Unutterably Silly Escape Committee

[zelda_pinwheel]

Originally Posted by LazyScot

<Yawns.... Stetches.... Rubs eyes>

Ooooo my head! I had the most frightening dream. I wandered into some fantastic place, and ended up going shopping with Pandas, where we ran into...

<slowly the sounds of Prelude a l'apres-midi d'un faune drift into the ears, and slowly opens one eye to see the Chinchilla chamber orchestra playing Debussy.>

Whimpers quietly

<Sound of "whoomphf" as passes out on sofa.>

Abnormal service may be resumed in a few days, depending on travel experiences and an Edinburgh Hogmany. Happy New Year!

happy new year to you too ! i hope it's squirrel-free. we'll be here, waiting for the next episode...

[RWood]

That should teach him not to put beer on his corn flakes for breakfast. Maybe next time he'll get a ham and cheese from Mr. Omelet.

[GeoffC]

I'm waiting for the tale of Sir Prise and Miss Take ....

Happy New Year one and all ....

[LazyScot]

Montsnmags Enterprises
Alcohol and Hallucinogens
Subscriptions Department

Dear Entity,

I wish to cancel my subscription to your "services" with immediate effect.

I also wish to complain about the sales tactics of your agent. Although I admit my memory of events is somewhat shaky as I had just tasted a 50ml sample of the "Zany Carter", I feel this was the agent taking unfair advantage of the impact this drink had on my mental faculties. There are several points I wish to raise in complaint. Firstly, I had expected the sample to arrive on a monthly and not 4-hourly basis. Secondly, I had expected a "normal" delivery process and not intra-cranial teleportation of the sample cocktails. Thirdly, I was not made aware of the delivery side effects (*). Fourthly, I has assumed that the subscription was payable in GB pounds.

Your sincerely,

A very frazzled LazyScot.

(*) To be specific The delivery is accompanied by:

• a light-display made of colours that cannot possibly exist, and if they did, would be classified as weapons of mass displacement,
• a set of smells that are the nasal equivalent of a Pratchetian sense of humour uncarefully blended with the experiences of Thomas de Quincey,
• a feeling of being wrapped in a very large warm fluffy dressing gown/robe and then pushed backwards into a very deep jacuzzi set to 15 minute lobster.

[pshrynk]

Originally Posted by LazyScot

Montsnmags Enterprises
Alcohol and Hallucinogens
Subscriptions Department

Dear Entity,

I wish to cancel my subscription to your "services" with immediate effect.

I also wish to complain about the sales tactics of your agent. Although I admit my memory of events is somewhat shaky as I had just tasted a 50ml sample of the "Zany Carter", I feel this was the agent taking unfair advantage of the impact this drink had on my mental faculties. There are several points I wish to raise in complaint. Firstly, I had expected the sample to arrive on a monthly and not 4-hourly basis. Secondly, I had expected a "normal" delivery process and not intra-cranial teleportation of the sample cocktails. Thirdly, I was not made aware of the delivery side effects (*). Fourthly, I has assumed that the subscription was payable in GB pounds.

Your sincerely,

A very frazzled LazyScot.


(*) To be specific The delivery is accompanied by:

• a light-display made of colours that cannot possibly exist, and if they did, would be classified as weapons of mass displacement,
• a set of smells that are the nasal equivalent of a Pratchetian sense of humour uncarefully blended with the experiences of Thomas de Quincey,
• a feeling of being wrapped in a very large warm fluffy dressing gown/robe and then pushed backwards into a very deep jacuzzi set to 15 minute lobster.

Serves ya right for not reading the "fine print" with your pocket electron microscope...

[montsnmags]

Originally Posted by LazyScot

Montsnmags Enterprises
Alcohol and Hallucinogens
Subscriptions Department

Dear Entity,

I wish to cancel my subscription to your "services" with immediate effect.
...

Dear Slur or Madman,

Thank-you for your recent feedback on one of the many fine products at Montsnmags Enterprises. At Montsnmags Enterprises Alcohol and Hallucinations Division, we always welcome contact from our many customers and flying giraffe in a tutu. (HA HA HA just our little joke there)

Firstly, let me just point out that we do not need to cancel your subscription as there are no renewal options applicable. As such, the term of your subscription is infinite, or at the heat-death of this universe, whichever comes first.

Secondly, please note that the intra-cranial teleportation process is what lets us provide you with this subscription at OUR LOW, LOW RATES (speaking of which, can you please confirm that the growth hormone also delivered with the ZC has regrown the testicles our agent removed from your person with a melon-baller?)

Thirdly, please note that the delivery method and the ZC itself have ABSOLUTELY NO SIDE-EFFECTS. All physiological and psychological manifestations are part of the MANY BENEFITS your ZC subscription provides.

