Which blurb is better?

Gregg Bell · 10-06-2016, 01:58 PM

The blurb is for a suspense novel called Saving Baby. Thanks!

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is thrilled when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. But something's not right. Monroe's baby is feeble and cries constantly. When Annie confronts Monroe about it, he fires her. She runs to the police but, intimidated by Monroe's power, they shrug off her concern. Then Annie discovers Monroe is conducting eugenics experiments. So she disguises herself as a member of a TV news crew at his mansion for an interview, nabs the baby and flees.

The headlines scream: Monroe Baby Kidnapped! The billionaire broadcasts a ten million dollar reward. The sheriff and his deputies hunt the two of them, and vigilante mobs roam the valley. Only the baby clinging to her like Velcro keeps Annie running. Her only hope: exposing Monroe's deadly abuse before it's too late--for her and the baby.

or

Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is thrilled when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. But something's not right. Monroe's baby is feeble and cries constantly. When Annie confronts Monroe about it, he goes into a rage and tells her to mind her own business. She tells her father but he thinks she's exaggerating. Annie knows something is suspicious, but what? The next day she discovers something that makes her skin crawl. She nabs the baby and flees.

Now she's on the run. Her only hope is exposing Monroe's deadly evil before it's too late--for her and the baby.

Dr. Drib · 10-06-2016, 03:01 PM

I'm sorry, but I don't like cliches that include "screaming headlines."

[Deleted earlier comment]

She seems too young to be so fully committed.

None of this adds up for me.

-- For both of those blurbs.

Sorry.

meeera · 10-06-2016, 09:24 PM

The second is a lot better than the first. I'd rethink the term 'feeble', though. What do you actually mean? Thin? Sick? Floppy/low tone? Not hitting milestones?

(I'd also suggest having someone med-pick your manuscript, if you haven't already. For example, a baby that is truly in a lot of medical trouble often doesn't cry, but shuts down to conserve energy. Which is dangerous as it can be interpreted as 'a good baby' who is happy and satisfied.).

HarryT · 10-07-2016, 03:20 AM

The first one goes into way too much detail for a blurb, to my mind. A blurb shouldn't contain every detail of the plot.

The second is better, but still not particularly good. For example "But something's not right." is a sentence fragment, not a sentence. It should be followed by a colon or semi-colon, not a full stop.

Gregg Bell · 10-07-2016, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr. Drib

I'm sorry, but I don't like cliches that include "screaming headlines."

[Deleted earlier comment]

She seems too young to be so fully committed.

None of this adds up for me.

-- For both of those blurbs.

Sorry.

Thanks

Gregg Bell · 10-07-2016, 10:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by meeera

The second is a lot better than the first. I'd rethink the term 'feeble', though. What do you actually mean? Thin? Sick? Floppy/low tone? Not hitting milestones?

(I'd also suggest having someone med-pick your manuscript, if you haven't already. For example, a baby that is truly in a lot of medical trouble often doesn't cry, but shuts down to conserve energy. Which is dangerous as it can be interpreted as 'a good baby' who is happy and satisfied.).

Thanks meeera. I'm trying "weak" rather than "feeble." And yeah, the med-pick. I wrote a book that had a pregnant character and oh, did I hear it about how I had the details wrong. Fortunately, before publication.

Gregg Bell · 10-07-2016, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HarryT

The first one goes into way too much detail for a blurb, to my mind. A blurb shouldn't contain every detail of the plot.

The second is better, but still not particularly good. For example "But something's not right." is a sentence fragment, not a sentence. It should be followed by a colon or semi-colon, not a full stop.

Thanks Harry. Agree about the detail of the first being too much. But I kind of like sentence fragments in blurbs. Just a few, that is.

Dr. Drib · 10-07-2016, 10:16 AM

I personally think an occasional sentence fragment is OK, as long as the author understands how to write sentences. For these authors, they use sentence fragments for effect, rather than out of ignorance.

Unfortunately, too many beginning authors (I'm not including you), don't know the difference between a sentence fragment and a grammatical sentence.

theducks · 10-07-2016, 08:36 PM

The second. But... find another word for Feeble.
Sickly?
Lethargic (

does this work with 'cries a lot'?)?
Colicky?

this is a hard one

Gregg Bell · 10-08-2016, 09:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by theducks

The second. But... find another word for Feeble.
Sickly?
Lethargic (

does this work with 'cries a lot'?)?
Colicky?

this is a hard one

Thanks ducks. How about "weak"?

meeera · 10-08-2016, 09:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Thanks ducks. How about "weak"?

It would be easiest to answer this if we know what's actually wrong with the baby. In spoiler tags if you need to.

Gregg Bell · 10-08-2016, 10:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by meeera

It would be easiest to answer this if we know what's actually wrong with the baby. In spoiler tags if you need to.

The baby is being physically neglected as part of a eugenics experiment. I studied it a bit and some of the symptoms of neglect are the baby being underweight and lethargic.

theducks · 10-08-2016, 11:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

Thanks ducks. How about "weak"?

Weak is ...weak considering you later post.
This is a hard one to sum up with 1 word

Malnourished?

meeera · 10-09-2016, 02:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gregg Bell

The baby is being physically neglected as part of a eugenics experiment. I studied it a bit and some of the symptoms of neglect are the baby being underweight and lethargic.

How does the neglect tie into the eugenics experiment? Is it a genetically typical baby being neglected, or does it have genetic issues also? If so, what kind?

