Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 620

John K · 07-19-2016, 09:39 PM

A couple was having a party at their house. An hour before the party was to start, the woman realized that she still needed escargot. So she sent her husband out to get it.

He was walking to the supermarket and figured he had plenty of time, so he stopped at the bar along the way.

An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home.

He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him, but at the last moment he saw her - only a few steps from the doorway.

He quickly threw the snails on the floor and and just as she stepped into the kitchen he said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."

cromag · 07-21-2016, 03:15 AM

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

drjd · 07-22-2016, 07:11 AM

A doctor enters into a patient's room and informs the patient that he has good news and bad news. He then asks the patient which news he would like to hear.

The patient responds, "Doctor, give me the good news."

The doctor says, "Well we are gonna name a disease after you."

orlok · 07-22-2016, 02:14 PM

What's the difference between a man who falls off a building from the 20th floor, and a man who falls off a building from the 2nd floor?

The man from the 20th floor goes: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!" *thud*.
While the man from the 2nd floor goes: *thud* "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!"

Glorfindel · 07-22-2016, 02:28 PM

idgi...

badgoodDeb · 07-22-2016, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Glorfindel

idgi...

The 2 story man is still alive to say "Aaaaahh" *after* he hits. The 20 story man, not so much.

Glorfindel · 07-22-2016, 03:13 PM

OH...

I assumed they were both yelling on the way down...

orlok · 07-22-2016, 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by badgoodDeb

The 2 story man is still alive to say "Aaaaahh" *after* he hits. The 20 story man, not so much.

Exactly

John K · 07-23-2016, 09:26 AM

"One morning a policeman knocked on my door, but I locked it and ignored him in silence.

He knocked again soon thereafter, but still I refused to open the door.
The knocks grew louder and more frequent, the cop would not leave.

Finally, he peeked through the window and said, 'Sir, do you take me for an idiot? I can clearly see you in there. Open up!'

I said, 'You can't come in, pal!'

He responded, 'I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car'."

Nate the great · 07-23-2016, 07:16 PM

I like cheese.

drjd · 07-25-2016, 11:06 AM

A signboard recently seen at the Electric Company:

"We'd be delighted if you pay us.
However, if you don't, you will be."

orlok · 07-25-2016, 12:48 PM

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her son's bed. Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.

"What do you think we should do?" she asks.

Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question."

drjd · 07-26-2016, 09:33 AM

An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.

One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Nate the great · 07-26-2016, 01:11 PM

My astrological sign is:

Go away.

drjd · 07-27-2016, 10:09 AM

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc - 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'''

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur - be careful.'"

07-22-2016, 02:14 PM	#9289
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	And now for some primary school humour... What's the difference between a man who falls off a building from the 20th floor, and a man who falls off a building from the 2nd floor? The man from the 20th floor goes: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!" thud. While the man from the 2nd floor goes: thud "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!" Last edited by orlok; 07-24-2016 at 07:35 AM.

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07-19-2016, 09:39 PM	#9286
John K Reader Posts: 266 Karma: 13465550 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: USA Device: Kindle DXG, Kobo Forma	A couple was having a party at their house. An hour before the party was to start, the woman realized that she still needed escargot. So she sent her husband out to get it. He was walking to the supermarket and figured he had plenty of time, so he stopped at the bar along the way. An hour and a half later he looked at his watch and realized that the party had already started. He quickly ran to the market, bought the snails and ran home. He tried to sneak into the kitchen without his wife seeing him, but at the last moment he saw her - only a few steps from the doorway. He quickly threw the snails on the floor and and just as she stepped into the kitchen he said, "Come on guys, we're almost there."

07-21-2016, 03:15 AM	#9287
cromag Surfin the alpha waves ~~ Posts: 26,850 Karma: 459765791 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: New Jersey Device: Jetbook Lite & Mini, Nook STR, Kobo, Hanvon N516, Kindle 2, Androids	Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

07-22-2016, 07:11 AM	#9288
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A doctor enters into a patient's room and informs the patient that he has good news and bad news. He then asks the patient which news he would like to hear. The patient responds, "Doctor, give me the good news." The doctor says, "Well we are gonna name a disease after you."

07-22-2016, 02:28 PM	#9290
Glorfindel Force-Aware Elf Posts: 4,762 Karma: 11557898 Join Date: Feb 2014 Location: Valinor Device: Kindle 4 w/SO	idgi...

07-22-2016, 03:13 PM	#9292
Glorfindel Force-Aware Elf Posts: 4,762 Karma: 11557898 Join Date: Feb 2014 Location: Valinor Device: Kindle 4 w/SO	OH... I assumed they were both yelling on the way down...

07-23-2016, 09:26 AM	#9294
John K Reader Posts: 266 Karma: 13465550 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: USA Device: Kindle DXG, Kobo Forma	"One morning a policeman knocked on my door, but I locked it and ignored him in silence. He knocked again soon thereafter, but still I refused to open the door. The knocks grew louder and more frequent, the cop would not leave. Finally, he peeked through the window and said, 'Sir, do you take me for an idiot? I can clearly see you in there. Open up!' I said, 'You can't come in, pal!' He responded, 'I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car'."

07-23-2016, 07:16 PM	#9295
Nate the great Sir Penguin of Edinburgh Posts: 12,375 Karma: 23555235 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: DC Metro area Device: Shake a stick plus 1	I like cheese.

07-25-2016, 11:06 AM	#9296
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	A signboard recently seen at the Electric Company: "We'd be delighted if you pay us. However, if you don't, you will be."

07-25-2016, 12:48 PM	#9297
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her son's bed. Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. "What do you think we should do?" she asks. Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question."

07-26-2016, 09:33 AM	#9298
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before. One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor. The doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

07-26-2016, 01:11 PM	#9299
Nate the great Sir Penguin of Edinburgh Posts: 12,375 Karma: 23555235 Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: DC Metro area Device: Shake a stick plus 1	My astrological sign is: Go away.

07-27-2016, 10:09 AM	#9300
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc - 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''' The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur - be careful.'"