Forthly, as you know, GB pounds are an archaic measure of price, as are stones, however the latter, ironically, are effectively how you pay us, as previously mentioned. This was made clear on the zorange-coloured contract you signed in tangerurple asp-blood with the living phasmid-pen.

However, we here at Montsnmags Enterprises always aim to keep our customers happy through whatever means necessary. As such we have arranged a squadron of highly-trained Disco Dancing Pirate Ninja Squirrels from the Montsnmags Enterprises Solid Gold Dancer Planetary Invasion Division to act as super-special VIP couriers to deliver a complementary flagon of ZC direct to your door within the next 32.4 seconds. All our employees are fully trained in all methods of ZC physiological delivery, and you can rest assured that all of the squirrels swarming all over your body while shaking their groove-thangs to the wildly-inoffensive beat of Michael Jackson's Blame It On The Boogie will act with the utmost delicacy in their handling, placement, insertion and operation of the marine-grade stainless steel, super-high-pressure, urethral catheterisation injection assembly (please be sure to wear the provided protective goggles - they will assist in the eyeball recovery process).

Here at Montsnmags Enterprises, we appreciate that you have a wide selection of choices available to you in the Alcohol and Hallucinogens market segment, and we are glad that you have subscribed to ours rather than one of our many subsidiary companies (it helps with the paperwork). We thank-you for your continued custom, and reassure you in the strongest possible terms that we have high hopes and expectations that you will not feel the necessity to bring forward any further complaints. Or else.

Yours in a flying giraffe suit,
Iain William Killyuall
Manager - Complaints Area
Montsnmags Enterprises

[GeoffC]

Oi, you with the funny hat on, yes you - you leave my pal alone .....

[RWood]

I found a way out, Taxi!

[desertgrandma]

Can I share your cab, RWood? I gotta get outta here!

[RWood]

Originally Posted by desertgrandma

Can I share your cab, RWood? I gotta get outta here!

No problem, hop in.

[montsnmags]

Originally Posted by RWood

No problem, hop in.

"Montsnmags Taxi Services at your pleasure and command. Where within the designated security perimeter can I drop you and this ravishing, young lass off, guv?"

[RWood]

Originally Posted by montsnmags

"Montsnmags Taxi Services at your pleasure and command. Where within the designated security perimeter can I drop you and this ravishing, young lass off, guv?"

Just drive straight ahead propeller beanie boy and nobody gets hurt too much. We don't need no stinkin' badges for your so called "security parameter." Now Drive!

[desertgrandma]

Originally Posted by RWood

Just drive straight ahead propeller beanie boy and nobody gets hurt too much. We don't need no stinkin' badges for your so called "security parameter." Now Drive!

(I think you chose the wrong taxi, RWood. Did you get a good look at his face? Does it look 'right' to you?)

[montsnmags]

Originally Posted by RWood

Just drive straight ahead propeller beanie boy and nobody gets hurt too much. We don't need no stinkin' badges for your so called "security parameter." Now Drive!

Sure, now if you can just pass my cab-valet-monkey your coat...and your shirt, pants, wallet, shoes and that little bang-bang you're pointing out me that would fit inside the primed Higgs Bosonic Mass Displacement Rifle currently saying "G'day" to you from under my seat, I'll have them all cleaned, pressed and polished and refashioned into something more "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" and back to you toot-sweet in time for your marvellous and loudly announced entry at our party-destination, the ever-magnificent Chateau Pompette. All part of the service, sir.

Originally Posted by desertgrandma

(I think you chose the wrong taxi, RWood. Did you get a good look at his face? Does it look 'right' to you?)

Right as rain and totally sane (I've got a certificate off pshrynk to prove it, see? What? Crayon does not invalidate the content!). Please feel free to help yourself to the cab-bar. I highly recommend the Zany Carter Patricia, if you're feeling adventurous, and you're not a dog (it's 112-proof chocolate).

Cheers,
Marc

[desertgrandma]

Originally Posted by montsnmags

Sure, now if you can just pass my cab-valet-monkey your coat...and your shirt, pants, wallet, shoes and that little bang-bang you're pointing out me that would fit inside the primed Higgs Bosonic Mass Displacement Rifle currently saying "G'day" to you from under my seat, I'll have them all cleaned, pressed and polished and refashioned into something more "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" and back to you toot-sweet in time for your marvellous and loudly announced entry at our party-destination, the ever-magnificent Chateau Pompette. All part of the service, sir.



Right as rain and totally sane (I've got a certificate of pshrynk to prove it, see? What? Crayon does not invalidate the content!). Please feel free to help yourself to the cab-bar. I highly recommend the Zany Carter Patricia, if you're feeling adventurous, and you're not a dog (it's 112-proof chocolate).

Cheers,
Marc

Told you, RWood. Another fine mess you've gotten me into! Aw carp, give me the Zany Carter............with TWO marachino cherries, please.