03-11-2014, 12:57 AM | #76 |
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I didn't notice the lack of names on my first reading. It's too late tonight, so I'll get back to it tomorrow.
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03-11-2014, 01:11 AM | #77 |
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03-11-2014, 04:10 AM | #78 |
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03-11-2014, 04:21 AM | #79 |
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03-11-2014, 07:17 AM | #80 |
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Crisis of Faith
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03-11-2014, 08:07 AM | #81 |
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Crisis of Faith
I enjoyed the story, Katsunami.
My thoughts: Spoiler:
Graham Last edited by Graham; 03-11-2014 at 08:31 AM. |
03-11-2014, 09:48 AM | #82 |
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When My Father Died - v1.6
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03-11-2014, 10:10 AM | #83 |
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Thanks Before commenting on the other stories (damn, that's a lot of work, doing them one after the other), I'll comment on your comments first You're quite right with some of them, and there are some nice suggestions in there. However, I have some difficulties with others. Not because they're wrong, but because I think I will be unable to get the story to work correctly if I followed up on them.
As you mention (A)D&D, I assume you have at least a general working knowlege of the RPG system, so I'll use it to explain the balance of power and, thus, some of my thinking. Maybe you will be able to proivde some suggestions with regard to implementing your insights Spoiler:
Spoiler:
Spoiler:
Spoiler:
Spoiler:
Spoiler:
Spoiler:
Spoiler:
Spoiler:
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Spoiler:
edit: Dude. You review so quickly I'm now just going through your story again to type up the comments, and then I'll have three more to go Last edited by Katsunami; 03-11-2014 at 10:39 AM. |
03-11-2014, 11:29 AM | #84 |
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Crisis of Faith
Lots to think about.
Spoiler:
Graham Last edited by Graham; 03-11-2014 at 11:39 AM. |
03-11-2014, 11:37 AM | #85 |
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Crisis of Faith
One more thing that's just struck me. The story title is Crisis of Faith, so the resolution of this would have most power if it came at the most climactic moment of the story.
Spoiler:
Graham |
03-11-2014, 11:44 AM | #86 |
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Crisis of Faith
Regarding Elani's parents:
Spoiler:
Graham |
03-11-2014, 12:58 PM | #87 |
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Reading through my various comments on the Marlowe and Katsunami stories above, it's probably time to repeat that these are just my thoughts, of course. I'm learning a lot through this process myself, and I don't claim to know all the answers!
In the interest of expediency I'm not writing 'I think' or 'my feeling is that' in front of everything, but please be assured that it's there every time. Graham |
03-11-2014, 01:21 PM | #88 |
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Thanks You have given me some nice ideas. I won't explain everything here now, because I'll spoil the "new" story for you. However, I'll incorporate some of your suggestions:
Spoiler:
Edit: don't worry. You have brought up some very valid points, and you have handed me some great ideas to make the story work better. PS: Graham, if you have any suggestions regarding the dialogue, they'd be most welcome. As I said in one of my other comments, I've never written a single line of dialog before March 6, so that'll probably be the problem. Maybe I could just copy some dialog and poems from Lord of the Rings? Hm... better not. Last edited by Katsunami; 03-11-2014 at 01:42 PM. |
03-11-2014, 01:23 PM | #89 | |
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Quote:
Looking forward to the next version. Graham Last edited by Graham; 03-11-2014 at 03:03 PM. Reason: Removed comment about spoiler tags as they got fixed. No need to confuse everyone else! |
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03-11-2014, 01:38 PM | #90 |
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Crisis of Faith
Thank goodness we have Graham. Now I can just read his critiques and toss in a couple of tidbits.
Spoiler:
The relationship between Elani and Koryna is fine. I understand your portrayal of service and humility. I don't think you need conflict between them. I can't comment on the fantasy and RPG connections. When I read it I thought the "nearly avoided" was a typo for "neatly avoided." That's what you really meant, right?-) Jim Last edited by arjaybe; 03-13-2014 at 05:10 PM. Reason: to apply spoiler tag |
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