Silliness Add/Read a good joke to lighten your day - Page 615

drjd · 06-07-2016, 04:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.

same here!

drjd · 06-07-2016, 08:13 AM

The flower vendor was usually an old hand at unloading his last few bunches. Appealing to a businessman on his way home, the vendor said, "How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?"

"Haven't got a wife," responded the businessman gruffly.

"Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?" proposed the vendor without missing a beat.

"Haven't got a girlfriend."

"You lucky guy!" The vendor broke into a big smile. "Buy both bunches to celebrate!"

Fbone · 06-09-2016, 08:26 PM

Cannibals like to meat people.

cromag · 06-10-2016, 12:44 AM

... and have them over for dinner.

timebug · 06-10-2016, 05:57 AM

But cannibals find that Clowns tend to taste funny...

drjd · 06-10-2016, 07:31 AM

Sacred cows make the tastiest hamburger...

Fbone · 06-10-2016, 10:28 PM

How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?

WT Sharpe · 06-11-2016, 12:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?

Ha! Houseplants will drive you crazy unless you adopt my system of plant care, and this applies to all plants from desert cacti to water lilies:
• Place somewhere in the vicinity of a window.
• Once a week water them until they're gasping for air.
If you do this and your plants still die, they were never meant to live. It's not your fault; you did your best. Nature failed them.

drjd · 06-11-2016, 01:33 PM

"What happened to you?" said the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"I decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but I couldn't make it out."

"I decided to go around again, but we went by so quickly I still couldn't read it. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yeah. It said, 'Don't stand up in the car.'"

wodin · 06-13-2016, 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WT Sharpe

Ha! Houseplants will drive you crazy unless you adopt my system of plant care, and this applies to all plants from desert cacti to water lilies:
• Place somewhere in the vicinity of a window.
• Once a week water them until they're gasping for air.
If you do this and your plants still die, they were never meant to live. It's not your fault; you did your best. Nature failed them.

Even better; plastic!

Fbone · 06-13-2016, 09:14 PM

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

PoP · 06-14-2016, 07:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fbone

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Dixit John K, and still funny

drjd · 06-14-2016, 09:35 AM

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Andy_T · 06-15-2016, 09:52 AM

What it's like to be British!!

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”
• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”
• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door
• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit
• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand
• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector
• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”
• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested
• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”
• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon
• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible
• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about
• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake
• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot
• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it
• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”
• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever
• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever
• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’
• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether
• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again
• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up
• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

orlok · 06-15-2016, 01:14 PM

Sorry, but how very dare you?!

Pardon me, but I'm just off to drink my lukewarm cup of tea.

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06-07-2016, 08:13 AM	#9212
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	The flower vendor was usually an old hand at unloading his last few bunches. Appealing to a businessman on his way home, the vendor said, "How about a nice bunch of roses to surprise your wife?" "Haven't got a wife," responded the businessman gruffly. "Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?" proposed the vendor without missing a beat. "Haven't got a girlfriend." "You lucky guy!" The vendor broke into a big smile. "Buy both bunches to celebrate!"

06-09-2016, 08:26 PM	#9213
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,320 Karma: 103930826 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	Cannibals like to meat people.

06-10-2016, 12:44 AM	#9214
cromag Surfin the alpha waves ~~ Posts: 26,856 Karma: 459765791 Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: New Jersey Device: Jetbook Lite & Mini, Nook STR, Kobo, Hanvon N516, Kindle 2, Androids	... and have them over for dinner.

06-10-2016, 05:57 AM	#9215
timebug Ancient Sage Posts: 14,585 Karma: 15493448 Join Date: Oct 2015 Location: Derby U.K. Device: Kobo Reader	But cannibals find that Clowns tend to taste funny...

06-10-2016, 07:31 AM	#9216
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	Sacred cows make the tastiest hamburger...

06-10-2016, 10:28 PM	#9217
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,320 Karma: 103930826 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?

06-11-2016, 01:33 PM	#9219
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	"What happened to you?" said the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "I decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but I couldn't make it out." "I decided to go around again, but we went by so quickly I still couldn't read it. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor. "Yeah. It said, 'Don't stand up in the car.'"

06-13-2016, 09:14 PM	#9221
Fbone Is that a sandwich? Posts: 8,320 Karma: 103930826 Join Date: Jun 2010 Device: Nook Glowlight Plus	A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

06-14-2016, 09:35 AM	#9223
drjd The Couch Potato Posts: 34,509 Karma: 230999999 Join Date: Aug 2015 Device: Kobo Glo, Kobo Touch, Archos 9, Onyx Boox C67ML Carta	When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

06-15-2016, 09:52 AM	#9224
Andy_T Evangelist Posts: 431 Karma: 5121676 Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Hannover, Germany Device: iPod touch, iPhone, iPad, Kindle KB, NT, Fire, PW II	What it's like to be British!! • Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare” • Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right” • Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best • Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door • Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit • Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand • Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home • The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector • The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too” • “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it • Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands • Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck • Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change • Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again • Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested • Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right” • Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon • Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it • Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave • Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible • The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about • Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake • Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot • Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink • “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit • Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it • “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house” • Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever • Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever • Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’ • Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether • Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing • Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again • The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up • Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

06-15-2016, 01:14 PM	#9225
orlok Close to the Edit! Posts: 9,797 Karma: 267994408 Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: UK Device: Kindle Oasis, Amazon Fire 8", Kindle 6"	Sorry, but how very dare you?! Pardon me, but I'm just off to drink my lukewarm cup of tea.