Unutterably Silly Friday's question of the Day 03 Oct 08

[vivaldirules]

Hey, bgDeb, were you getting up? I could use another Zany Carter right about now.

[pshrynk]

That's a pretty high orbit for that sort of fuel.

[badgoodDeb]

Yeah, with all that salt, I need another Zany Carter too. So, 3 more ZC's, comin right up! Don't change the channel while I'm away!

[vivaldirules]

Thanks, bgDeb. But I might see if I can turn on captions while you're gone. I'm getting a bit lost in some of the translations. I mean, manoeuvres? What are those? Man eggs?

[LazyScot]

<Cut back to the CDC/EPA site, inside the truck, and Julie is brandishing several printouts, and talking to her boss.>

"That third biological is definitely the result of interactions of the bioweapon and the fertilizer. And in the process it appears to have weakened the bioweapon. Form the first results, I would expect the effects both to be non-fatal and wear off after about an hour. Which is very fortunate; without the weakening effect they'd have been deadly, and lasted for weeks. However, the accelerated breakdown is producing a weird range of effects. I really can't even try to isolate them. I'd guess that the site will be safe to enter in about 20 minutes, but I'd recommend a UAV analysis flight in about 15 minutes to confirm." Reported Julie.

"Good. From the analysis of the bioweapon, have you got an isotope and impurity analysis?"

"I'm ahead of you there." Julie enthused excitedly. "I've already done that; there are some quirks I've never seen, and I've tried it against the database we have in the truck, but they don't match anything there. I've sent the details back to base to search the databases and perform some extrapolation analyses see if we can get a match for the sources. I'd be confident we can pinpoint the source."

"Okay. So Y------" And a shout and several shots from outside interrupted the discussion and both startled and shocked everyone in the truck.

<Cut to outside the truck, and to the track leading out of the forest and into the site, guarded by the Rangers. In the distance, some form of dumper a truck can be seen, approaching at speed.>

"Halt." Shouts one of the NBC-suited rangers, whilst brandishing his gun in a way that says this is not up for discussion, and firing two more warning shots into the air. The truck appears to consider the options, and then notices the Apache helicopter hovering nearby, and slows down and eventually comes to a halt by the Ranger.

Slite leans out of the passenger window and said " Nyy V qvq jnf nfx vs YnmlFpbg jvyy rire pbzr bhg bs gur ohaxre.", as if by way of apology.

"Oh great. Foreigners." Said the ranger, adding, very slowly and loudly "STAY WHERE YOU ARE."

" ..-. ...- -.-- .-. .- .--. .-." Says Evil-Marc.

"Url. Lbh'er trggvat jbefr. Naq lbhe unve vf snyyvat bhg." Replied Slite, ignoring Evil-Marc's command.

" .-. -.-- ...- --.. ...- .- -. --. .-. / --. ..- .-. --.. / -. -.-- -.-- .-.-.-" ordered Evil-Marc into the microphone as he activated the tipper (releasing thousands of hairless, armed, angry, pan-dimensional, hyper-intelligent, meta-evil, time-travelling, dark jedi, pirate ninja squirrels) and started the concealed speakers playing the over-used opening to the third act of Wagner's The Valkyrie. And followed up with "--. -. -..- .-. / -... .... --. / .- -... . -. --.- .-.-.-", into the mundane radio link back to his base.

[LazyScot]

<cut back to "Fred", two stunned astronauts, a shaking figure under a bed and a radio desperately trying to get a response.>

The astronauts both open and close their mouths, and eventually one manages to say "No, there are no squirrels here." (which is unfortunately picked up by the radio microphone, and triggers what sounds like an apoplectic explosion based around the importance of following orders and leaving the station immediately.)

"Squirrels?" questions the other astronaut.

"Yes," replies Lazy-Scot. "You know: pan-dimensional, hyper-intelligent, meta-evil, time-travelling, dark jedi, pirate ninja creatures bent on the destruction of mankind." And noticing the flags emblazoned on the astronauts shoulders, he adds "and the America Way of Life."

"Pan-d---." Stuttered the station commander in confusion. "You're full of ---"

"Trust me, after that flight, I most certainly am not. And if you don't believe me, look out the window." And with that he gestured towards several objects floating just visible outside the window, and another that appeared to be approaching the station.

