong turn! I gotta see if I can get back to where I'm supposed to be, or--

"Steve?"

Gah!

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. Did you get through to Diane?"

I'm, uh, still... you know, answering services... I left a message, so I'm waiting for her to call back...

"Well, I just wanted to thank you for trying to straighten that out. And for the opportunity to be in The Lens, of course! I mean, after a while, you get tired of the stupid horror movie roles, all making you get half-naked before the monster eats your head, and all... y'know? It's so nice to be doing something more legit... and with a better message for kids than 'don't go out naked alone in the woods'."

Yeah...

"So, any idea when Diane will get back to you?"

You know, I'm gonna try her again... maybe I can get her on the way to... wherever she is... I have her private number, but I usually don't try to call it unless--

"Um, Steve? You're holding that key fob."

I am? I am! Ah! Well... I figured, if I couldn't get Diane over here, that I might have to... go and see her myself! And get this straightened out! After all, I wouldn't want you guys to be screwed just because I couldn't track her down.

"That's really straight up, y'know? Thanks again, babe!"

...Okay: She kissed me on the cheek... so I know I'm not hallucinating. But I gotta get outta here! Come on... call up the MQRBDTMOT manual... there. Okay, turn this like that... align vertically... and press--

ooohhhhhh...

[GeoffC]

there's more twists in this interview than there are in the anchor ropes of the HMS Victory .....

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

Uh... okay, this doesn't look like the Mary. It's all grungy and dark, and--

"Who're you?"

Um... who are y--WHOA!

"I asked you a question, y' old coot!"

"Jayne, put him down!"

"But Mal, he just appeared in the middle of--"

"I said, drop him!"

--UMPH! Thanks...

"Sorry about that. Jayne gets a mite peevish around people who just appear out of the nowhere. Can't say as I'm particularly fond of it, either... seein' as how it's my ship, and you didn't pay me to get on..."

Your ship? Wait: You wouldn't happen to be Captain Mal Reynolds, would you?

"And exactly how do you know me?"

"Excuse me, Captain--"

"Relax, Doc, no one's hurt yet, so you go back and mind your sister."

"Captain, I know this man. It's Steve Jordan. He writes science fiction novels."

"Which are what?"

"...Books?"

"Oh. Those."

"Which one? Do you do Green Lantern?"

"Jayne... hold on. I do know you! You're the one who put out that book Berserker, right after we went on the air!"

My head hurts...

"Book with terraformed worlds in it, right? And you said you thought of it first! Kaylee, go get Joss on the phone, I need him to see this guy!"

"Huh?"

"Goh-gu-fish-hing-haw-day, girl, will you stop clinging to the sawbones and get me a phone?"

"Why don't we interrogate him?"

"I wouldn't, boys... I've heard of his agent, Diane, and she'll have us all locked up if you hurt a hair on his head."

Yeah... Diane...

"Well, I guess Inara would know about such things. Lucky for you, Mister funny book writer. You still haven't told me how you got on my gorram ship."

Uh... with this...

"Looks like a key fob."

"Is it a remote control? Careful he doesn't open the cargo bay doors!"

"Shut up, Jayne! What is it?"

It calls up... here, I'll show you, you do this... turn it this way... and press--

"Hey! Wha--"

oooooohhhhhhhhhh...........

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

Can't see... lights are too bright...

INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!

Okay, that sounds seriously not good! I'd better-- OW!

"Mister Worf, stand down! You've just knocked down an old man!"

I'm... only 48...

"Pick him up! I'm Captain Jean Luc Picard, Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Who are you, sir?"

I'm--OWW!

"Mister Worf!"

"Sorry, sir, but he was reaching for this weapon!"

"Weapon? It looks like a key fob. I repeat, who are you, sir?"

My name is Steve Jordan... I'm an author and futurist...

"How did you get here?"

I really wish I knew...

"Captain... it's all right."

"Counselor? Are you sensing something from him?"

"Yes: I sense confusion, disorientation... and a lot of pain..."

"Worf!"

"Captain, he is who he says he is... an author. But... I don't know if I'm interpreting this right, but he thinks he's from another dimension!"

Yeah... that's about it...

"We have been exposed to the mirror universe before, Captain. If he is from there, he is probably devious and dangerous! I recommend we secure him in the brig until we ascertain his true origins!"

"All right, escort him to the brig, and we... hold on. You said your name was... Steve Jordan?"

Yeah... can I stand up straight, now?

"Worf: Heel. I remember a Steve Jordan, from ancient Earth. As one of the earliest authors to experiment with e-books, his were some of the only writings from the early 21st century to survive the chaos after the Eugenics wars."

Yeah?

"Yes! I'm sure the ship's library has your books."

Well... nice to be remembered...

"I believe they are all listed under 'humor'."

"Captain, I sense his pain is coming back."

"Yes, apparently you had some... colorful ideas about the future. But you didn't foresee the discovery of Dilithium, or the first Human-Vulcan meeting... you didn't seem to think we'd even be able to converse with alien races!"

"Grrrr..."

"Worf. Well, I don't think this... author... is a threat to anyone... except maybe himself. Oh, Worf, you can give him back his toy."

Thank you. You know, everyone thinks you all are a lot more... congenial... back home.

"That would be the early 21st century, yes? Well, considering how Humans back then were all selfish, murdering sociopaths without the sense to even stop polluting their own atmosphere, I suppose it's no surprise that you would misinterpret our friendly actions for aggressiveness."

Uh-huh. Excuse me.

"What are you doing?"

Hoping I don't end up on the Red Dwarf next.

"Sir! He's vanish--"

oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............

