Blurb feedback please?

[Gregg Bell]

This for a zany over-the-top humorous thriller. Here's the cover:



Laney Tripper is a whiskey-drinking hard-living animal rescue feminist who loves what she does: keeping women and animals safe. But she has just this one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men.

Lainey’s the head of the IWS, a radical feminist animal rescue group dedicated to stopping the nefarious Donovan from oppressing women and animals. But now Donovan has taken his evil to a new level—he’s systematically stealing Chicago’s dogs. This is clearly unacceptable to Lainey and the IWS, but in Lainey’s enthusiasm to stop Donovan, she kills quite a lot of men, making her a target of Donovan’s retaliation and alienating law enforcement. Her fellow IWS members plead with her to moderate her man-killing tendencies, but Lainey feels the men she kills deserve it, and besides, she must do whatever it takes to save Chicago’s dogs.

Will Lainey stop Donovan in time? And when she’s done, will any men be left alive?

[Cinisajoy]

Pretty good.

[Deskisamess]

Interstate Waste Services?

Integrated Wellness Solutions?

[Nabeel]

I'm also baffled by IWS, but perhaps that's the idea. Otherwise, neat, concise, interesting.

[gmw]

Mostly good. Over-the-top, humorous ... thrilling? But I am inclined to think that second paragraph is too long. It needs to be shorter, punchier. There is quite a lot of repetition in there, so there's definitely room to cut it back.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Cinisajoy

Pretty good.

Thanks Cin.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Deskisamess

Interstate Waste Services?

Integrated Wellness Solutions?

I don't know what it means.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by Nabeel

I'm also baffled by IWS, but perhaps that's the idea. Otherwise, neat, concise, interesting.

Thanks Nabeel. I did not intend to baffle with IWS but it just never materialized what it was. And the novel is so wacky I don't think the people who like it will care. (I hope.)

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by gmw

Mostly good. Over-the-top, humorous ... thrilling? But I am inclined to think that second paragraph is too long. It needs to be shorter, punchier. There is quite a lot of repetition in there, so there's definitely room to cut it back.

Thanks gmw. I agree about the second paragraph. I'll be back with a new improved version.

[GrannyGrump]

I don't know why, but the phrase whiskey-drinking hard-living SEEMS like it should read with those clauses reversed: hard-living whiskey-drinking

But very clever. I, as a reader, am intrigued.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by GrannyGrump

I don't know why, but the phrase whiskey-drinking hard-living SEEMS like it should read with those clauses reversed: hard-living whiskey-drinking

But very clever. I, as a reader, am intrigued.

Thanks Granny. I've been switching that back and forth since you mentioned it. I kind of like both.

[Gregg Bell]

I tightened it up a bit. Any better?


Lainey Tripper is a whiskey-drinking hard-living animal rescue feminist. But she has just this one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men.

Lainey’s the head of the IWS, a radical feminist animal rescue group dedicated to stopping the nefarious Donovan from oppressing women and animals. But now Donovan has taken his evil to a new level—he’s systematically stealing Chicago’s dogs. This is clearly unacceptable to Lainey and the IWS, but in Lainey’s enthusiasm to stop Donovan, she again kills quite a lot of men. Her fellow IWS members plead with her to moderate her man-killing tendencies, but Lainey feels the men she kills deserve it, and besides, she must do whatever it takes to save Chicago’s dogs.

Will Lainey stop Donovan in time? And when she’s done, will any men be left alive?

[gmw]

I know there is a certain "feel" to this that you are wanting to achieve - hence the overkill (pun intended) - but some of the parts are weakening the whole. I've marked some of what I think is still redundant:


Lainey Tripper is a whiskey-drinking hard-living animal rescue feminist. But she has just this one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men.

Lainey’s the head of the IWS, a radical feminist animal rescue group dedicated to stopping the nefarious Donovan from oppressing women and animals. But now Donovan has taken his evil to a new level—he’s systematically stealing Chicago’s dogs. This is clearly unacceptable to Lainey and the IWS, but in Lainey’s enthusiasm to stop Donovan, she again kills quite a lot of men. Her fellow IWS members plead with her to moderate her man-killing tendencies, but Lainey feels the men she kills deserve it, and besides, she must do whatever it takes to save Chicago’s dogs.

Will Lainey stop Donovan in time? And when she’s done, will any men be left alive?


Possibly "she again kills a lot of men" might be better as "she kills a lot more men", it's less waffly.

[Cinisajoy]

Originally Posted by gmw

I know there is a certain "feel" to this that you are wanting to achieve - hence the overkill (pun intended) - but some of the parts are weakening the whole. I've marked some of what I think is still redundant:


Lainey Tripper is a whiskey-drinking hard-living animal rescue feminist. But she has just this one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men.

Lainey’s the head of the IWS, a radical feminist animal rescue group dedicated to stopping the nefarious Donovan from oppressing women and animals. But now Donovan has taken his evil to a new level—he’s systematically stealing Chicago’s dogs. This is clearly unacceptable to Lainey and the IWS, but in Lainey’s enthusiasm to stop Donovan, she again kills quite a lot of men. Her fellow IWS members plead with her to moderate her man-killing tendencies, but Lainey feels the men she kills deserve it, and besides, she must do whatever it takes to save Chicago’s dogs.

Will Lainey stop Donovan in time? And when she’s done, will any men be left alive?


Possibly "she again kills a lot of men" might be better as "she kills a lot more men", it's less waffly.

Much better.

[Gregg Bell]

Originally Posted by gmw

I know there is a certain "feel" to this that you are wanting to achieve - hence the overkill (pun intended) - but some of the parts are weakening the whole. I've marked some of what I think is still redundant:


Lainey Tripper is a whiskey-drinking hard-living animal rescue feminist. But she has just this one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men.

Lainey’s the head of the IWS, a radical feminist animal rescue group dedicated to stopping the nefarious Donovan from oppressing women and animals. But now Donovan has taken his evil to a new level—he’s systematically stealing Chicago’s dogs. This is clearly unacceptable to Lainey and the IWS, but in Lainey’s enthusiasm to stop Donovan, she again kills quite a lot of men. Her fellow IWS members plead with her to moderate her man-killing tendencies, but Lainey feels the men she kills deserve it, and besides, she must do whatever it takes to save Chicago’s dogs.

Will Lainey stop Donovan in time? And when she’s done, will any men be left alive?


Possibly "she again kills a lot of men" might be better as "she kills a lot more men", it's less waffly.

Thanks a lot, gmw. I like what you've done. Only I have to keep the "seem to" which gives it a little whimsy. Without it she comes off as a psycho serial killer. So:

Lainey Tripper is a whiskey-drinking hard-living animal rescue feminist. But she has just this one little problem: she can’t seem to stop killing men.

Lainey’s the head of the IWS, a radical feminist animal rescue group dedicated to stopping the nefarious Donovan from oppressing women and animals. But now Donovan has taken his evil to a new level—he’s systematically stealing Chicago’s dogs. In Lainey’s enthusiasm to stop Donovan, she again kills a lot of men. Her fellow IWS members plead with her to moderate her man-killing tendencies, but Lainey feels the men deserve it, and besides, she must do whatever it takes to save Chicago’s dogs.

Will Lainey stop Donovan in time? And when she’s done, will any men be left alive?