"Well how on earth did you get up here?"

"Up here? By MESS. The suit." LazyScot said indicating the suit he's wearing. "A friend who's been kidnapped has some, um, interesting inventions. This is a highly intelligent smart-matter suit that is capable of converting any available, er…, waste into reaction matter which, with the aid of its power source, it accelerates to silly speeds before ejecting it. Or at least that's what the suit said."

"Those look like squirrels." said the other astronaut, who had taken off the radio headset to try and save his hearing, and was looking out the window. "And what is that – it appears to be powered, but I don't see any sign of rockets or jets?" After a pause he handed the headset to the station commander. "There is no way I am report this; you can. I'm going to obey instructions and abandon ship." And with that he headed down to one of the capsules.

[LazyScot]

<cut back to the CDC/EPA site, outside and concentrating on the vehicle that has now come to a stop just in front of one of the Rangers guarding the entrace to the site from the forest. Much to the annoyance of all around, it continues to appear to be using German opera as an offensive weapon.>

"Stop that at once," shouted the Ranger over the near deafening opera, as he raised his gun to towards the cab. Then he saw the creatures pouring out from the rear of the vehicle – strange hordes of hairless squirrels.

But the hordes swamp him before he could react.

The remaining Rangers reacted at once, opening fire on the hairless squirrels, but to no avail as the squirrels seemed to be wearing invisible, incredible armour and bullets, rockets knives just glance harmlessly off them. The alarm is raised and rapidly the entire company of Rangers and the solitary helicopter fight an incredibly valiant battle against the squirrels.

But also a vain one.

Despite acts of honour and valour and their selfless attempts to save the members of the CDA and EPA and gain them time to escape, the battle is brief and bloody, and the squirrels triumphant.

When the brief battle is mostly over, and only a few Rangers remain, fighting to defend the last of the trucks, a white-faced, shocked and stunned Slite is visible being driven away by Evil-Marc in the truck, together those squirrels who returned to the truck and are now looking somewhat more satisfied with themselves, in a unearthly chilling fashion, with eyes resembling bottomless pits of pure evil.

As the truck drives away, The Ride of the Valkyrie fades to silence and is replaced with the sounds of Jessye Norman singing Im Abendrot from Richard Strauss' Four Last Songs.

Silently, save for the music, the camera slowly pans over the site of the battle, the downed wreckage of the Apache, the ruined military vehicles and the broken human bodies. Finally, it turns to one of the larger trucks, torn apart like a paper bag. Inside, a final one-sided fight lasts for less than a minute.

Finally, to the haunting words of the final stanza, the camera rests on the bodies of the besuited official, his assistant Julie, and the last of the Rangers who fought to save them….

[pshrynk]

I like how he worked "besuited" into that last bit there. He's sounding sort of like Marc at times.

[badgoodDeb]

VR, could you pass the Kleenexes too? That ending has got me all teary eyed. I love a happy ending!

[nekokami]

Is it too late for the Pandorg to come in and recycle the bodies into quasi-living entities?

[pshrynk]

We're all trying to get over the shock of becoming llamas to do much acutelation, lately.

[vivaldirules]

Wait, what happened to the gibbons?

[LazyScot]

<Cut back to the military control room in the mountain, where the tension is starting to show on the faces of the staff, and the almost visible smell of nerves pervades the room.>

"Ma'am?" Interrupted the comms office. "This may be relevant. We've lost contact with the Rangers, CDC and EPA. The last message indicated they were being attacked by foreigners and squirrels. And I'm sure someone on Fred just said squirrels."

"Listen, sonny," in a tone sharp enough to slice through diamond like it was water, "if you thi-"

"Ma'am?" said a Major General entering the room. "I'm from Psychological Ops. I've been monitoring the communications. I'm worried about the images being described. It's possible they are being used to hypnotise and brainwash people. There's no way we can tell unless we can study a potential victim, but I'd say we have a very high risk that we are currently under multi-factor attack from a non-centralised previously unknown source with technology conceivably exceeding ours."

"All that because of squirrels?" replied the commander, icing up most of the room in the process.

"No. We've had an F-22 shot down, two others out flown, the most advanced missiles we own have been casually defeated. We've lost a company of rangers, and a space asset is under imminent threat of attack which does not look like ending positively. The few communications we've had indicate that something is affecting our people's grasp on reality."