Omigod, I'm blind, I'm--

Oh, no. The lights are just off. Hey... this is a small room... like a closet. I'd better stop pushing my luck with this keyfob, before I end up materializing inside a wall or something.

Speaking of which, let's get out into the light. Here's the door... it's stuck. Force it... wait. What if there's a vacuum out there? What if I'm on the Nostromo or something, and there's an alien out there?

"What makes ya think there isn't one in here?"

Well, this place's awfully small, and-- GAH! Who is that?

"I'm the guy who gave ya the MQRBDTMOT."

Where are you?

"Down here, ya dipstick! Does the word 'short' ring a bell?"

I prefer 'altitude-challenged'... oh, yeah. Hey, man, what the hell's going on with this thing? First I show up in a weird Bizarro world, then I'm on the Serenity, then I'm on the Enterprise--

"Yeah, it's a strange universe, isn't it? Full of ideas, cooked up by a universe full of people... many of whom thought up the same ideas before ya."

Whachoo talkin' bout, little guy?

"I'm talking about these notions of yours that ya invented the perfect future before everyone else, ya numb-nuts! And acting like yer sooo muucchhh smaaarrtterrr than everyone else because ya thought up words like 'fractalmonic'. Big deal!"

But... 'fractalmonic' is cool...

"Lissen, hot-shot! It doesn't matter what fantastical future universe ya thought up. I'm telling ya now, someone else already thought of everything ya got! What matters is the story ya tell, and how well ya tell it! And lucky for ya, ya tell a decent story!"

Um... thanks?

"Yer welcome, mook! So stop bein' so smug an' uppity, and just sit back and enjoy the ride!"

What ride?

Ya hadda ask?... HA!

No, the door... AAAAAAAAAAA.............

[pshrynk]

[dreams]

Wait, I'm still catching up...

Originally Posted by Steve Jordan

"Look, this has all been fun, y'know? We've done The Lens, we've posed for the posters, we're doing the DVD extras, and I've been measured for those stupid Burger King toys. But we still haven't seen dime one beyond the basic contract agreement for all the residual work, y'know?"

Yea! Mainstream old Earth... you know you've made it when Burger King makes the toys

OK, you can continue

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

...UMPH!

"SURR-PRIIIIIISSSSE!"

Ah! Omigod... what--

"Here, let me help you up! Welcome to your surprise appreciation party!

Surprise party? Hold on... where am I now?

"In the basement of the National Air and Space Museum, silly!"

"You've been here all along!"

"Ever since you started playing with the MQRBDTMOT!"

Whu... you mean... this thing never took me to another universe?

"..."

"Uh, of course not."

"Duh."

"Go see if you can find that doctor..."

"Hi, there! Remember me?"

Hey, the little guy! What is all this?

"It's something we worked together for ya! See, every time ya used the key fob, it gave with an odorless, colorless knock-out spray and put ya out. Then we'd move ya to a set designed to make ya think ya were in another dimension. And boy, did ya play it up!"

But... why would you do this?

"To give you perspective, of course!"

Carolyn? I mean, Rainy. Perspective of what?

"Of what it means to create characters that start to take on a life of their own. When that happens, readers really identify with them, and want to know they'll be all right. It makes it important to be able to write for characters like that, and keep your readers happy and yearning for more. It's a special ability that not every writer has."

Are you saying... I have that abilty?

"Well... you're close."

"Real close!"

"Almost there!"

"I feel real! On most days, anyway."

"But keep working on it! Yer doing great!"

Gee, thanks! I guess...

"Here, let me take that off your hands."

The MQRBDTMOT? Aw, can I at least keep the key fob?

"Oh, sure... that's how we knew you'd go for the gag. it served to distract you from looking too closely at the MQRBDTMOT."

Huh?

"See, if you had turned it upside-down, you might have recognized it--"

A Sharper Image combination stapler, sonic grill cleaner and ionic air freshener?!? I might have guessed... those guys always did have cool designers!

"We hope you've learned something from all this."

Other than 'don't do drugs'?

--------------------------------

This silliness has been brought to you on behalf of SteveJordanBooks.com, the Not Ready for Big Bang Players, and the Free Electrons Movement (FEM), now celebrating its 5,000,000,000,000 nanosecond anniversary!

(Oop-- anniversary's over! Back to work, boys!)

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

[pshrynk]

I figured it for at least The Star Trek Experience in Vegas...

[pilotbob]

ROFLMAO!!! Steve too funny...

But, did you bring Anora back for me?

BOb

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

Originally Posted by pilotbob

But, did you bring Anora back for me?

You're kidding, right? Everyone on this forum together couldn't afford her...

[pilotbob]

Originally Posted by Steve Jordan

You're kidding, right? Everyone on this forum together couldn't afford her...

How do you know? I don't write for a living.

BOb

[Donnageddon]

Steve, are you going to release this as an appendix, or colon, to the release of The Lens, or do I have to capture it all here?

We want The Lens! Release The Lens!

Attica! Attica!

oops, I may be over reacting. But I am in serious need of some Kestral.

[Gaurnim]

Thanks, Steve, I had a very good time reading this.
Having Mal and his *friends* was a nice bonus, too

Berserker has definitely moved higher in my TBR pile.

[Steven Lyle Jordan]

Originally Posted by Donnageddon

Steve, are you going to release this as an appendix, or colon, to the release of The Lens, or do I have to capture it all here?

We want The Lens! Release The Lens!

Attica! Attica!

oops, I may be over reacting. But I am in serious need of some Kestral.

I am planning to put this on my site, probably with all comments attached (up to the end of the story)... or maybe one with, and one without... for free.