How old is the baby? What/how much is it being fed? How underweight/close to death is it?

As I said, if this is severe failure to thrive, you'd expect maybe some irritability, but lethargy, excessive sleeping, and gaze avoidance might be much more prominent behavioural signs than frequent crying. These babies can lack the energy to cry; in addition, when hungry cries are ignored for long enough, babies learn not to cry. (Along with the failure to gain weight and hit developmental milestones.) If micronutrients are insufficient you might also expect, for example, a severe nappy rash and possibly rashes elsewhere such as the face. And if left lying in one position all the time, flattening of the skull in that area.

Dr. Drib · 10-09-2016, 06:21 AM

OK, here's an idea:

If you're having trouble coming up with an appropriate blurb, why not look over your book and see if there's something that can be pulled out as a quote. Some dramatic, defining, teasing moment. (Notice the sentence fragment!)

That would then be your blurb.

10-06-2016, 01:58 PM	#1
Gregg Bell Gregg Bell Posts: 2,266 Karma: 3917598 Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Itasca, Illinois Device: Kindle Touch 7, Sony PRS300, Fire HD8 Tablet	Which blurb is better? The blurb is for a suspense novel called Saving Baby. Thanks! Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is thrilled when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. But something's not right. Monroe's baby is feeble and cries constantly. When Annie confronts Monroe about it, he fires her. She runs to the police but, intimidated by Monroe's power, they shrug off her concern. Then Annie discovers Monroe is conducting eugenics experiments. So she disguises herself as a member of a TV news crew at his mansion for an interview, nabs the baby and flees. The headlines scream: Monroe Baby Kidnapped! The billionaire broadcasts a ten million dollar reward. The sheriff and his deputies hunt the two of them, and vigilante mobs roam the valley. Only the baby clinging to her like Velcro keeps Annie running. Her only hope: exposing Monroe's deadly abuse before it's too late--for her and the baby. or Seventeen-year-old Annie Rebarchek is thrilled when billionaire Houston Monroe hires her as a nanny for the summer. But something's not right. Monroe's baby is feeble and cries constantly. When Annie confronts Monroe about it, he goes into a rage and tells her to mind her own business. She tells her father but he thinks she's exaggerating. Annie knows something is suspicious, but what? The next day she discovers something that makes her skin crawl. She nabs the baby and flees. Now she's on the run. Her only hope is exposing Monroe's deadly evil before it's too late--for her and the baby.

10-06-2016, 03:01 PM	#2
Dr. Drib Grand Sorcerer Posts: 45,344 Karma: 59447733 Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Peru Device: KINDLE: Oasis 3, Scribe (1st), Matcha; KOBO: Libra 2, Libra Colour	I'm sorry, but I don't like cliches that include "screaming headlines." [Deleted earlier comment] She seems too young to be so fully committed. None of this adds up for me. -- For both of those blurbs. Sorry. Last edited by Dr. Drib; 10-06-2016 at 03:03 PM.

10-06-2016, 09:24 PM	#3
meeera Grand Sorcerer Posts: 5,796 Karma: 68145694 Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Australia Device: Kobo Libra 2, iPadMini4, iPad4, MBP; support other Kobo/Kindles	The second is a lot better than the first. I'd rethink the term 'feeble', though. What do you actually mean? Thin? Sick? Floppy/low tone? Not hitting milestones? (I'd also suggest having someone med-pick your manuscript, if you haven't already. For example, a baby that is truly in a lot of medical trouble often doesn't cry, but shuts down to conserve energy. Which is dangerous as it can be interpreted as 'a good baby' who is happy and satisfied.). Last edited by meeera; 10-06-2016 at 09:27 PM.

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10-07-2016, 03:20 AM	#4
HarryT eBook Enthusiast Posts: 85,544 Karma: 93383099 Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis 2, iPad Pro 10.5", iPhone 6	The first one goes into way too much detail for a blurb, to my mind. A blurb shouldn't contain every detail of the plot. The second is better, but still not particularly good. For example "But something's not right." is a sentence fragment, not a sentence. It should be followed by a colon or semi-colon, not a full stop.

10-07-2016, 10:16 AM	#8
Dr. Drib Grand Sorcerer Posts: 45,344 Karma: 59447733 Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Peru Device: KINDLE: Oasis 3, Scribe (1st), Matcha; KOBO: Libra 2, Libra Colour	I personally think an occasional sentence fragment is OK, as long as the author understands how to write sentences. For these authors, they use sentence fragments for effect, rather than out of ignorance. Unfortunately, too many beginning authors (I'm not including you), don't know the difference between a sentence fragment and a grammatical sentence.

10-07-2016, 08:36 PM	#9
theducks Well trained by Cats Posts: 30,912 Karma: 60358908 Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: The Central Coast of California Device: Kobo Libra2,Kobo Aura2v1, K4NT(Fixed: New Bat.), Galaxy Tab A	The second. But... find another word for Feeble. Sickly? Lethargic ( does this work with 'cries a lot'?)? Colicky? this is a hard one

10-09-2016, 06:21 AM	#15
Dr. Drib Grand Sorcerer Posts: 45,344 Karma: 59447733 Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Peru Device: KINDLE: Oasis 3, Scribe (1st), Matcha; KOBO: Libra 2, Libra Colour	OK, here's an idea: If you're having trouble coming up with an appropriate blurb, why not look over your book and see if there's something that can be pulled out as a quote. Some dramatic, defining, teasing moment. (Notice the sentence fragment!) That would then be your blurb.