"Hmmm." The commander breathed deeply to calm herself, and realising that facts must outweigh prejudice and thought for a few seconds. "So your analysis is to go Black?"

The major general nodded sadly.

"Very well. Go to Ultra-Black. Get me POTUS." And with that 2 Minutes to Midnight was replaced with Prince's 1999 as the alarm signal.

Clearly unsettled by the change of alarm signal, the comms officer started shaking and stood up. "Either pull yourself together now, or relieve yourself. At once." Said the commander slowly and quietly. "Now get me POTUS."

"Yes Ma'am. Sorry Ma'am. I realise this is serious." And the comms officer immediately returning to his console.

The commander turned to the Major General. "Do you have recommendations for POTUS? I'm minded to have a flyby of the launch area, by the F-22s and an uncompromised source. See if we can find any potential bases or indications of them. We probably have to accept Fred will be lost, but should immediately launch our Marine reserves and bring up all ground attack craft and units to readiness in case we locate a " –and the commander bitterly spat out the next word – " squirrel target."

"For morale reasons, might I suggest that henceforth we use the code ART to identify the threat? You've not had dealings with POTUS since the succession, have you?"

"No."

"Well. I'll always defer to your extra star, and your plan sounds sound, but I would just ask for permission to carry out necessary operations within and without our borders and not go into details. Oh, and get POTUS airborne."

"Okay. Get NEACP linked in and running, warn the secret service and Airforce One. Order the two F-22s to flyby the launch area and investigation base, and get a reconnaissance unit there yesterday." Ordered the commander after a moment's pause. "How long till the Marines reach Fred?"

"Approximately two minutes." Replied on of the radar operators.

"And once again we wait." Whispered the commander, who then turned to the Psychological Ops Officer. "Why ART?"

"Arboreal Rodent Threat." Replied the embarrassed officer. "Sorry; but a TLA sounds more threatening, and people tend not to ask what it stands for, for fear of looking stupid. Useful technique to get things past authority." Replied the officer, with a tone of bitter experience.

[BookishDreamer]

"Arboreal Rodent Threat." Replied the embarrassed officer.

Arboreal Rodent Threat reminds me of the pilot episode of "The West Wing", except in that case the rodents weren't the problem. It was the tree...


"Is there anything I can say other than the President rode his bicycle into a tree?"
"He hopes to never do it again."
"Seriously, they're laughing pretty hard."
"He rode his bicycle into a tree, C.J., what do you want me --- The President while riding his bicycle on his vacation in Jackson Hole came to a sudden arboreal stop. What do you want from me?"
"A little love, Leo."

For some reason, I always remember it as "abrupt arboreal stop".

Dreamer

[LazyScot]

<cut back to Fred. Where one astronaut is seen just disappearing into one of the capsules, leaving a floating bed under which LazyScot is still hiding, and somewhat whitefaced station commander.>

Swallowing deeply, he put the headset on and started to report. "Sir? The target has docked and entered Fred, and appears non-hostile. Specifically it seems to be a man hiding under a bed. And he seems to have left a large number of squirrels circling—"

He pauses and listens for a moment. "Okay! ARTs whatever. They're circling the station. And a new craft is approaching the stat---".

Again he listens briefly.

"No; it is definitely not the Marines. From what you said they'll coming from a different direction."

The radio starts talking again, as usual interrupting the station commander.

"I don't care what your radar says. There is definitely something there. The Marines should also be able to see it soon. Anyway, I can see it---" and the commander stopped looked incredibly confused, turned white and froze.

"Is there something up?" asked LazyScot as he made his way to an appropriately facing window. "Oh shhhhhhhubudkins." At which point LazyScot very nearly re-started the reaction engine, but controlled it just enough to move his bed towards the un-occupied capsule.

<camera pans to look out the window, where the new craft is seen opening up and deploying approximately twenty small, spacesuited squirrel forms, complete with propulsion backpacks. All of whom appear to be wielding what looked suspiciously like light sabres. And all of whom where heading towards Fred.>

At last the station commander regained his voice and composure. "Sir? I know this sounds incredible, but – ummm --- errr, … we appear to be under attack from jedi ARTs."