Blurb feedback please?

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

Once was fine on the man hating s*** was fine. 3 or 4 times in a row got annoying.
Does the author just love that statement.
Not to mention the fact that it is hard for a s*** to hate men.

Trivia: NASCAR guy turned me off of Janet Evanovich. She repeated that way too many times in one of her books.

Thanks Cin. Good reminder: repetition is a major turn off. And I am prone to it. I will prune that first scene.

And LOL:

Not to mention the fact that it is hard for a s*** to hate men.

Except maybe when the men are calling them 'man hating s****' over and over and over and over again. LOL

[Cinisajoy]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Thanks Cin. Good reminder: repetition is a major turn off. And I am prone to it. I will prune that first scene.

And LOL:



Except maybe when the men are calling them 'man hating s****' over and over and over and over again. LOL

You may have a point since I have only been called a s*** by guys I wouldn't touch with my enemy's c----.

[Gregg Bell]

I think I have the blurb figured out. Many are worried that after seeing a playful cover (but many writers like me have playful covers but I digress) and an insufficiently preparatory blurb that the reader will faint when they read that violent first scene. So, this is the new blurb and it will prepare them for the violence. Here it is.


Some say she’s a sociopath. Some say she hates men. Some say she just loves animals.

Lainey Tripper is a whiskey-drinking hard-living animal rescue feminist. But she has just this one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men.

Lainey’s the head of the IWS, a radical feminist animal rescue group dedicated to stopping the villainous Donovan from oppressing women and animals. But now Donovan has taken his evil to a new level—he’s systematically stealing Chicago’s dogs. In Lainey’s enthusiasm to stop Donovan, she again kills a lot of men. Her fellow IWS members plead with her to moderate her man-killing tendencies, but Lainey feels the men deserve it, and besides, she must do whatever it takes to save Chicago’s dogs.

Will Lainey stop Donovan in time? And when she’s done, will any men be left alive?

[Cinisajoy]

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

I think I have the blurb figured out. Many are worried that after seeing a playful cover (but many writers like me have playful covers but I digress) and an insufficiently preparatory blurb that the reader will faint when they read that violent first scene. So, this is the new blurb and it will prepare them for the violence. Here it is.


Some say she’s a sociopath. Some say she hates men. Some say she just loves animals.

Lainey Tripper is a whiskey-drinking hard-living animal rescue feminist. But she has just this one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men.

Lainey’s the head of the IWS, a radical feminist animal rescue group dedicated to stopping the villainous Donovan from oppressing women and animals. But now Donovan has taken his evil to a new level—he’s systematically stealing Chicago’s dogs. In Lainey’s enthusiasm to stop Donovan, she again kills a lot of men. Her fellow IWS members plead with her to moderate her man-killing tendencies, but Lainey feels the men deserve it, and besides, she must do whatever it takes to save Chicago’s dogs.

Will Lainey stop Donovan in time? And when she’s done, will any men be left alive?

See other thread. But since you aren't a tailor, lose the seems.

[theducks]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

See other thread. But since you aren't a tailor, lose the seems.

Seams are for Tailors

[Cinisajoy]

Originally Posted by theducks

Seams are for Tailors

I couldn't resist the word play.

[GrannyGrump]

I may be dense, but can't quite understand the very strong objection to "seems".

It seems to me (see what I did there?) that the phrase does not imply whether she "seems" to kill, but whether she "seems" able to control the impulse.
"Can't seem to stop"

Sorry, I am only a reader. We return you now to your regularly scheduled fora.

[Cinisajoy]

Originally Posted by GrannyGrump

I may be dense, but can't quite understand the very strong objection to "seems".

It seems to me (see what I did there?) that the phrase does not imply whether she "seems" to kill, but whether she "seems" able to control the impulse.
"Can't seem to stop"

Sorry, I am only a reader. We return you now to your regularly scheduled fora.

Interesting that we read the same word two different ways.
It does seem that when Lainey is around, men wind up dead.

Although the way you phrased it, it appears she is a serial killer.

[gmw]

GrannyGrump, anything apparently redundant, passive, ambiguous or indecisive needs careful review. "Seem" can be all of those things. Just review, because sometimes we want to be redundant, passive, ambiguous or indecisive - but these are, generally, not good attributes for a blurb.

[GrannyGrump]

Gotcha!
Roger Wilco!

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by GrannyGrump

I may be dense, but can't quite understand the very strong objection to "seems".

It seems to me (see what I did there?) that the phrase does not imply whether she "seems" to kill, but whether she "seems" able to control the impulse.
"Can't seem to stop"

Sorry, I am only a reader. We return you now to your regularly scheduled fora.

Granny, I am so glad you posted this. I have been going back and forth with Cin's suggestion (to remove the "seem to"). But when I remove it, it just didn't work for me. I read it just the way you do. Thanks!

[Gregg Bell]

New version:

Some say she’s a sociopath. Some say she hates men. Some say she just loves animals.

Lainey Tripper is a whiskey-drinking hard-living animal rescue feminist. But she has just this one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men. Not all men are so bad, and not a few of them are attracted to her, but when Lainey leaves a rescue, dead men are invariably left in her wake.

Lainey heads the IWS, a radical feminist animal rescue group of women dedicated to stopping the villainous Donovan from oppressing women and animals. But now Donovan, intent on world domination, has taken his evil to a new level. He’s systematically stealing Chicago’s dogs to sell them to a foreign power.

In Lainey’s enthusiasm to stop Donovan, she again kills a lot of men. Her fellow IWS members plead with her to moderate her man-killing tendencies, but Lainey’s pretty sure any guy she kills deserves it, and besides, she must do whatever it takes to save Chicago’s dogs.

Will Lainey stop Donovan in time? And when she’s done, will any men be left alive?

[Cinisajoy]

I kind of like that one.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

I kind of like that one.

Thanks Cin. Yeah, I think if not done, it's pretty close.